need advice

[mams19]

So I have been with the same guy for 4 1/2 years. We did not start out well; he was unfaithful from the start and twice more before our child came and he finally grew up a bit. He has had a bad habit of consistently neglecting me and my needs. We only have sex 2-4 times a month and we are both only in our mid-twenties. We both work full time, opposite schedules, and he never tries to make time for me on our days off together. The lack of sex has been an issue for our entire relationship and he says it is because of his bad teeth and constant mouth pain. I know that that is true, but I have a very high sex drive where I enjoy sex multiple times a day. I can't put all the blame on him though. I cheated on him when he kept neglecting me and spending his nights out with his cousin.(he knows about it) I still get upset when I think about how badly he treated me when I was pregnant. He accused me of cheating on him and swore the baby was not his; that was way before I had ever even considered doing so.
I would go up to 4 days with less than six hours of sleep due to working graveyards and him refusing to watch my son, from a previous marriage, so I could get a nap. So I guess you could say that we have some unresolved issues between us; or more accurately, I have unresolved issues with him. But to get to the point, I started a new job about 2 years ago. I have always enjoyed harmless flirting with my male coworkers, but I have always felt a connection with my shift manager. He trained me, he flirts with me; slapping my butt, rubbing my back, pretty much any excuse to touch me. At first it was just him messing around and I have a loose sense of humor, where I did not mind at all. But soon he was doing it more often and getting more perverted around me. He makes me laugh and we have this mutual shyness/ awkwardness around each other. It's like a shy first crush, which is weird because he is 12 years older than me and divorced three times. I work with his girlfriend, as well, and I like her very much. She is a very nice person and I respect her; also, they just had a baby and her mother is the store owner, her older sister is a manager, and her brother works there, too. Recently he made a genuine attempt to get in my pants and I told him no. I don't think it would be right because I can't hurt his girlfriend like that. I hate to admit it, but that is pretty much the only reason I didn't sleep with him. He is tall, dark, handsome, funny, and very nice; he is just my type, which makes it harder to resist. I can't break my family by leaving my husband, and I honestly do love him and am very attracted to him. It just does not seem like anything is going to fix my marriage. He wont clean, cook, or pick up after himself, he never makes time for me, and he prefers the t.v. over me, alot. Would it be so bad to have a one time fling with my boss? He doesn't seem like he's asking for more than a one time screw. Am I a bad person for considering it?

Why can't you get divorced?

It sounds like you are set on making yourself (never mind your family, and your boss's poor gf! Jesus) as miserable as possible tbh

Sounds like a mess, with no respect from any of you to any other.
Can you live alone and focus on your child for a bit? Build up your self respect before diving into another dead end relationship? You are worth more than this.

I didn't mean any disrespect to anyone. I guess I just really don't know what to do with myself these days. I do love my husband but I have not been able to get him to give me the attention I need and the sex being non existent; I guess I was just hoping for a sunnier route through the crap storm. Like a pick me up would make it all better. Stupid thought, but I really don't want to leave my husband and my kids are happy. I seem to be the only unhappy one in this situation. I get that it was a bad idea to consider it, but I always come last. I spoil my husband and children rotten, but never get one day where I feel that I am important, too. It was probably just the flattery getting to my head.

What a mess and this possibly affair is just a disaster waiting to happen.
There is a saying which goes 'you reap what you sow'.
Slow down, take a hard look at your life, make changes. Try to resolve some of the enormous problems you already have before you add to the list by having a quick screw with your boss. Do you honestly think you can have a quick shag and there will be no sequences.
If your partner is not the right guy for you then get out, leave him and try and sort your life out somehow.

You are important too.

Far too important to allow yourself to become 'just another screw' for yet another man who shows you no respect.

If you are unhappy, it is likely that your husband and kids know that too. Can you try to talk to your husband and make things better for all of you?

If he can't be an equal partner in the relationship and show you respect and appreciation, you are better off alone.

The big question I have been mulling around is this," Should I tell my husband?" I know that sounds like an easy answer, but it's complicated. My husband works with me, too. My husband and my boss are friends and if he made a big deal about this, the drama would spread like wild fire. This could affect my job, my boss's relationship, and massive drama over my head, because I live in a tiny town. Trust me, I have seen crap like this spread through town in less than a day. I don't want to make things any more difficult than they already are.

Tell him what? That you are considering an affair?

NO.

You should, however, talk to him about your relationship with him. How it can be improved. Whether or not he is prepared to work at it.

