Low contact rather than no contact - how does it work for you?

[Lottapianos]

My parents are narcissistic and I'm slowly starting to accept that I will never have the relationship I thought I had with them. Its incredibly painful - I'm in therapy and slowly moving towards a more stable place.

I'm low contact - see them 1-2 times a year ( we live in different countries), text couple of times a month, no phonecalls. I cannot do no contact right now - it just doesn't feel right. So I'm interested to hear other peoples low contact stories, what works and what doesn't. What do you wish was different? Has low contact helped you? Do you see it as a step towards no contact or a strategy in its own right?

My brother did this with my dad for about 6 years. They had had a difficult relationship for years, my bro had a lot of anger towards my dad which he felt my dad had never taken responsibility for (connected with the divorce of my dad from his first wife, my bro's mother but not limited to this). It came to a head and my bro basically limited contact to a couple of emails a year and getting on tolerably at large family gatherings but nothing further. In the course of this he also wrote long letters explaining his feelings.

It actually has forced my dad to face up to things he hadn't done in the past and has humbled him. He and my bro are now starting to rebuild their relationship. My dad is not a self-aware or introspective person and is terrible at empathy so will not consider his impact on other people unless forced to do so. One of the positive things about this is that he has been forced to seek the opinions of third parties about his behaviour towards his son and most people have been frank with him about his shortcomings.

By remaining "low" contact, my bro has also avoided appearing to be vindictive or cruel, which has helped him make his case as well.

So from my point of view its been a painful but ultimately positive experience. I can't guarantee their relationship will be perfect after this but it has definitely forced my dad to reappraise things he wouldn't otherwise have bothered to do.

I don't know what your parents are like and there are some people who just can't be got through to. It also depends on what you want to get out of it. If you would actually rather be n/c but aren't quite ready to do that you might not want to have this effect on them and they may not be receptive. But I thought worth mentioning that it has helped our family.

I'm glad that low contact has had a good outcome for your family newname. I'm really struck by some of what your dad did - reflected on his own behaviour, asked other people for their opinions etc. I know that my parents would never do any of this - in their minds I am the spoiled little brat and they are the martyred loving parents whose hearts are broken by their unloving child. And they will never accept any other truth.

They have both been highly emotionally abusive, are very negative and critical, are masters of denial and constructing reality to suit themselves. They would never reflect on their own behaviour. Your question about what I want to get out of low contact is a good one and I'm not sure I know the answer.

If your parents really think that about you then I wonder if you need them in your life at all? It sounds very destructive and painful and like you possibly would be happier going n/c.

The only thing I would say is that if someone had asked me before this thing with my brother whether my dad was capable of changing I would have laughed. You would be surprised how much impact it has if a child very determinedly sets out to force a parent to face up to something that is wrong in their relationship...

I was low contact with my mum for about 18 months. We are now at slightly more contact but it's on my terms. As soon as she starts encroaching I go back to low contact until she backs right off then I set the tone as to how I want it to be.
It's working well, but it took massive arguments beforehand to set this all off.

I think low contact helps when you don't want to be away from other family.

I text on her birthday (used to ring and pray for the answering machine, but one year she texted me so the precedent was set)

May chat when I call home for Christmas and if I go back to my home town, I take my husband as a shield and have a coffee with a very clear leaving time. (Ie I am meeting someone for lunch).

In between that, I have nothing to do with her.

But, if there is a birthday or family event, I can go and there is no issue. Other family members understand my feelings, there is no judgement for that but they have put up their own boundaries that work for them.

I have tried no contact with my parents, and my mum would just randomly turn up at the door, send letters, etc. Also my dad is in poor health, and I think I felt a lot of guilt about should anything happen to him.

My mother will justify anything, and so there is little point trying to get her to face up to things; it is actually quite astounding what she will come out with. I am now at the stage where I accept that she is who she is, and behaves the way she does, but I assert the boundaries around her involvement in my life. I am in sporadic touch, we go over 1-2 times a year, and she occasionally comes to see dc. She is actually brilliant with dc, as they as her only gdc, which makes it harder to go NC, but at the same time, even dd, who is the older one, has noticed that she will frequently launch into stories about other family members. DD is too young to understand the toxicity in those stories, and the rewriting of history, but I find it very draining to have the bullshit filter on all the time and be hypervigilant for the barbed attacks.

What we have now seems to work in terms of her still feeling involved, but me limiting her involvement, if that makes sense.

I tried going LC with my Narc mother, and she couldn't handle it. She couldn't cope with not knowing what I was doing, not being able to control, criticise and manipulate me, and in the end it send her screaming over the edge, til she was literally shrieking and spitting in my face, and she stormed out of my house and has not been heard of since [fireworks emoticon with the hallelujah chorus playing in the background]

So really she has gone NC with me.

It's lovely

Draining to have the bullshit factor on all the time - can certainly relate to that! Romeyroo, I would love to get to where you are - accepting things as they are and that this is as good as the relationship will get. I'm still so hurt and deeply stuck in grief for the parents I thought I had.

