Parents divorcing & struggling with the consequences

[cookiemonster100]

Hi all,

I am having a bit of a rough ride currently & no one really to talk to in RL.

My folks are separating after 40 years of marriage. To me this is no surprise as dad is a serial cheater which includes visiting prostitutes. We have been thru years of dad getting busted, mum throwing him out, he grovels his way saying he will get help, ( he doesn't get help), it's calm again, then back to the beginning. This time round I literally had to spell it out to her that he is never going to change. Never. She seems to have woken up to this and they are going thru separation & divorce proceedings.

Now however I am really struggling with the consequences. Dads living in a really pokey flat completely broke. Despite what he has done, it's quite heart breaking seeing your father living like this. Plus he does have bouts of depression so I have to keep a close eye so he doesn't hurt himself.

We are from a large extended family with lots of aunts, uncles & cousins. They have found out what's happened & completely banished him from the family. I spent today just hearing them bad mouth him. Yes he done MAJORILY wrong but he is still my dad. I thought I could rely on them for people to talk too openly but I don't think I can.

My brother doesn't want to know so leaves me to help mum move & downsize, & make sure dad survives day to day (yesterday I had to show him how to use a washing machine). I am emotionally exhausted, I spend my evenings crying. Partly because of this but I am also so tired. The past 3 years have seen me go thru IVF, complicated pregnancy, crash c section & a fall out with my BIL ( that's another thread).

I feel so disappointed in the emotional support by the people closet around me. I told my MIL a few weeks ago what happening with my folks & she hasn't rung to see how I am. My SIL sent a text, but not bothered to check in. My husband been amazing but I feel like I must be such a emotional drain to come home too.

Some days I just can't cope with the pressure of it all. Thanks for reading x

It sounds very stressful and I know you love your father but his situation is all of his own making. He has had chance after chance and he has blown it. He must have known that the way he is living now was a chance he was taking by going to see hookers. On that score you might want to reign your sympathy in. Put yourself in your mothers shoes, they won't feel very nice, she didn't ask for this but hey ho.

On this basis I don't think you can expect other people to sympathise with your father given his behaviour. It's possible that you might need counselling to help you come to terms with it all.

It's not sympathy, it's loyalty. He is a brilliant father but a shit of a husband. I am not asking my family to give him sympathy but to have some recognition that as they sit there slating him off, that their comments are hurtful & I already have a lot to deal with & could they support me a little instead of adding to the emotional stress. I know far too much, I think people forget I am their daughter.
I do feel sorry for my mum we speak daily. I make sure she is emotionally as well as financially ok. We are very close. I know she will have a better life now.
It's painful watching the situation unfold.

hmm. what would happen if you let some of the distress show? when they start talking about him say "he is my father, can we please talk about something else? I just don't want to hear it again".

They may think they are showing solidarity with you actually. Feelings around parents who've done wrong are pretty complex but people from more apparently happy famillies don't necessarily realise that. You can't just switch those feeligns off.

Meerka good advice. I wish I thought that yesterday. Instead I was desperately trying to contain my feelings & not upset the family occasion for a get together.
Thank you x

My Father was toxic but he was still my Father and I didn't like anyone slagging him off. Your relatives think they are empathising with you and your DM. They probably don't realise that they are annoying you Meerka's advice is sound. If you don't say anything then they will keep on.
You sound as though you are doing an awful lot without much support for yourself. I had a similar situation recently and in the end I knew I was letting things get out of control. I went to my GP and got Beta Blockers. They helped me get things in proportion and they were a temporary measure. You can't be held responsible for your parents happiness, really. You need to take care of yourself first. You won't be much use to other if you become ill. Hugs and xx as you need them.

Thank you holeinmyheart. Nice, but a shame, to see someone else in a similar position.
Have thought about going to see GP, more so to see if I can get counselling. However I move in a few weeks so not sure whether to see my current GP who knows me well or a new GP in my new area but doesn't know me at all x

Can I be really blunt from what you have posted here?

We never know the dynamic of anyones relationships - all of us are outsiders looking in and in internet terms we know even less.

Your parents have been together 40 years. Your mother knows what your father is like. I have no idea whether she accepts it, tolerates it, expects it, turns a blind eye to, or whether they both love the heady drama and thrill of making up and breaking up.

