Mother

[financialwizard]

I cannot take this anymore.

I am late 30's. Have 2 children and am married to a lovely man.

Most of my life my Mum has acted like a petulant child. Basically if I don't do what she wants she pouts, sulks, stops talking to me until I capitulate. My Dad just goes along with her to keep her happy.

Anyway until last week I was working in a job working 60 hours or more per week. Feeling really stressed out, not seeing the kids (one of whom is 4), hardly ever seeing my husband when he is home. You get the picture. So I mentioned that I was thinking of quitting (we are fortunate enough to not need the money at the moment) and she pulled her cats bum face and started banging on about the fact that I will struggle to get another job because of my age - late 30's - and that I'd be a fool, blah blah.

I couldn't get time off of work unless I was personally dying (almost literally) so the chance to go for interviews was practically non existent.

So now I am stressing about telling her I have quit, and I don't really have a choice because my Dad is taking my boy out tomorrow.

Why do I feel like this at nearly 40, and please someone tell me I can get a job at my age.

Practice a response.

'Yes, I feel so happy now I've quit. Definitely the right decision for me and my family'.

'I'm not in a hurry to get another job right now'

and in extremis: 'I'm sorry you don't agree with my decision, but it is MY decision. Can we talk about something else now?'

And yes you will get another job. One which suits you better.

Can you ask her how your choices affect her? (That usually stumps my Mum) Also do not mention anything you are 'thinking' about doing until you are have done it. Whatever you do, do not complain to her in future if you are struggling to get back into job market, you will only get an "I told you so!"

Thanks. I need to grow a back bone!

Take a stand. When she starts: nod and smile politely, whilst thinking if some exotic beach. Just zone out.

Failing that you could just stand up to her and say: it would be nice, if just for once you could support my decision instead if going against me all the time.

First of all you will get a job. I quit and got another really good job at 47.

Secondly your DM is making you unhappy. It is unlikely that she will ever change so unless you want to go NC with her, then the only option is for you to work on your own feelings. Your DM still regards you as being a child. How about some therapy to help. There is CBT, mindfulness, and counselling on offer. Or could you regard your DM as a two year old and just let her remarks roll over you? She is not central to your life.
The alternative is to confront her, but I would first recommend reading the thread on MN 'we took you to a stately home' etc, because she is likely to go on the attack.
The fact that you are stressed is perhaps making you more vulnerable than usual. X

I quit a job I had for 16 years aged 47 and now have a much better job that I actually love. It is no coincidence that I got the confidence to go for this other career after I went NC with my own narc mother

You need to moderate what you tell her, which means undoing nearly 40 years of conditioning.

Remind yourself that to her, knowledge/information are weapons/power and she will use then to destroy you. I might be projecting a bit here so apologies if your DM isn't quite this bad!!

Don't tell her you are thinking of changing your job/the carpet/kids schools/your hairdesser. Do not involve her in decisions about holidays/relationships/your life choices.

Just try, next time you speak to her, whether it is face to face or on the phone, to limit your conversation to TV and the weather. Just those subjects. It will send her into a frenzy but at least you won't have to deal with the fallout.

If she says anything nasty about you quitting your job you can either call her on it, by saying I knew you would undermine and criticise my decision, and hope she goes NC with you for a bit, or you can just say it's my decision and I am happy with it, repeat repeat repeat.

Good luck!

I quit my job at 36 and started a brand new career which I am just about to finish studying for. Can't wait to start working! And I am not discarding doing the same thing later on in life.

Be happy and let other negative, interfering people mumble and grumble as much as they like!

hamptoncourt nail on the head. Omg I could cry. Thankfully my husband is supportive. I hate feeling like this. I really should go NC. It would be so much easier.

Oh dear.

Have you had a look at the Stately Homes thread?

If it helps, the first time I told my DM that I was thinking of pursuing this other career, that was an absolute dream for me, she just looked me up and down, sneered, and said "You? You could never do a job like that."

Two years on and I am managing the whole team and my department has just been rated "outstanding."

Fuck You DM!

Do not let her hold you back any longer OP. Oh, and watch she doesn't get her claws into your DC.

She wants me to have this highflying career and I want to be at home more for the kids. My eldest is having trouble settling at school so I really want to be home when he gets in to help him.

My youngest starts school this year, so it would be nice to be in a position to help her out when the time comes too.

My Mum see's it as a failure because I haven't set the world alight.

Just wish she realised that I am not her.

"Mum, in your life, you do what you want. In my life, I'll do what I want."

What humblepie said.

She had her chance at her life. She can try to live through you but it's a poointless exercise

YOU have the right to do what YOU want in consultation with your husband - and I bet your children would really love you being home.

hampton god I bet it feels good when you mention your job to your mother now!

How could your Mum want you to work 60 hrs a week especially when you have children.Im glad im not the only one with a Mum and Dad who constantly criticize.My job is wrong,so is my husbands,we have a cat so she cant visit (my bro does too and a dog but she still goes there).We worked our b***ks off to get our mortgage paid but still no congratulations or ever any babysitting or childcare...she lives in the same town.I got to the point where everything fell on deaf ears as she doesnt live on our budget,never worked so didnt understand child/school run issues and 2 working parents.You do want you want and smile sweetly when she goes off on one,nothing you do will be right by her so dont even try,im glad you have a supportive husband :)

I am totally NC with her meerka but I imagine it gets fed back by other family members To be honest I never would have had the confidence to go for it if I hadn't gone NC.

I imagine OP that whatever you do your DM will criticise you for it so don't even take it into consideration. My DM was/is unbelievably jealous of me and hated any success I had, however small. When my XH was arrested for DV she blamed me for "overreacting" and pointed out that my DSIS husbands never attacked them because they were much nicer than me i.e. I deserved the kicking I got.

Please just try to emotionally detach from her OP, even if you cannot bear to be NC at the moment. Or, next time she goes off on one and ignores you, just leave her be and enjoy the peace.

Completely agree with holeinmyheart that you have to work on your own feelings. You need to learn how to have control to your emotional reaction to her which will be very difficult after years of conditioning to please her.
Enjoy your time at home with your DC, and don't worry about getting another job. It will all work out fine.