Obsessive need to help? Crush?

[PollyCazaletWannabe]

I have posted previously about my confused feelings for a colleague and friend who has recently split up with her husband. She is straight, I'm bisexual but have a long term female DP.

I originally thought I had a crush on this colleague but we were messaging tonight because she has had a hard day and is feeling low shout her breakup. It occurredto me that I am just desperate to help her feel better. I was tired bit deliberately stayed on WhatsApp so that she could chat to me. I have plans tomorrow with DP but considered cancelling them to spend time with my friend. I worried about whether she would sleep and considered sending her a card (we are on holiday at the moment so not seeing each other at work),

What is this? A crush? Obsession? Sometimes I think my feelings are maternal- I always want up look after people but this is ridiculous! What, if anything, should I do?

Assuming you are in a committed, happy relationship, you should step away.

Why are you so desperate to make her feel better?

What is going wrong in your own long-term relationship? How would you feel if your DP was messaging someone from work and considering cancelling plans with you in order to spend time with someone else.

That is pretty shitty behaviour. I wouldn't like to be treated like that. Would you?

Cannot for the life of me think of why you would send a colleague a card just because they have had a relationship break-up. It's a bit odd.

What should you do? Sort out your own relationship before you offer a shoulder to cry on for someone else who should not be more important to you than your partner. Are you unconsciously (deliberately) going for someone you know you cannot have? I can't see how it would work if she is straight and not interested in you anyway, despite the fact you aren't single.

Not very happy, no. Do you think my feelings are romantic/sexual then? I can't seem to work it out. It's more of a need to make her feel better than anything :(

I don't know why. It is odd, isn't it :(

You just sound so "other focused" when you should just focus on yourself. You have your own life to lead.

This sounds like an obsession - more than a crush, more than an infatuation. But it doesn't really matter how you characterize it, you need to distance yourself because it's not healthy for you.

You're right. I would hate for my friend to realise how I feel as well.

Sorry to revive this but I actually feel mad :( I am obsessively checking WhatsApp to see if my friend has been on there. What's worse is that there is another woman at work who really doesn't like me (she actually doesn't, not my paranoia) and she and my friend are friends, so I have started obsessing over whether they are talking to each other.

AAARGH! I need to detach but I can't. Anyone got strategies for me to stop obsessing? This is ridiculous.

Anyone? My DP is upstairs and I am down here obsessing over this woman. How do I shift my focus? How can I change my thought patterns?

Strategy for stopping the obsessing, suggestions to 'take or leave'

Think about what you stand to lose with your committed relationship and how your life will be without your DP who knows nothing of these feelings and think you still care about her (I assume?)

Think about the woman at work, give her back her empowerment, it isn't down to you to help or rescue her, she is able to ask for help she is an adult, you aren't responsible for her happiness.

Maybe think what might happen if you start a dependency within her that you are unable to fulfil, i.e. Dont start something so in-depth that you are likely to have to walk away from.

You may notice a theme running through the above... It is to think about the impact of your actions on other people, so you can think realistically about the real world situations.

Unfortunately all this social media stuff can do weird stuff, it connects people when there are times they wouldn't be connected otherwise. Dangerous stuff!

I hope this sounds constructive and helps you start to work through your strong feelings - maybe channel them towards your DP?

Thanks daisy for taking the time to reply. I think part of the problem is that I'm fairly sure that I can't stay with DP :( we have been together nearly ten years but there has been a lot of emotional and unfortunately some physical abuse (although no physical stuff for years now) and I don't think she really makes me happy. However, notwithstanding this, I recognise objectively that the other woman and I could never be together and I don't think that's what I want- it's more that she has become a focus for feelings I can no longer have for DP.

Sorry to hear your partnership isnt what it should be, that makes a lot of sense that you are focussing on caring for someone else.

I think you may find you get yourself into a better place if you can do things one step at a time, ie resolve your current relationship, even if that means parting with her, then your mind will be much less encumbered with the emotional mix you are feeling at the moment.

You sound very wise, daisy. Are you a counsellor or similar?

Hi polly no I'm not a counsellor. I am pleased my thoughts might be on the right track and help you to sort things out. It isn't easy to see a clear path when you have some strong emotions swirling round.