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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Your help please, lovely women

27 replies

Northerngirlmadegood · 02/08/2014 17:40

I feel exhausted, lonely and hopeless and I cannot see a future for myself at all. I see the great advice and support that you lovely women give (actually I've given it too) and I hope that you can get me to pull myself out of the dumps I've put myself into. I'm 62, living in Europe. Two years ago my husband left me for someone else. He left a badly, half-renovated house that is now in a terrible state and the estate agent says it is probably unsalable for any decent price. Since my husband didn't have a job, I paid everything: the mortgage, bills etc. I can't afford to buy out my husband and renovate the house. His girlfriend says she can buy me out but they do not offer a fair price and my husband also refuses to pay for anything. He asks for half of the 10,000 quid my parents left me (they both died just before he left), as well as a large share of my pension. He's entitled to it too, even though he refused to get a job himself. This goes on and on and I don't see an end to it. So at 62 I cannot get a mortgage, even though I have a good job and work hard, rented houses are very expensive and I see myself somewhere horrible and depressing. I would love to fall in love again. I'm not bad looking but I'm 62, don't speak the language much here, and there are few decent men around of my age. If they're decent they want a woman half their age. I have no sisters or brothers. I have few friends nearby.I feel so lonely, old and depressed. Your advice please! Although I would not commit suicide I don't really know how or why to carry on.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 02/08/2014 17:45

Have you had legal advice about the finances?

caramelwaffle · 02/08/2014 17:49

Sorry to hear you are going through this.

Who told you he could have the monies he has mentioned? Was it him? You need to seek legal advice that is relevant to your situation (Uk law if applicable, and the law of your country of residence)

caramelwaffle · 02/08/2014 17:55

Xpost with Vivacia

CommonBurdock · 02/08/2014 18:05

Obviously goes without saying you need legal advice ASAP. Apart from that, what do you actually want to do OP? Stay there, move back to the UK, move to a different area, try to do up the house some way? Would it be a potential b&b type guest house situation? Is it completely paid for?

Matildathecat · 02/08/2014 18:08

Yes to good legal advice. Then I think you do whatever it takes to leave him behind, out of your life because at the moment he is casting a huge shadow over your life. Until you do this you can't even begin to move on and create a new life. 62 is still young enough to have a whole new life ahead of you.

Best wishes. He sounds like a true twunt and you will do so much better with him cut out of your life.

Northerngirlmadegood · 02/08/2014 18:17

Thank you so much for being there - and so quickly! I have good legal advice and he's doing his best but my husband wants to leave me with as little as possible. Hopefully the next couple of months will set me free to do the best I can with what I have. Thank you Matilda, I love it that you say 62 is young enough for a whole new life. I so hope that's true. I've been strong until now but feel at the end of my tether. Maybe I should find a new tether?!

OP posts:
Northerngirlmadegood · 02/08/2014 18:18

I'm so grateful for your kind words.

OP posts:
OneDreamOnly · 02/08/2014 18:19

Check with a solicitor what are the rules on the country you are living in re divorce. What you are saying us true in the uk but wouldn't be in France for example (pension us yours only as well as inheritance).

Do you want to stay in that country or to you want to go back to the UK? Not speaking the language well makes things much harder.

TeaMakesItAllPossible · 02/08/2014 18:26

Ahhhh only just scraping my definition of middle aged there Wink You have many years ahead of you.

As the legal situation is underway and will be over in a couple of months. I think it boils down to what you want to do - of an evening, at the weekend, for holidays and what ambitions you have. These are the things to focus on. If you're doing things you're passionate about then you meet like minded people. New friends, people to have sex with, people to love. But start with yourself my friend.

Vivacia · 02/08/2014 18:27

OP I was really struck by how strong and positive your post was considering the challenging times you find yourself in. I can't help but feel where ever you decide to build your life next, you'll be successful and happy.

Northerngirlmadegood · 02/08/2014 18:29

If it goes to court he's entitled to pension and inheritance unfortunately. My job and son are here and I must work until I retire. I'd love a kind, clever, English gentleman but how to find one who wants a woman who lives in another country?

