I feel like my life has gone wrong somewhere.

[alice1988]

I am feeling really down at the moment, like something has gone wrong somewhere and I've missed out on making meaningful relationships with people and having the life I should have had.

I am 26 and when you'd have asked me at 16 how I would have pictured my life now, I would have said I'd be married (or engaged), thinking about having children with my own house and a group of close friends. I don't have any of that.

I am not odd or antisocial, I'm a normal, friendly person. I have a job and people see me as a nice person, yet I feel so isolated.

I was in a long term relationship up until a month ago. We had been together 3 years and I thought we would end up getting married. He told me he wanted marriage, kids, a future etc. We even had our own house. It ended abruptly - he stopped wanting to do things with me, was really moody every day, started secretly texting women from work, told me that I was like a stranger to him, blamed me for everything, stopped making the effort with his appearance and he has now told our mutual friends it was all my fault and that 'I didn't have time for him' because of my job.

This has really hurt me because I feel like I did everything to save it, but it's hard when it's all one way. To make things worse, a friend of mine saw him on a dating site and gave me a link to his profile. He'd written on it that he loved going out to new places and travelling (he rarely wanted to do this with me). This was about 3 weeks after we split up, so he wasted no time in getting back out there. I still feel sick and can't even entertain the thought of seeing someone new. I tried to sign up to an online dating site with the encouragement on the same friend, but it was too hard and I didn't want to talk to anyone so I deleted it. I'm just not ready. I do feel bitter though; I've wasted a chunk of my life on him, when I could have been building a meaningful future with someone else.

Now I've had to move back home with my parents because I couldn't afford the house, ex didn't want to keep it and I'm hoping to get my own place again when I can afford it. It's just a nightmare here. My brother (who is cared for by my DM) is severely autistic and regularly hits me or screams in my face about trivial things and my parents just make excuses for him. I feel scared all the time, it's like having a grown man attacking me (he is 23 and bigger than me.) Sometimes I don't even know why he's upset - it could be because there's a fly in the room. He goes to respite for 3 days a week but it's not enough - he seems to hate me being in the house and even gets angry when my parents talk to me. I find it very distressing because I like a calm atmosphere and it's never quiet here. He is always angry about something and things are often broken through his temper. I have changed a lot since I've moved back. Just feel really anxious and can't sleep at night.

I don't have many close friends left either. I lost touch with my friends from school and my uni friends moved back to their home towns and although I try to stay in touch, it doesn't really work. I am a social person and I really miss having female friendships. I even joined the girlfriend social website and I met a really nice woman on there, but she is often busy and I've only seen her twice.

I just feel like there's something wrong with me. Sometimes I think - where did it all go so wrong? I see people I knew at school/work on Facebook and their lives seem so much better. They have close friends, loving relationships, their own house, perfect families etc.

One of my ex work colleagues is 24 and she's just had a lovely wedding attended by hundreds of people who seem to love her. There are pictures of her looking beautiful all over my news feed and I just think - I am 2 years older than her and our situations couldn't be more different. I doubt I'd have many people to invite to my wedding even if I did find someone. Sometimes I think that if I died tomorrow, only my close family would notice.

You probably all think I'm so pathetic but it's just how I feel and I needed to write it down somewhere. Sometimes I think that my life is going to be like this forever. I am so busy with my job that I don't often have the time or energy to get out and meet people. I am thinking of joining a local drama group as I was always involved in things like that at school, but the local one doesn't open again until next month as they are having building renovations done. I also need to summon up the courage as my confidence has taken a knock recently.

Sorry for the essay. I suppose I'm just looking for advice and maybe a bit of hand holding. I am feeling so down tonight, like there is no point in anything.

I can't think of any specific advice, but I had periods of feeling like this all the time in my late 20s. Counselling helped though. Are you living in a city? There might be a local improv group who would have a younger crowd than am.dram.

Perfect lives on FB aren't always perfect....and I hope things look up for you!

It seems like you've had a rough month, no wonder your self confidence is low. Sorry I'm not good with advise, but I truly hope you find a way to be happy again. Xx

Could you look into a flat share? There's probably other quiet people out there looking for a nice housemate...that would remove the brother issue and give you a bit more independence, they might have friends you like too.

Maybe a change of job? I don't know how often opportunities come up in your field though.

It's understandable to feel low in your current situation but you really have such a long and happy future ahead of you. People are still changing,growing and learning in their 20's so in not marrying a man who turned out to be so rotten and fickle you have had a lucky escape ( I am assuming you don't have kids with him so you never have to see him again) you need to find what really interests you and pursue hobbies ( even if you are just going through the motions at first you'll eventually form friendships with like minded people) is there any way you could rent a place as the situation at home is awful? If not then get out as much as possible. Perhaps you could do a part time job for a short while in a bar or restaurant? It would get you out of the house, you'd meet other young sociable people and it could help you save so you can get your own place sooner.