This time round I literally had to spell it out to her that he is never going to change. Never. What was your rationale this time for getting involved? This is a 40yo marriage. I am assuming your parents are pushing 70. Some women do accept their men are serial philanderers and after 40 years they are reliant upon each other

Your words here worry me: Now however I am really struggling with the consequences. Dads living in a really pokey flat completely broke. Despite what he has done, it's quite heart breaking seeing your father living like this. Plus he does have bouts of depression so I have to keep a close eye so he doesn't hurt himself. and he has now been isolated from his extended family too.

What if he does fatally harm himself? Although, my guess is your mother will have him back, that is their relationship dynamic.

I think you are making their marriage problems your problem, when they aren't.

I think you are assigning blame there a little unfairly Frank OP says that she had to spell out to her mum that he is never going to change. She did not say that she told her mum to leave. I had a similar convo with my mum 15 years ago - I was not telling her what to do but I was telling her that she either had to accept that and find some peace in how she had chosen to live her life or to stop wasting her life and move on. She chose to move on.

Cookie my dad was devastated too. I honestly think he had believed that he could do whatever he wanted to mum and she would just take it. I actually think (still do) that he still loved her. She definitely no longer loved him but did feel very dependant upon him especially financially as they had a pretty good life together and she enjoyed that and is much worse-off financially as a single person.

The first year was hard for both of them. They both did the poky flat thing but they did get sorted eventually. Mum LOVES her independence she has really blossomed, has such a good life and friends etc and she says that one of her best memories is of me telling her (about 8 months after they split) how proud I was of her.

My dad's life looks a lot sadder but it is still what he wants. He has had a succession of girlfriends (because that is who he is) which actually quite quickly took him out of the devastated and helpless stage. To be fair, most have been quite long term (3-5 years or so) and he has been with the current one around 5 years now and they seem pretty stable. These women seem to know what they are getting into more so than mum ever did and so accept their "lot" better. It is a middle aged companionship/financial bargain which is a bit sad, although age and ill-health have mellowed the cheating somewhat, but who am I to judge and it genuinely seems to work for all.

Mum and dad have been through stages of being friendly and not speaking. They are currently in a cordial phase - can have lunch together along with me and the grandkids (and dad's GF) but would not seek the other out particularly and it all works.

Time...

I was only asking why the Op chose to get so involved this time. Not apportioning any blame.

I think it inappropriate for any parent to offload intimate details to a child, no matter the ages involved.

I think it's unreasonable to expect anyone to have anything but deep disgust about how your father decided to live his life, even close family. Just because you're the daughter and in earshot doesn't mean they must disguise how they feel. Honestly, I think you're expecting too much of them. It's possible that they see any emotional support needing to be offered should be going to your Mum and not necessarily to you and that's not wrong because you are not the victim of his appalling and continued betrayal.

He's living in a really pokey flat, completely broke because that is where his utterly vile behaviour has led him. He did all that because he wanted to and thought he could get away with it over and over again, and he didn't appear to care about any consequences at the time but now he does. Well hard fucking cheese.

I see what Frank is saying, OP is taking on the responsibility for her parents... include I make sure she is emotionally as well as financially ok

That is far too much involvement for any child, whatever their age, to take on.

OP, you really do need to talk this through with someone to see how you can best disengage a little, a counsellor is probably a really good idea. That doesn't mean stop caring, but from your posts it sounds as though you really do think that you have a responsibility to make their lives better. You don't. Really.

Also , think of it this way: they are adults and need to work through their separation so that they can re-organise their lives. With you 'fixing' things they can't do this. They must deal with your expectations first.

