Family, no contact, confusion and illness

[YouThinkImUgly]

Hi, I'm a long time luker and have found a lot of the advice here, in particular on the Stately Homes thread, invaluable. However, I'm currently facing a dilemma and need some insight from outsiders to help me make sense of things.

So as not to dripfeed, I have had issues with both my parents and sibling since I was a child. Things got progressively worse as I got older, moving away and having a family of my own. Essentially, my issues surround being the 'black sheep' and 'scapegoat' of the family; feeling that my sibling is far more preffered than me; lack of support and interest in life. I won't go into details, but let's just say that many stories on the Stately Homes thread about uninterested parents, being blamed for problems etc have rung very true to me.

Over the past few years, mostly because I did not like who I was, and also due to fears that my messed up upbringing would affect how I treat my family, I have sought therapy. At first I approached my parents with my issues head on, and for a while I felt that my mother was willing to admit her mistakes and work with me on our relationship. Soon after, however, I was forced to go no contact with my sibling after some unacceptable, hurtful behaviour. This unfortunately caused things to be worse than ever with my parents, reigniting the feeling that I was the unfavoured child. Eventually, after things got worse, I went no contact at the beginning of this year.

Although it was hard in many ways, especially hard to realise how little they did care (they did not try to contact me at all, basically told extended family that I didn't exist anymore), recently I've been feeling much better about things, and my issues surrounding low self esteem/low self worth etc have started to improve.

Today things have been thrown into the balance. My mother contacted me to let me know that my father has cancer, that he didn't want to tell me but she felt I should know. She was quite mean on the call, telling me 'I know you don't care what happens to us' in a vitriolic way. I politely listened and then ended the call.

Now I feel confused and angry. I don't know how to play this. To confuse matters further, I am seriously ill myself (although it is a liveable condition, not life threatening). I just feel like I don't want my parents to hate me so much, but also I know I was happier without them. Now all I can think is my old 'I'm the problem, I'm the evil one' and I'm starting to fall back into a self-hating mode.

Any advice? Has anyone been through similar? Apologies for the essay by the way, and thanks for reading.

this is really difficult ... no clear path, is there?

I guess that you need to balance how you feel with them being NC or in contact now, with how you'll feel in the long term when you look back at their presence in your life or out of it.

First off your priority must be your own health for the sake of your own family and children. They are the future and the most important. If you have only limited health, you need to spend your energy carefully.

What does your partner think about being in contact or not being in contact?

after that, guess it's decision time; to stay NC or to get in contact. Low contact would be best because you'll be putting your hands into a nest of acid-dipped sharpened wire.

What they say - and they will clearly be nasty, judging by this call - will hurt. The best way to deal with it (if you get in contact at all) is to try to remain emotinally detached. There are various tricks to that, worth looking on google. A few ideas:

• try to think of them as strangers than you're forced to deal with but not close, so what they say is like the spite of sick and sad strangers.

• Reply to what they say with neutral comments "I'm sorry you feel that way" "I understand that's how you feel" "you're entitled to feel that way" It's really annoy them but it helps you keep emotional distance

• if it gets too much then make an excuse and leave for now.

• Be aware that the death of someone (like birth actually) brings up a lot of difficult feelings. When a family's been very negative those feelings are even more complicated and often difficult - anger, guilt, sadness, residual love. keep talking to your husband

• maybe try to keep things practical

• if they really become unbearable either keep the visits very short or go NC again. You'll have tried and nothing in this world means you have to put your hand or your heart in a pan of boiling lava to be scalded over and over.

• your children are the most important. Keep that in mind all the time and if it becomes too much, quietly lessen the contact.

essay over :p ... hope it helps a bit!

Thank you so much, your advice has helped settle my panic a bit!

Absolutely my own family are my first responsibility, and I'll do everything I can to ensure that my attention stays there. Luckily I have an incredible DH who is very supportive of whatever I feel is best - he does admit that he has seen me 'blossom' in confidence whilst NC and that obviously made him happy and proud, however he says he will support me whatever.

I think, reading your post, that I should just go with the flow for now and not actively do anything. I don't want to actively get in contact, but at the same time I do want to keep updated and not cause any further issues throughout the extended family.

So, I'm going to keep myself strong and distant for now. I think that's best for everyone. No visits, for sure.

I'll certainly be using a lot of the tips you've given me so thank you very much :)

Are you sure he has cancer?

I only ask as my own narc egg donor frequently claims to have cancer when she isn't getting her own way. I can count at least five fictitious cancer scares, the first being when I said I was going away to Uni - obviously I didn't go as I couldn't leave poor cancer ridden mother who made a miraculous recovery as soon as I started my course at a crap college near home.

I would stay NC until you are sure that it is true and that there is a need for you to be involved/say any goodbyes you need to say.

That's a good point, actually, although I'm certain it's true as an impartial family member mentioned his biopsy to me a few weeks ago.

Although my mother is a narc, I don't think she'd lie. She's more the type to take something true and exagerate it - so, yep, deffo a good idea to keep NC as she could be exaggerating the prognosis. Thinking about it, she almost sounded gleeful. Hmmm.

Thank you for your advice - I might steal the term 'egg donor' by the way, feels way more appropriate. Also sorry to hear about your own mother