Facebook doesn't present a realistic picture of what people's real lives are as people present the highlights there. Chin up,in a year or 2 you'll be glad your relationship ended as you'll be able to see there is so much better out there

Hi that sounds so shit for you - I'm truly sorry. Firstly there is nothing wrong with you, but you have reached a speed wobble in your life and you need to climb over it. You kinda sound like my younger sister a few years ago.... She came out of a relationship (4 yrs) utterly heartbroken aged 32 and thought her life was over and that she should become a nun. Then she did a life skills course, hooked up with some old friends and started to go out and socialise again. She did as many night classes and courses as her time would allow and guess what...... she met her future husband in a busy kebab shop in a high street in our town (Seriously) She hates kebabs, but was out with a friend who dropped her as friends old boyfriend appeared. My lovely sis is now married aged 41 and expecting her first baby!! please please don't give up - hope springs from unlikely places. You are young (OMG 26!!!) Bet you will be married with 2/3 kids in 10 yrs time, at the ripe old age of 36. Don't give up x x

Aw you are ever so tough on yourself OP - First off don't compare yourself to other people - you will always find someone who has a bigger house or more money or in some way seems to have more of a life than you, this is true for all of us, it's a pointless game. Second you've split with your long term boyfriend - you need time to mourn the relationship. You did all you could but it wasn't to be and you are free to find (in time) someone who makes you happy.
Not being married at 26 is pretty normal in my experience - In fact nearly all the young uns I know at work who are under about 34 are single, some are dating, some live with someone but the whole house/marriage/kids thing is rare.
You have your job - it's very hard to return home when you've had your own place so what about a flat share with someone your own age? It will get you away from the stresses of home and could lead to a revived social life. Join clubs that interest you - have a goal to aim for. Go on trips. I think it's happens to a lot of people they drift off from friends when they get lost in their first serious relationship but you can rekindle some and make new ones.

First though you need to be gentle with yourself as a long relationship break up is very painful. You won't see it yet but you are young and free and have loads of time to aim for what you want.
x
p.s FB is nonsense - people rarely post the reality of their lives just the bits that give the impression they want.
p.p.s There is nothing wrong with you - your confidence has just taken a massive knock which makes you question yourself, it will return.

Booohooo, boohoooo, boohoo, I wish I was 26.

Anyhow I'm not.

But it's completely normal to feel unhappy sometimes. Don't worry about it because that is normal, everyone has regrets and misgivings. The bride where everyone loved her, how will she feel when she gets back to work, stress, problems, complaints. She had a lovely wedding but sadly it doesn't last forever. Stop concentrating on others and concentrate on yourself. Start getting fit, finding hobbies or interests, meeting new people, being busy. Then you will find what you really want to do in life.

You are dealing with two very difficult situations in your life, a break up and a very stressful home life.

You mentioned that you had a job and were seen as a nice person, I bet your colleagues think you are great! Without giving too much away obv, can you tell us about why you are good at your job and what you think your colleagues think about you?

Look at your successes, it is difficult to see out when you are overwhelmed by events but there will be some really positive things about you and your life.

The drama club is a great idea, take a deep breath and send them an email asking to join!

Very few people I know met their dhs in their 20s. I was single working round the clock at 26. Met dh at work at 29 couldn't be happier with him and lovely dds. Hang in there get a flat share though definitely.

Moving into a house share was the making of me. I returned from 2 years abroad with close friends scattered far and wide and feeling low. I moved into an owner occupied house share with 5 others and it wasn't party central but it was social and brought me so many experiences which I wouldn't have had if I had lived alone.
I appreciate a house/flat share isn't for everyone but its a good suggestion that has already been msde up thread

Sorry to sound whiny, I promise I'm not like this usually. It's just the mood I'm in tonight.

I would like a flat share but fear is stopping me. During my last year of uni, my friends that I'd flat shared with went on a year abroad and I ended up moving in with 2 girls I didn't know well. To cut a long story short, they ganged up on me as they knew one another before and I was the outsider. I have never really recovered from that as it was a horrible time in my life and I said that I'd never share a flat with someone I didn't know again. So that option is very worrying for me. I am trying to save to rent alone but it's going to take a while.

My colleagues are lovely but most of them are 40+ and don't really want to socialise with me out of work. I have gone out for drinks with them before but I feel a bit odd, like I can't join in with some of their conversations about husbands/kids etc. I think they see that I'm a nice person who doesn't gossip about people and I'm easy going, even under pressure.

Maybe it's my area, but everyone in their mid to late 20s seems settled down, or about to settle down. It makes me feel like I've got something wrong with me. Many of my friends from school have DCs already.

