Do I stay for my DD?

[supersonic]

I'm sure this has been discussed osmewhere but felt like I needed to air my problem. Live with my partner and DD who is 3 in June I live about 50 miles away from my family do not very far but his family are local. My partner is fantastic in almost every way - he is good round the house - brilliant with our DD - everyone tells me what a great guy he is and how lucky I am - I'm sure I am but there is one problem I am not sure I I am in love with him anymore - I am finding everything a little bit boring and basically I don't think (my head is so messy at the moment I cannot think straight) he rocks my boat anymore. We have decided that I am staying beause I do not wish to disrupt our DD as she getting on so well at her preschool and I cannot bear to take her away from this and her daddy.To make matters worst I met a friend (who has partner and kids) who I have know for 10 years or more and there has always been a mutual attraction and it has this attraction has come to something on severak ocassions and dare I admit 3/4 times since I have been with my partner - It is so so wrong but cannot help feeling great, womanly and wanted when with him, put us both together in the real world and it wouldn't work, so why do it? I apologise for going on but this is the first time I have spoken about this, if anyone has any advice please help!

This other guy offers you excitement, risk and a sexual kick. That's why you do it, but hats off to you in realising that it just wouldn't work 'in the real world'. It sounds to me like you and your DP have a chance to make it work. Wiuld you consider going to Relate ? Talking to someone who is objective and can offer you help may well improve things with DP.

Maybe a weekend away with DP (without DD) would help ? Perhaps you need to remember why you fell in love with him in the first place, domestic drudgery and parenthood does a lot to dampen your lust for your partner. It may help to refresh things a little.

You should not stay for the sake of your daughter, you will start to resent your partner and she will pick up on it, and make her unhappy. (i speak from experience, my parents are together just because my siblings are still young, my sister who is 12 now phones me in tears because they argue so much). I'm sorry that your family aren't close to you, I don't have any advice about that. Whatever you do, make sure you are going to be 100% happy.

Thanks WSM - I sometimes wonder if perhaps I would need to be on my own, not with anyone at all - but this will not happen because I would not put my daughter through it. Me and DP really do clash on so many things, little things, he drives me mad, it seems we don't have anything in common, we don't even seem to laugh at the same things, and this I feel is a shame. We are going to the cinema on Saturday and I am looking forward to this but a romantic night out it is not. I have said i would still like to do things together and as a family otherwise it would be awful, he has agreed. He doesn't attempt to come near me at bedtime and visa versa it is so sad. Now when I go visiting my family (this is when I see this other guy) my heart beats as it should when I see him and i feel good. I even go on my own to visit them sometimes now so I can go out for a few hours and 'relax' but I only go up on my own if I know he is around. As I write this I realise I am doign everything I hate in a person!

It might be worth trying some counselling as you obviously "love" him but are not in love with him.
I agree with WSM, its worth seeing if you can save this relationship before entertaining another ill founded one...
Good luck
xx

Sorry Happy1 I didn't see your post - I understand completely what you are saying. Before when me and myDP have argues my mum has always said we should not stay together for DD but it seems me leaving would be selfish as compared to some people I have a wonderful family life. My parents split and it did effect me and perhaps it still does in some ways. Is it possible to live in the same house and not be together? There has to be a point where one of us would need some emotional and physical loving - what would happen then?

I think you are right Kiwisbird, I love him but am not in love with him, I think me and DP have agreed on this, although sometimes, I think he just says it to try and hurt me instead of really meaning it, unfortunately I do mean it. I have mentioned councelling to him before it came to a head like this and he dismissed it - his one of these guys who really does not talk much about feelings/emotions (like many I guess) and he just would not go, no matter how much he wanted it to work.

I think most relationships go through patches like this. Marriage/long-term relationships cannot be exciting and romantic all the time. Of course there is excitement in being attracted to someone else and knowing that they are attracted to you. Presumably this is how you felt about your partner in the beginning. Plus of course now that you both have families there is the added excitement of "forbidden fruit". Don't stay just for the sake of your daughter. Stay for the sake of your relationship. If it was worth staying and starting a family, it has to be worth a bit of effort to keep it intact. Life with a small child/children can be very boring and routines can drive you mad. Your partner's little foibles which once attracted you can become incredibly irritating. A lot of this can be put down to tiredness and the strain of being a parent.

Work on it. Look at your diet and boost your energy with vitamins, etc. You never know, if you feel more alive physically, perhaps you will view your relationship differently. If that doesn't work, try Relate or some other type of counselling.

Supersonic,
I think it's incredibly sad that you are willing to write off your relationship, cos it's got boring.

This man is the father of your child, you have created her together. Although I agree that no child should live in a house full of battles and acrimony, I think you should really try working at getting your relationship back together, instead of just abandoning it.

I suspect that you wouldn't be thinking so much of leaving if it wasn't for the other guy. In your shoes, I'd try (i know it must be hard) to put him out of the picture. Forbid yourself from seeing him. He is influencing your feelings, and you are causing a problem to his family, which should be on your consiounce (can't spell).

Freckle, how right you are regarding tiredness etc. I have aproblem with my dd sleeping and have done since she was little - in the process of sorting it out we have discussed the fact that this may play a big part in it, but it isn't the cause of the feelings that are missing.Easy, i hope it hasn't come across that I want to leave because my relationship is boring because it isn't that, its just something is missing, and I think you are right that this guy being on the scene is influencing my decision and perhaps the idea of what I want my life to be like. The thing is I cannot even contemplate leaving because I would not put my DD through the upheaveal and change nor would I put her through the hell of parents arguing and bickering all the time, this is one thing we agree on and that is no arguing or tension in front of DD. My DP has just come in and now decided if we are not going to be 'together' then he will start to tell everyone as he is not living a lie, he knows I would hate people to know what is going in our lives, when really I don't know myself. He said he wants to be with me but then he said if it wasn't for DD neither of us would put up with each others behaviour and attitude which is correct - I am getting more and more confused!!!