Can't help myself. Feel envy of my friend.

[GoMe]

I have been feeling like this for a while now but we have a massive back story but to cut it short:

Went to her wedding yesterday; all lovely.
Lovely wedding, her family is lovely, her husband's family is lovely, her husband is such a great guy, their baby is amazing and they have such a nice group of friends. And so much money at the moment/nice jobs.

I know I shouldn't compare but a part from my own DC who is not a baby anymore:
My family is super dysfunctional, my husband's family are nice people but also dysfunctional and I have nothing in common with them. I have very dew friends and don't even think they care a great deal about me and Dh has 1 friend in total and it is a very new work based friendship.
Dh and I are apparently growing apart after nearly a decade, we work very hard in not well paid jobs where climbing up is a very slow process and our wedding was really crap.

Aw
everything is generally lovely at weddings though
Everyone paints on a smile but who knows what's going on behind closed doors
And at least you're lucky to count the bride as a lovely friend

Exactly- the bride is your friend. Of all these lovely people you saw yesterday, you were one! Maybe so one else is sitting perhaps also nursing a post-wedding hangover thinking Gome is fab, I really envy her.

Thanks for the

Yes I count her as a good friend now. She is such a caring, sweet and very intelligent person and she deserves all that she got right now but as I said, we have a back story when she done wrong by me and hurt me a lot.
Somehow we managed to get past this, I 'think' I forgave her and she made a big effort to stay friends with me even though I am slightly reluctant and I give 95% of myself to our friendship. However we never spoke about the past and she never apologised with words but I feel this is something that she has to start, not me.
Maybe I still feel resentful and this equals envy - the not fair feeling.

I am not naturally an envious person. ;(

Sorry to trot out the rather well-used MN saying "comparison is the thief of joy" so rather than that, can I suggest constructively that you think about some small changes that you can personally do, to regain control, and to put joy back into your own life.

Those changes are only what you can choose but maybe things like finding one or two new friends, or starting a new interest (something creative? something to develop a skill?) and even something for yourself, new hairstyle etc. nothing that costs a fortune, money doesn't necessarily equate to good quality or taste ( you only have to look at the celebs to realise that!)

None of these things will 'magic' your life into being perfect, but its a start to build on, and most of all its about changing things for the better, not relying on other people to make you happy, because it sounds like the people in your life wont do that, so get out there and do it for yourself, today, not next month or next year!

It is natural to feel crap seeing everyone on display at a wedding, that is the perfect day for some (not all) so don't use it as a yardstick against your own life challenges, a very unequal comparison!!

GoMe, even your friend's "loveliness" didn't stop her from doing something to hurt you ... So, hey nobody is perfect after all.

Yesterday also made me realise how important it is to have a loving - supportive non dysfunctional family bringing you up.

My parents were really selfish, drunks, dysfunctional, hated each other and members of both sides were constantly criticising each other, as a child I felt exhausted with all the family problems.
I have never felt supported, no one took interest in my interests, I was just existing and had to do as told, growing up amongst criticising people.
No one never told me I could achieve and become whatever I wanted, it was all so negative.
I really need to sort out my issues with my past.

Everyone feels like this sometimes. Your friend's life is unlikely to be as perfect as you imagine, sounds like you are using it as a lens through which to view the aspects of your own life that you're unhappy with. Far better to recognise this and focusing on improving your own lot than pining for your friend's life.

As an illustration, last week I saw a friend/colleague whom I often consider to have a perfect life, both professionally and family. Turns out he's currently at risk of redundancy and his wife has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Scratch the surface and we all have our demons.

She was very young daisy at the time, she is about 8 years younger then me. At that time I have had much problems and hurt in my life and what she did just piled up. I had loads more negative experiences than her, I know what she did wasn't right but I just think she didn't know how to deal appropriately with the situation.

Or maybe this is just me making excuses and trying to be s martyr.

Poor GoMe - and I say that with total empathy.

Some people who have "had life relatively easy" can be blasé and dismissive, but your description of your own challenges are massive, I can tell that, just by what you have mentioned. I am sure that is a simplified version, lots more where that came from, and I don't for a moment think it is something you can resolve completely on your own.

We get the hand we are dealt with in life, it can make you strong and resourceful ( more than people who get it all handed on a silver plate) but if you can get some RL support to put to rest your past sadness at the lack of family love that you so needed, it could help start to repair your hurt. I say this from personal experience.

You sound very strong, and a magnanimous person for having stayed friends with your DF. Hopefully she counts herself lucky to have you.

You don't sound like a martyr at all

You don't sound like a martyr and I am so sorry you had such a harsh upbringing. I bet that was really hard to watch at her wedding, seeing a lovely family setup after your awful one.

All you can do is to make sure you look after you. Be the kind and loving mother you never had and make sure you get enough rest, eat properly and have some fun in your life too.

Counselling will help you come to terms with the pain of your past, it's worth investing your time in this kind of healing and there are many options.

Best of luck to you in breaking free from the legacy of your upbringing and I hope you find the peace and happiness you deserve.

Thanks.
I haven't cried for a while...

I wouldn't get too hung up on this. We recently (this weekend in fact) had friends over - people we don't see that often due to distance.

Some of these friends (they're my wife's friends really) seem to be doing really well, and live what most would consider to be pretty fortunate lives. My wife was embarassed because our house resembles a building site - think new-born baby with no kitchen and uncarpeted hallway. My wife ignored the fact that the house (a real labour of love) is big enough to sleep 13 (inc 5 kids) and instead focussed on the negative.

On reflection though, she realised she wouldn't want to swap lives with any of them. Yes their lives seem perfect, but not a single one would stand up to close scrutiny. I don't mean this in a spiteful way, it's just the way it is. If your friend seems perfect, you're not looking hard enough, or don't know her well enough.

Use some of that negative feeling to set about making changes to your own life/situation.

A long time ago I realised one of the reasons I don't like weddings is that it seems everybody is put together in the same room to play "happy families and friends" for a day. Some manage this spectacularly, some not so.

I also come from a very dysfunctional, difficult background, OP, and there's nothing worst than the perfect British wedding to bring out that to the surface, and make me think my life was, has been rubbish compared to those pictures of perfection offered at weddings.

I'm from another culture, you could say much more relaxed than the British - or Americans - about presenting our lives as perfect or as coming out of a fairy tale. One trait that really baffles me about British culture is that not even good friends tell each other about their private lives. So you always see the perfect surface, never the depth of human experience.

That's why forums like these, and people publishing their biographies to the world, gossip in tabloids are so popular in this culture. People are starved for what really goes on in other people's lives, because not even within families, the full picture of reality is openly exposed.

This is just a point of view to show you that you are not seeing the full picture of your friend's life. It might be much more complex than that. You and your husband probably just have a family like most of us, a dysfunctional mess, that we manage to survive the best that we could.

OP, pour yourself a glass of wine and be happy for the life you have, and how far you have gone inspire of all the difficulties. And also raise your glass for your friend and wish her all the best with her life. It will make you feel better.

Thank you so much, you all make me feel better with your kind words.
I am too from another country/culture, much more relaxed and "what you see is what yo get" type of people.
The weddings are also very different, no speeches at all, no one needs to say to an audience, how wonderful the groom or bride are and how amazing and supportive their families are and how much they helped etc...