Alice1988, you are a young one, don't mind what your friends are doing, chances are they will be divorced in 10 yrs. Relax and enjoy your youth (FGS) I would give anything to be 26 again. You have 10 years before you have to start worrying (seriously) and even then you don't have to worry ( ask my sister) Come back in 10 yrs and tell us how you got on x

Could you change jobs? I was in a similar position when I broke up with a long term BF and everyone I worked with was old/unsociable.

Re flat share, I'm sorry that happened to you. Hopefully working people have better things to do than start vendettas though.

Ignore what you see on FB. An acquaintance of mine has a perfect looking life if you look on there. Doting husband, lovely house, holidays abroad, two gorgeous children....and yet I know for a fact her doting husband has been cheating on her with young men and he has debts sky high which she is trying to conceal.
Don't compare your insides with everyone else's outsides...take some time to reflect on who you are and what you want and get a place of your own as soon as you are able.

Are you due any money from the house? Not sure if it was mortgaged or rented...

I was 36 when I finally had a life sorted enough to have a child - so you have 10 years : it's worth the wait

You need a list darling. A lost of dreams. Don't worry about how you will achieve them, just get the ideas down x

Turn it around OP. you feel like you are alone and have nothing / no one. This also means that you have no ties, no obligations, no guilt. If you can work out what you want to do, where you want to go, there is nothing stopping you. You owe no one, nothing. No kids to tie you down, no partner to have to compromise with. You get to choose, just you. Possibly I am suffering from grass-is-greener syndrome, but sitting here aged 42, two young children who need me and an OH who has his own dreams, I envy your freedom to choose and to put yourself first. Carpe deum!

OP
So you won't flat share because of one unpleasant experience?!....I've shared with many in the past and it can be brilliant if you get on or hell if you don't - you just shared with horrible people before.

Find one nice person to share with and bring something to the table - suggest outings, cook for each other, don't wait to be asked.

You won't socialise with anyone from work because you can't talk about kids and husbands like them? Talk about something else! Suggest a cineam trip.....
I get the impression you are waiting around hoping for others to make your social life to fall into place - YOU have to do it, suggest things, organise things, steer the conversation onto something you can talk about.

You really need to take control and start shaping things, don't just wait for other people to invite you...

I had some hideous experiences house sharing, but I had some great ones, too. All part of life's experiences.

Put yourself out there and make new girlfriends. The boy can come later. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you have all the time in the world. Seriously. You really do.

I met my husband at 31. Prior to that, I wasn't too interested in meeting a life partner. I focussed on my career, and travelling, and socialising. The years between 26 and when I met my husband were some of the best years of my life. I shared a house with two blokes, and later, two girls. We had a ball.

I'm now 45 and caught up with one of my old flatmates recently. We reminisced and laughed about the fact that when we all got together next time, it would be probably for someone's 50th birthday.

Have you heard of this
www.meetup.com/

I don't know where you live but there are groups all over the country.

Of course you're down! What a shock this all is. If someone had told you three months ago that you'd be single and living back at your parents' house now, you'd have laughed incredulously. Your entire life has been turned on its head. You're (understandably) depressed and so everything looks black.

The one single good thing about being ancient (I'm 43) is that you learn how everything passes. The way you feel now won't last forever. You won't even feel this bad in another month's time.

I would love to see you sharing a flat with friends - I think that'd be fun, and a change, and just what you need. Could you go and see some places anyway? It sounds like you were very unlucky before with the two girls ganging up. How about sharing a place with just one other girl? Or a bloke? (In my experience though, men are duller to live with - they never do anything.)

It must be very hard for you at home, but imagine how hard it is for your mum! So relish your independence while you can.

It will all get better. It will.

Alice you don't sound pathetic at all. You've had a tough time and you're perfectly entitled to a bit of wallowing and feeling down.

But... you are 26; it's such a cliche but you have your whole life ahead of you and I absolutely completely and totally promise this stage will pass and things will get LOADS better. Actually when I was your age I was in sort of the same position - an LTR had ended, I was living back with my parents (after having experienced a horrible flat share like the one you describe), it all felt a bit meh and I wondered what the hell I was doing with my life.

Over the next few years, I went travelling, lived abroad, had a husband and a baby, changed careers, retrained, got another degree, got divorced (!!) and now live very happily ever after with my ds, my fabulous dp (who I met when I was 38) and have a very nice life indeed. And, btw, I have a million plans for the next 30-40 years!

It's normal to feel crap and your home life really does sound tough. But you are the only one who can change your situation. You have to make this stuff happen and not sit around wondering why it's all a bit shit. The world is your oyster! Join the drama club. Take time to find a flat share that you really like. I bet those work colleagues are just dying to talk about something other than kids and husbands, you know...

Best of luck!