We live in a different country to my parents so seeing them involves a plane trip. In some ways thus is great because I get lots of space from them but it also means there can be no brief encounters like popping in for coffee. Even going over a year without seeing them, I honestly don't miss them because we have no meaningful connection really but I feel a huge weight of obligation to make them happy and not disappoint them. I know this is the FOG we all experience but good grief its bloody hard to let go of.

Gosh hamptoncourt, how long ago did that happen? Its unlike a narc to walk away from the drama! I'm glad you feel its been a good thing for you

My home town is a 4 hour flight away. I d

I don't stay with her and I am busy catching up with people. Well so she thinks.

She doesn't get a choice as to how long I visit her. I don't ask. She lost that right a long time ago.

We sit there. Ask her questions about herself. She doesn't ask us anything significant. And it's done.

I was effectively low contact with my father for a few years, birthday/Christmas cards, phone call or email a few times a year, meet maybe once a year. Tbh it just didn't achieve anything, any time there was contact he built it up into a huge drama and there would always be something I had done or said wrong (eg even saying hello was apparently said in the wrong 'tone' and I didn't really mean it ).

It was just v stressful and nothing was improving. Then things came to a head with a big argument about a family event and he started on at the dcs, I just lost it. I could deal with his complaints but I wasn't having my dc subjected to that when the main reason I had maintained the 'low contact' was so they would maintain a relationship with their GF.

I went fully NC about 18mths ago and from my perspective it's much easier/less stressful. I feel sad sometimes about the way it's turned out but he clearly had and has no intention of changing and therefore it is better for the dc and I not to have him in our lives.

Unfortunately unlike the pp it has not made him address any of the issues and he still considers me entirely to blame (according to my sibling who does have sporadic contact with him).

Only you know what might work in your situation, I wish you all the best whatever you decide.

It was about 18 months ago. I had previously been 6 years NC with her but got sucked back in when I had my own DC. Apparently this is a common scenario

I know I am really lucky to be NC without the guilt. She just could not/would not accept my boundaries and lashed out in frustration.

She is not really interested in a relationship with anyone that won't be her "puppet" so I just outlived my usefulness and actually became a problem to her when I would not bend to her will. She cannot be confronted/disobeyed/challenged.

I have seen her literally clutch at her throat and fall to the floor when another family member challenged her. It's quite hilarious really.

What isn't hilarious is the dreadful damage she has done to my self esteem over the years, and the poison she has dripped into my teen DD, sabotaging my relationship with her.

Romeyroo, I would love to get to where you are - accepting things as they are and that this is as good as the relationship will get. I'm still so hurt and deeply stuck in grief for the parents I thought I had.

I can understand that; it is not a nice place to be. I think acceptance for me has taken a long, long time and is enormously painful. The only thing which is more painful is keeping trying to make things okay, because actually you can't.

I have come to the point where, because I am in my early 40s, I think, probably in all likelihood, at least half of my life is over and I have spent too much time and energy not understanding the craziness, thinking and ruminating on it, seeking approval and thinking it was me; or like you say, going through the pain of coming to terms with it. Also, as hamptoncourt says, it has had a dreadful impact on my self-esteem and I have made bad relationship choices as I did not know what a good relationship looked like. So, it is really just that I don't want it to effect the rest of my life too.

There are some books I read as well, which were helpful - I'll need to dig them out and let you know the titles.

You're right Romeyroo - the energy that thinking about it and agonising about it takes out of you is phenomenal. Agree with the self esteem shredding - its still a work in progress but I have moved on from the darkest days of constantly undermining myself and fighting the urge to start self harming.

My relationship with them needs to become a low priority in my life - something I give minimal thought and energy to. I'm hoping that as I process the pain, that will become easier.

I have been low contact with my mother for 4.5 years- I live in the UK and she lives on the other side of the world so we never see her, but I send her a FB album of selected photos of the kids every month.
She sends presents to the kids for their birthdays/ Xmas and sometimes emails me but I don't reply.
She did go through a stage of ringing me every now and again to 'chat' a couple of years ago, but I told her that if she continued to ring me that I would stop sending her photos, so she stopped.
Sometimes I feel a bit weak and think about how nice it would be to have a chat with her, but then I remember the shit she put me though and harden my resolve.
It does get easier as time passes.

'Sometimes I feel a bit weak and think about how nice it would be to have a chat with her, but then I remember the shit she put me though and harden my resolve'

Me to FiveHoursSleep - I think about how nice it would be to be able to have a nice conversation with either of them, or to enjoy spending time with them, rather than feeling drained. It's hard to let go of the idea that if I can just find the 'right way' to relate to them, it will all fall magically into place. But I'm getting better at remembering the awful stuff and how they made me feel and how I have a right to feel angry and upset and how my feelings are more important (to me) than theirs. I guess it's just a case of standing up for yourself and putting yourself first, which is a whole new world when you've been brought up by emotionally abusive parents.