Holiday and ill Dad - sorry long post!

[darlingdds2]

Hi,
This is a long background, but I'll try to summerise. My Dad is very ill. He has had an illness for about 30 years and it has got to the point now where they can do no more for him. He has up to 6 months left, although they don't really know, he could go anytime. I live 2 hours away from my parents. I have a partner and 3 children. My one sibling llives 2 hours in a different direction and other one lives 5 miles from my parents.
My Dad has been in hospital a lot over the years and since November more than out. In November my Aunt (Dad's sister who is single) was diagnosed with terminal cancer. My siblings and I have been up and down to help her over the months (particularly sibling who lives 2 hours from parents). My Aunt lives another hour on from my parents. My Aunt ended up in the hospice for about 6 weeks in the end. She was strong in body but didn't want to be. She said she was fed up with being around! She has some very good friends who have been sorting out washing for her etc.

My Dad was out of hospital just in time to see my Aunt before she died. I went home in the evening and she died in the morning. After this my Dad's health just went down even more and he just seemed to give up!
Anyway, its now been 3 months since my Aunt died and my Dad finally out of hospital and is at home. My Mum is looking after him and they have someone come in in the morning to help. this is going to increase as he his needs are getting more complex.
I visit generally once a week when he's home and once a week or sometimes once a fortnight when he's in hospital. Since my Dad last came out of hospital 3 weeks ago, when he had his terminal diagnosis, I have visited once on my own, then twice to visit with one daughter each time. My Mum told me that the doctor said not to let children with colds near my Dad. So as my toddler has had a cold for about 3 weeks (one after the other!) I haven't brought him. He is very lively and tends to want to take my Dad's oxygen pipes out and play with the buttons on the machine! My Mum has started to leave the medicines on the side in the kitchen and I'm sure she would move them if we brought my little one, but she might forget so that worries me slightly too!
Anyway, the main point is that this week I said to my Mum that we were going to go camping in France in a couple of weeks. I haven't booked anything yet in case my Dad gets worse and the sort of cheap municiple places we stay at usually have places to stay and most of the France have gone back to work when we stay!
Anyway, my Mum then said "I think you should just bring DS 1 to visit us anyway. I'm sure it's hayfever, not a cold". I said I didn't want to be responsible for anything happening to my Dad. My Dad said thank you for that! My Mum kept on that it was Hayfever as he couldn't have a cold for 3 weeks! Then she said, 'I don't know why you are wasting money going abroad when you can camp near us and the DD1 and DD2 can come for sleepovers here. You can keep DS1 out of the way easily". The thing is I really don't want to camp near my Mum and Dad for my holiday and I think it will be too much for my Mum if the girls sleep over at my Mum and Dads, even if we are nearby.

Am I being really really mean in really not wanting to stay near my parents and wanting a proper holiday? Also will I regret not being there with my Dad over the holiday? My husband says we can do whatever I want, but it's not a great place for a holiday. I think if you are old and like walking its a great place for a holiday, but it will be boring for my children and me!
What do you think?
Sorry for such a long post!

Go on holiday. There are plenty of reasons to, and the biggest one is that LIFE GOES ON.

We were in France when DM died, as she'd told us no flocks of weeping kids at the bedside. In your case, your Dad's not that far gone by the sound of it.

Another reason is that your DM, although she may not realise it, is going to resent anyone reducing her her one to one time. When DF was in his last week, a well meaning friend kept popping in, annoying DM to the point where there were Words.

Last, inquistive toddler + morphine = Noooo!

Courage.

If I were in your shoes I think I would stay near to them. It's only this once that you won't be able to do want you want but I think your mum is asking you because she sort of needs you if you like.

I'd make it a summer to remember and be close to your dad.

It sounds like your Mum wants to have some lively company to make her feel less worn down by caring for your dad. But I don't see how what she wants is possible. She can't really have children in the house for an extended period of time because of his immune system (and of course it is perfectly possible for a toddler to have a cold for three weeks, my friend's two year old dd has been ill with viruses and fevers and whatnot for what feels like months).

So given there's no reason to suppose your dad is going to get worse whilst you're away (and you've already hedged bets by not booking the holiday yet) I would go for the holiday in France.

Equally given his health could fail at any time, I wouldn't want my dc staying over and possibly distressed if there's a nighttime episode (and/or causing extra stress for your mum if she needs to phone an ambulance and sort out her grandchildren).

Would it be possible to go and stay nearby just for a few days before the end of the hols, so that you can ferry the children in one at a time over several days? That way your mum gets to see them but they don't miss out on a proper holiday.

As well as that, I think your mum's needs need to be looked at for the coming few months. Does she get any respite support at all? Who is looking after her whilst she looks after your dad? Can you make sure she feels connected to the outside world via texts and emails since you're too far to visit regularly?

Thank you for all your comments. Tribpot, my Mum does have some support, but probably not when she needs it. It has to be arranged in advance. When I go up she has a couple of hours off. My one sibling went up the week before last for a couple of days and is going up next week for 2 days to give her a break. The local sibling is not really talking to Mum at the moment as she didn't go to a party sibling and partner had arranged as she wanted to be with Dad. They just visit Dad once a week for about 45 mins, usually sibling not partner. Dad tends to fall a sleep after 45 mins anyway. She has someone who comes in once a week for a couple of hours so she can shop. Mum's health isn't great, so has drs appointments and sometimes my niece will come up to sit with my Dad for that.
She has lots of 'caring' visitors: social worker, hospice nurses (McMillian I think), and district nurses. But they don't really seem to do much but talk from what she says. Occ therapist also to sort out the equipment for the house.
Hospice did say that Dad could have respite care, but now saying that's not possible (I don't know why, the hospice say one thing, the Social worker says something else and the district nurses something different again!)

I phone every morning, text during the day and try (but don't always manage with work and the kids) to text at night. My sibling does the same.
We have decided to cut the holiday to France short and camp near Mum and Dad's for 3 days before we go on holiday to France. But not to let the girls stay with them. As others have said if there is a problem in the night. Mum has had to call out the Ambulence twice in the last 4 months at night, so I agree with others about this.
This is where we are at the moment. It could all change again! Thanks for all your views they have been really useful.