Sorry, but you are coming across as a bit of a drama llama.; like you enjoy the excitement of making things difficult for yourself.

I honestly don't know what to do about him contributing. I have bugged him, I have had epic emotional break downs, and I have had heart to heart talks; he has not changed yet.

honestly, you are probably accurate on that one. I don't try to do it, but somehow it always happens. I appreciate the harsh and nice advice. I really needed a fresh perspective. I tend to be a bit introverted and it gets hard to see things outside the box. Thanks all.

Sweetheart, you are being sexually harassed at work. Your manager should not be putting his hands on you or your private parts. He is exploiting his position.

If you are unhappy in your marriage, you can either choose to stay and work on it, or leave and find a suitable mate.

I wishing you good luck in your decisions..and sincerely hope you will give your slime ball manager short shrift.

This situation is completely twisted. You stand to lose your job, your friends, your husband and the respect of a lot of people. Why are you playing these games?

What an absolute car crash of a situation.
This is very very wrong.
If you can't see that, you NEED help. Please find a good counsellor.
Whatever has happened in your life leading up to this point has had a very negative impact.
You accept a man who cheats on you, find it acceptable to be a cheat yourself, and fancy a creep who paws you at work.
And there's an ex in there somewhere who from your post doesn't sound involved either, so sounds like a story to tell there too.
It will take a lot of Counselling work to unpick all that.

But in the mean time, for heaven's sake put your sensible head on and realize that being used by your boss where his family and GIRLFRIEND all work with you is a STUPID thing to do. Good luck when you've got no job and feel shit after being bullied out. Don't do that to yourself, or your children.

And I'm going to take a punt and say that this high sex drive of yours is a result of of seeing your worth as a sex object. You feel better about yourself, desired, attractive, loved, liked when someone wants to have sex with you.
There's nothing wrong with liking sex. But the way you are letting this toad of a manager grope you sounds like something in your life so far has seriously screwed up your boundaries and your motivations for sex.

It sounds like your marriage is in severe difficulties, but you would be a fool to get involved with this co-worker. If he is trying to get you into bed while his partner is nursing a new baby, what on earth makes you think he is going to be any different with you? That's leaving aside the political nightmare that it will cause if you get involved with him while you work with him, leading to a potential loss of your job etc. Don't go there. So not worth it.

As Cabrinha said it is disturbing that you think either of these no-mark men is worthy of you. My strong advice to you would be to get some counselling and also take some time on your own to figure out who you are and what you actually want without these parasites men.

I do wonder what everyone else must be thinking of you at work, but especially this poor girlfriend.

You seem to be describing relationships and then completely mis-labelling them.

For example, the relationship between you and your boss. You label him as incredibly attractive to you, somebody you love and that you have considered leaving your husband for. We see a man sexually harassing you at work who, at best, would use you for one or two sex acts and then fire you.

You label his girlfriend as someone as your friend, somebody you think is nice and that you respect. Yet we would see somebody you are constantly disrespecting and not being a friend to at all.

You need to see a professional and talk through and try and fix whatever has made you think this is the life you deserve.

You are as others have said being sexually harassed at work.

Why would you dream of sleeping with this person who is your boss while his OH with a recent baby is your friend?

What sort of person does that to a friend for sex? Not a very nice one or one who is so damaged they cannot see where the boundaries are.

Who do you think will be jobless when it all kicks off?

Your OH will also end up jobless when he gets dragged into it.

Your relationship is a mess. Multiple cheating, neglect and a lazy selfish partner. Your child would grow up seeing how a relationship should be watching you and your OH. Do you want them living the same way?

In short. Yes it would be a fucking disaster to screw this man.

Get help. Sort your head out.

(Sorry, yet another question). If your husband works in the same place, what does he think of your boss' attitude towards you?

Its amazing how accurate some you guys really are. I have been talking with my husband and we are going to attend counseling together. Thank you all very much for the very down to earth advice, I really needed it. I was not thinking clearly. To be honest, I dont really have many friends to confide in, so I often over think and stress over everything on my own; I often lose sight of myself.

to vivacia:
My husband doesn't really talk about it. he says he doesn't mind. To be honest, it is one of those work environments where everybody has a dirty mind. We tell jokes, laugh, have fun. I don't really see it as sexual harassment because the guys mess with each other the same way. Its all fun and games and nobody does it if they are told by the person to stop. I kinda saw myself as one of the guys for a long time. This whole mess developed over two years and I never thought my boss would go there; or that I would ever consider it. I did tell him no when he tried and so far we have gone back to friends. I think it is going to be ok.