You don't have to take sides, but you do need to let them both stew it over for themselves.

neverknowingly thank you, helpful comments. Yes I agree time will be key. It's just getting thru the immediate to medium phase. Yes the conversation of stay & this is how it will always be or leave for a chance at a better life was a tough one, but key. I think it was this that triggered her decision to end it. Glad to see there is life after parental divorce. Your words struck home with me, thank you x

franksaysno i don't really have the energy to deal with your bluntness or questions. I have enough of that in real life. Even if I answer your questions are you really going to come back with anything constructive & helpful?

bitter I wasn't asking for their support as I have all I need in my husband, however it's very difficult to hear someone you love being attacked as such, despite it being his own doing. And if I genuinely felt they were supporting my mum & not jumping on the emotional bandwagon, then I probably wouldn't care as much. Yes it is hard fucking cheese for him, but I still love him. He has been there for me when I have been shit. It's called unconditional love. I have it for both my parents.

nomama I agree I do need counselling & looking into that. I also agree I need to take a step back, but how to do it is the bit I am struggling with. My conscience & love for them both is making it difficult for me to take a step back. Hopefully counselling will help me see this.

Thanks for taking the time to post back xx

I totally agree with bitter on this.

Your dad is your dad, but he behaved like an UTTER twunt for YEARS, and - as a grown adult - had to learn from his daughter how to work a domestic appliance? I'm actually quite pleased that his family aren't condoning his behaviour and just doing the traditional "blame the wife" angle.

If you aren't comfortable hearing what they say, either speak up or walk away.

I would disagree that a man could be a great parent and yet do this to his wife. Kids learn from their parents after all. But hey, that's just my view.

People are so weird? OP you are asking how best to deal with the truly horrible and sad situation you find yourself in. Not whether your father should be excused of his poor decisions and bad behaviour. Go to your GP now, don't wait until you moved so you can get on a waiting list for counselling and you can begin to sort out your complicated feelings with a professional. It is absolutely important you look after yourself and take a step back from the adults - they are grownups, each has made their choices and are grown up enough to deal with them. Perhaps excuse yourself from family get togethers or only be there briefly for a little while. I know you feel sorry for everyone but they will be ok, treat yourself with the same compassion you are providing for your adult parents. And ignore the judgemental weirdos. Xx

Thanks mumontherun. My H is not so keen on me going to counselling. He's got this thing that all of a sudden social services are going to get involved & take our son ( he works a lot with social services & has a negative view). Need some convincing here. I thought I could sneak of to sessions but considering either him or my mum are my childcare options I need to think best way to approach it. Just to be clear, I am not asking his permission, but I need him on side too to support me through this.
Just had another shit day. By 9.30 both mum and dad are ringing the landline & mobile trying to get hold of me. I eventually gave in & answered am hour later & there if some issue in the divorce settlement. I only spoke to mum but found that convo hard. I am under a lot of pressure at the minute & don't have the emotional capacity to take this on. I haven't answered dads call as I have only seemed to have bounced back from mum emotionally draining call.
I realised today that I dread coming home. Because I end up with one or both my parents on the phone sucking the life out of me. Whenever there is a problem it's me they ring first.
Seriously need to put some distance between them both but not sure how to. Feel sorry for mum though as she doesn't lean on her siblings or friends and didn't ask for this.
God I am exhausted today :(

OP [bunch] it must be hard for you.

I would disengage a bit if I were you. They are your mum and dad and you love them both and they love you. That doesn't stop just because they are separated.

I also feel that it is wrong for them to involve you in aspects if the divorce. It is their divorce and they need to work through it.

You can be there for them without getting involved iyswim. When they start to drag you in then you explain that it is for them to sort out and that you love them both and are not taking sides.

After divorce and finances are sorted maybe your dad will no longer be living in the poky flat?

Divorce is very hard and the fallout is hurtendous but once things have settled and with time I'm sure it will calm down.

Take care of yourself OP.

Parents divorcing is always tough, whatever your age, whatever the reason, and this is a particularly difficult situation.

In your OP you say you feel 'disappointed in the emotional support by the people closest to' you, excepting your husband obviously, but I really don't think you can expect that from other people. One has to shoulder one's own shit. It's annoying that your brother is is selfish but I guess he's always been like that. Your father's own relations are entitled to take whatever view of him they choose. Try not to take it personally.

Counselling is the obvious solution. I don't know where your husband got his irrational fears from but they are no based in reality. Nobody ever had their kids taken away because they had counselling when their parents divorced, that's ridiculous. You say he works with SS so he should know that's not how they work.

As others have said you need to detach somewhat from your parents situation and let them sort out their own lives, they are adults, and they will be ok.