Finally started 'the conversation' (sorry it's long)

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I've posted a few times about my situation under various nicknames. In summary been together 18 years with 3 DC's been unhappy for several years and getting unhappier.

Felt unloved, unappreciated, I work full time and vast majority of domestic responsibility has fallen on me, he's been miserable and self centred always on about how hard things are for him, shouting at the kids, intolerant, sex life perfunctory, I've not fancied him in ages but gone through the motions to keep the peace.

Unknown to him I've had some counselling sessions to try to sort out my feelings. Decided I wanted to end the relationship but afraid of the consequences, not financially but impact on the children, pain for everyone, the anger and so on.

I know I am at fault for not speaking up much sooner. I feel like it is too late to fix but I don't hate or dislike him or wish him ill.

Two and a half weeks ago I started to tell him how I feel. Initially he was angry and blamed it all on me but very quickly, within minutes, he said he realised it was his fault.

Says he loves me so much and will change. He has changed, the children have noticed and commented. He is trying so hard. He's devastated that things have got to this but what I don't understand is how he could love me so much and treat me so badly and think things were OK. He admits it wasn't great but thought it was 'how things are'.

He's been crying every day, asking me questions late into the night, waking me up early and asking me more - those are the only time we've got to talk. I've promised myself I'll be honest but I know I'm hurting him and it's getting exhausting. His attentiveness has been a bit stifling. I know he wants me to say 'do this for so long and everything will be alright' but I can't. We've stopped having sex - thank goodness.

I'm thinking now that maybe there's a glimmer of hope and that I have to give it a chance.

I explained that it had taken years to get to this position and a few weeks wouldn't change my feelings. He seemed to have accepted this and said he would be patient and stop putting pressure on me.

He's finding the no sex part really difficult and last night it became clear that he didn't realise I didn't find him sexually attractive, he thought I was 'just supressing it' (why would any one do that?). So was devastated all over again resulting in another very late night and early morning. I've been shattered today and was meant to be getting up early to tackle jobs round the house.

Work is massively pressured at the moment. I've had to tell him if he tries to start a late night conversation on a work night I'm going to have to tell him I can't do it then. Emotionally it's draining never mind the lack of sleep.

Posting to get it off my chest really, to try to relieve some of the pressure.

It's still all about him really isn't it? Nothings changed at all.

From past experience when it gets to the point where you feel indifferent to your partner then it's dead in the water. I would be asking him to move out to let you think (or you take a break somewhere even). This constant badgering is going to overwhelm you.

It's OK to end it, you know. You don't have to have a reason that he will accept or understand. You don't want to be in the marriage anymore. That in itself is sufficient. Don't force yourself to keep trying out of a sense of obligation.
And tell him to stop with the late nights and early mornings, it sounds emotionally wearing, exhausting and oppressive. If you need to have a proper talk get someone to take the kids and do it when you're both free and well rested.

I've thought that gamerchick - about it still being all about him so I know what you mean.

I suppose my thinking is that he's still in shock and I need to give him some time to 'catch up' with reality. Him moving out would really disturb the children.

He's said this afternoon that he'll give me the space I need. I was out on Friday night and stayed over with a friend and didn't get back till Saturday afternoon, having picked up DD at lunchtime and gone for lunch with her, and I'm out twice this coming week.

But, yes, it's the personal space when I'm at home that's the issue. Him constantly seeking reassurances I can't give will do us both no good.

I do feel a sense of obligation no only to him but to the children. We co-parent well enough but to me it's like a brother/sister relationship, no spark.

I also know I should have said something sooner. I can see a pattern now in that I realise I've done this before - let a partner treat me badly, not dramatic stuff but those corrosive things, left it till the relationship has died for me and they've been shocked that it was so bad when to me it's obvious.

So I know I'm at fault here too.

He's devastated that things have got to this but what I don't understand is how he could love me so much and treat me so badly and think things were OK. Because him treating you badly has only impacted him, now that you've talked about ending the relationship. Self interest is a great motivator and his new 'insights' will probably last as long as his self interest is threatened. His apparent constant need to discuss things is a means to manipulate you into shutting you up by exhausting the topic.

Give it one more try if you must but prepare for the worst.

Yes that's It... exhausting the topic so you give up. I remember through that last year when I was desperate for my ex to leave and every time I tried to force it he would gather the kids and cry and beg me to let him stay in front of them. He used to crawl into bed and try to cuddle me and I would go elsewhere and he would follow me around the house with a pillow.. He just wouldn't let me sleep without him next to me cuddling me. I feel anxious just thinking about it.

Keeping your kids in this tense atmosphere is damaging.. They have no control over it.. surely it's better to get that bit of splitting up over with so you can all heal and start afresh?

Thanks for your comments Isetan and gamerchick.

The wounded puppy looks and constant seeking of reassurance are getting on my nerves quite frankly. I made the mistake of responding 'Love you too' as a reflex reaction, like I would to the children, to his 'I love you' as I was in a rush to leave for work this morning - cue gushing text.

I feel a right cow for the way I feel - almost despising him for the way he's reacting but I don't want a grovelling doormat for a husband any more than I want an uninterested, miserable, self-centred, stress ball.

gamerchick that sounds truly horrible - I can't bear people 'all over me' at the best of times. Anxious is a good way to describe how I was feeling before I raised the problem, I didn't realise how anxious I'd become till it was eased and I don't want to go back there.