Worried for my Dsis

[madamweasel]

My Dsis is quite young, 20, and quite emotionally immature. She just broke up with a bf 6months ago and rebounded with a new one. Then, out of the blue, started seeing an older man, 42, who also happens to be a cross-dresser (Let's call him Sue). A couple of weeks ago she called me an said she'd broken up with Sue because he was very controlling and she didn't agree with some of the things he wanted her to do. But Sue reacted very badly to this situation and accused Dsis of ruining his life, etc.etc.

I reassured her that she could make her own decisions and that his reaction was probably because he was upset, which would be normal after being dumped.

Since then, she's decided to not only get back with him, but move in with him and now they are engaged. She's known him approx 5 months and I don't know how long they've been dating properly.

She was going to visit me this week for 4 days but has called off and said she doesn't think she can make it for a couple of months but has lots to tell me and hopes I'll be happy for her (I found out about the engagement from DM). We don't see each other very regularly because we live far apart and I have DC so find it hard to travel without making the necessary arrangements, etc.

Obviously, I want the best outcome for my Dsis and am hoping that this relationship is good for her but I'm very shocked at how things have suddenly progressed and there are a number of things that are ringing alarm bells with me. I haven't met Sue yet but I do know he has been married and divorced twice and has a 22yr old daughter who doesn't speak to him because they fell out. He also seems to still be controlling as he's told my Dsis to change her name to one he likes (wtf?) and yet she seems happy to go along with this. She says she loves Sue, and I'm sure her feelings are honest. I'm just worried about what I should do next and how I should act/approach the whole situation seeing that I feel uneasy but don't want to alienate myself from Dsis. I just want what's best for her and my instinct says run a mile but I know I've got to see how this plays out and be there for her whatever happens.

Dearest mumsnet, what would you do?

Stay discreet, say you'll always be there for her if ever she needs you and don't speak against this guy too much. You can make your reservations known subtly by the way you speak even, but once is probably enough. Too overt and she may not feel she can come to you if / when things go wrong.

There's a lot of scarlet red flags here, she will probably need you in the future. Good luck :/

How awful. How on earth can a 42 year old claim that a 20 year old he's known for a few months (I'm calling him 'he' because I presume 'Sue' is his cross dressing alter ego - or is he seeking gender reassignment?) has 'ruined his life'? He'd lived most of it before she was born!!

I presume Dsis isn't in any way classified as a 'vulnerable adult' eg learning difficulties?
If not, all you and family can do is be in the wings as support, not lending money that will end up in 'Sue's' pocket, etc.

If she was a vulnerable adult would that make a difference?

Ok, I just read the definitions of vulnerable adult and Dsis does have mild learning difficulties but I'm not sure she'd be considered to lack the capacity to make decisions for herself. As I said, she's emotionally immature for her age, a bit like a teenager really but she is over 18. That's why it worries me