Trial Separation

[weegiewummin]

Can it make things better?

I have posted before but can't get the link to paste on my phone. Long story short, our relationship has deteriorated badly since the birth of our DS a year and half ago. Partly due to circumstantial pressures, partly to do with MH issues (pre existing on his part and implant induced on mine) with the standard sleep deprivation, reflux baby, money worries, work stress on top.

We have ended up in a situation where we can't speak to each other (often literally flat out misunderstanding each others statements) and the affection and mutual respect and trust has disappeared. As a result of one of these misunderstandings a few nights ago he suggested a trial separation, vaguely. I agreed but on the understanding that we both got some space and counselling which he readily agreed to. We have since agreed we won't see other people and will spend time together as a family. He says he wants it to work but I really don't know.

Since we agreed this we have been getting on really well, although I suspect this is because he feels he is free to come home when he wants, do as little or as much as he wants towards the house. But, as far as I can see he has been much more considerate and sensible than I would have believed given the circumstances.

But when I talk about a future that involves us together he tells me to stop making plans when we don't know what will happen, when all his chat is about 'well if we did break up then...'.

I feel like given how much better things are already, combined with the counselling and a bit of space we might make this work. But I am scared that he thinks we are not going to be able to sort our separate issues out enough to make it work.

Does anyone have a success story of a trial separation helping a messy situation like this?

Sounds like being away from the stresses of home are suiting him right now. That's not to say after time he won't miss you and his child and living as a family.
I know my exDP and I are happy living separately, but we try our hardest still to function as a family with shared child care, etc. however, I know of people, my BiL and SiL who had a trial separation for 5 months and then got back together, stronger as a couple.

This could be a valuable way of stepping back from the difficult situation that you have both found yourselves in. It can give you both a bit of breathing space. It's essential that neither of you see anybody else though during this time.
Take a breather from having to live with the constant stress. Having a young child is incredibly hard work and we often lose track of the person we were before the child's arrival as we become overwhelmed trying to adjust to a whole new lifestyle, with new and exhausting pressures.
You say you have been getting on well since the separation so build on this. Try and spend some quality family time together. Could you get a babysitter so you could go out on the occasional date together. Try to remember what you liked/loved about each other and see if you can see qualities in each other again.
It would be good to talk about what has gone wrong between you in a non confrontational way and see if you can both have input into ways of overcoming these problems.
I really think it could work. Just take one day at a time. If you don't see each other all the time then you may genuinely start to look forward to seeing each other again after a period apart.
Family life can be really tough. It takes hard work and commitment to see it through. Give it your best shot and I really hope it works out for you all.

Having a baby can be similar to throwing a bomb into your relationship. It's how well both of you adapt to the changes. Also do not underestimate the impact lack of sleep can have on a person. It can make you grumpy, irrational and these emotions fuel arguments and poor judgement.

I am not surprised he is standing back from saying he wants to come home. After all the way you described the situation it sounded a pretty miserable place to be. And I think he's afraid that if he comes back the same old problems will occur. I suppose the good thing about babies is that most of the aggro associated with them is temporary.

Did you manage to get your implant out? How is his MH at the moment?

Hi OP, sorry to read it's been difficult for you .....
However, is it an actual separation ? Sorry if I've missed the point here, but it reads as though he's still living with you....?
If that's the case, then it isn't a trial separation, just him pleasing himself. Are you still washing and cooking for him etc.

I know you asked for positive stories around trial separation, but if all he talks about is, well if we broke up.... I'm just not sure.

But you say he's been better and that may be because he feels the pressure has been lifted a bit.

Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick re the living arrangements and I hope it works out for you

Thanks everyone. The current situation is compliacted by the fact we were in the middle of moving house when we had this conversation so the plan is to finish the move then he will get a bedsit or similar. I am pretty much being left to pack up the old house because he puts his work before us (for us he says).
The implant came out months ago but he doesn't know if he can forgive me for everything from that time.
It just seems too bleak a future without him, I am really not coping with the possibility it might not work out. Neither of us have any family to speak of, I dread my wee boys future as an only child to a single parent. I am one myself, although my mum died a long time ago, and it's a very lonely life to lead.
I just wish I could wave a wand and go back 5 years and do everything over. Apart from my wee boy obviously.
Trying to pack up the old house on my own but I can't stop crying because everything I touch is of our life together and I don't know if I should be packing his stuff separately.
All I have ever wanted was a bit more support from him, and I pushed and nagged so much it has come to this.

Sorry, that was very long and rambling. I am trying to hold it together in front of them both but it's so hard when I have no one else in rl.

It's a hard time but many of us have survived. You will get there. I am a single mum to 2 young children, both my parents are dead, I have a full time responsible job. You will have the strength. Maybe some time apart will allow you both to see if you miss each other or if you are happier on your own. Lean on friends x