is this normal-now we've decided to separate, I keep remembering all the nice bits

[inneedofsomeclarity]

So I posted yesterday about my failing relationship, asking for some clarity. Things have moved rapidly and we have decided to split up, told our parents, talked (properly for the first time in years) about children, finances etc. I haven't stopped crying and now keep thinking about the kind things he does for me that I'll never have again. Is it normal to start doubting your decision so much. I still think it's right-i have no feelings left and can't ever imagine wanting to be intimate in any way, even a cuddle and I think there has to be more. But I can't stop thinking about all the good things and this is overshadowing all the crap:the constant lies, emotional coldness, me having to make all the decisions etc. But that should be more important than looking forward to watching great British bake-off, surely?

This is totally normal. I believe that we develop a strong attachment to our partners regardless of whether they're nasty or nice. That's why breaking up is hard to do. But you know in your heart it's the right way to go. And y'know it's ok to have some fond memories within a bad relationship.

No more looking back though, just forward, on you go girl

Thank you, it's all very new but I keep thinking stupid things like 'who will come to the tent shop to drool over new tents' and all the shared history of daft things. What if I've made a mistake? How do we know it's the right decision?

I'm going through exactly the same thing. My partner and I decided to split up two nights ago after being together for 5 years. I feel so sad. I keep thinking about the good times but they were few and far between the humdrum and the bad. I'm scared of being lonely, of finding a new place to live, of being able to afford it etc. I keep asking myself why didn't we try harder. Then I remember he's emotionally inept and can't be relied upon for almost anything. Why do I feel such sadness!? I haven't cried though. I'm scared once I start I won't stop.

It's unbelievably sad and confusing. Although we have nearly split up so many times, I've always kept trying. I'm terrified of making the wrong decision because he did lots of good things but I am always waiting for the next stress (usually financial which I sort out). But in a lot of ways I feel so hopeful about the future. But then I think about our life and routine and it's safe and mundane. Am so so confused.

Absolutely normal
I made a list of all the reasons I'd left. During the tough times when I thought it would be easier to go back, I read it

It's normal OP. I was with my DP for 11 years and we separated last year. We are really good friends now. This is mainly due to the fact we do not live together. We still have family days out and meet up occasionally. Maybe this is something you can consider.

You're making a big decision that involves change for several people and you're bound to have doubts. But you've been this way before, erred on the side of caution, and paid the price time and again with stress and more stress. Now that you've said it's over I expect the tension has gone & there's a certain relief in the air.

Dont know the back story but there must be things you love about this man otherwise you wouldn't have been together. Doesn't mean this decision is wrong.

Thank you all so much. Your words are really helping. Funnily enough, this morning I wrote a list to help me to focus on the rubbish bits! I'm hoping we can stay friends and still do family stuff together eventually but am also realistic than it isn't always that simple. But friends is all we are these days or housemates. We will have to stay in the same house til he sorts out a flat-share. We will be ok because we live in a house my parents own. The other problem is that we are due to go on holiday in a week which we were all really looking forward to and we've said we will still go on-that will be weird.

It's totally normal. I think it's a survival mechanism deep within us humans. To get through shit times we remember the good things and we blank out the pain.

Write down all of your reasons for breaking up and remind yourself of them when you get all nostalgic. The good times can be remembered fondly later on when you're out of this danger-zone.

Yes this is very normal.

I am about 2 months in after the initial huge row and conversation. I feel on the brink of tears 80% of the time and still have overwhelming feelings of sadness, panic and loss. My still H has been amazingly nice and kind (i know in a bid to make me stay) and so I have felt enormously conflicted. He is not all bad, we have not been incredibly angry with one another so it has been so difficult to keep the reasons why this does not work in my mind. But I know it doesn't, I know this is the right thing and I do hope we don't loose each other completely but also realistically know that once he does see how serious I am he may allow himself to get very angry with me. So hard. Much love and continuous strength OP xxx

Thanks mumontherun, that's very similar to me. It gets weirder though because, having had a really tough day, teary, painful etc, we sat down as a family and got on as we normally do. But I think that is because all we have these days and for a long time is friendship, which I really hope we can keep, especially for the sake of the dds. We have deciddd to try to focus on co-parenting as friends and putting our energy into that but it is very strange. One of the things I'm finding toughest is that I always had to take control because he just has no clue about reality and for the sake of the dds and my own self preservation, I have to prevent many cock-ups but niw I need to let hom do it for himself, look for somewhere to stay etc and it is hsrd not to take over. Can't wait for him not to be my problem though. Hand holding for you, xx