OP posts:
Four125 · 02/08/2014 18:29

62? You really do have time to make a wonderful new life for yourself - what/where do you want it to be?

Of course your STBXH wants to leave you with as little as possible, he is a shit and that is what people like that do.

Have Thanks op and hang in there, it will be over soon.

NoImSpartacus · 02/08/2014 18:33

Can you not consider moving back to the UK? I think not speaking the language is going to hinder you further.

Good luck, you sound lovely and v together despite what has been thrown at you.

toyoungtodie · 02/08/2014 18:34

First of all let me give you hug because you need it. The only advice that I can offer, as I don't know whether you want to come back to the UK and this response may well overlap, is, what about a lodger? It would need to be a lodger , than in return for a roof over their head ( plus some rent) works on your house. Before I get slated for suggesting more potential trouble for you, may I say that I advertised a one bed flat recently and most of the people who responded were older men who had lost their Marital Home through divorce. Some of them were decent and nice.
You can advertise in the UK on Northern Gumtree.com. Even if no one turned up you that could come, you could have a dialogue with them which might help to combat your loneliness. Sorry that I can't be more helpful..hugs and xxx

CookieDoughKid · 02/08/2014 18:37

62 is still young enough to meet someone and settle down later! Nothing wrong with internet dating but will be worth being very selective on that and I'm sure there are dedicated agencies you could sign up for when you are ready.

Focus on yourself and treat yourself, be kind to yourself.

The legal stuff will resolve itself in time.

Be positive. You have your son. You have a great life ahead, you just can't see it yet!!

CookieDoughKid · 02/08/2014 18:38

And if internet dating is not for you, get out there, join clubs, do something rather than stay in feeling sorry for yourself because you'll be too busy and you'll forget the misery!!

Northerngirlmadegood · 02/08/2014 18:42

I'm completely moved by your kindness, friendly words and good advice. Thank you so much. You have given me some things to think about and it's so wonderful to have this support. I wish you were all around the corner!

OP posts:
Everybodyleaves · 02/08/2014 19:02

In Scotland, an inheritance is NOT a marital asset, and therefore doesn't need to be shared between the two spouses. Please check out the legalalities of yours x

springydaffs · 02/08/2014 19:08

Gosh, you've been hit with an awful lot at once, no wonder you're struggling a bit. One of life's troughs (hug)

To that end, and to give you the stamina to get through this glum time, keep your eye on your health: eat well, all the right stuff - it's so tempting to stuff the face with feelgood stuff, but the impact on mood is astonishing; sleep well - go to bed at a sensible time - if you're struggling to sleep, get that addressed, GP or naturally; EXERCISE!

PC playing up, I'll be back! Xx

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 02/08/2014 19:16

What would I do? Let his mistress buy the property from you. Once the funds have cleared I'd leave with my suit-cases and head for the UK for a new start. (Very possibly ensuring it's in a much worse state than it is now. Nice housewarming present fro them). If he doesn't know where you are he can hardly divorce you and snatch half of your hard-earned pension. Make it as hard for him as you like.

Cruel, bloodsucking unfaithful, unscrupulous bastard!

antimatter · 02/08/2014 19:22

Do you have to stay where you are to carry on with your job?

It would be easier to advise if we knew which country you are in. So he isn't giving any money for his son and demands inheritance and everything else he can think of.

What if you don't divorce him?
What right has he got then?
Can he force you to give him nay money if he himself moved out and forces you to act?
Very cruel, my heart goes out to you!

Perhaps negotiate for him to take this house and nothing of your pension, but only after you decide to move.

Northerngirlmadegood · 02/08/2014 19:49

If I don't divorce him he continues to have a right to share everything I have / earn etc. You women are right. Get rid of him in the best way I can and move on. Thank you so much. I will consider all that you have said for a long time. Thank you for the advice, kindness and wisdom. You've made me reconsider coming back to England if I can. Thank you all so much. You've lightened the load so much. X

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 02/08/2014 19:51

Can your son help you with money to invest in the house to get it to a reasonable state to sell?

Not speaking the language where you are majorly reduces your relationship options, I can't pretend it doesn't. I wonder if it comes down to a choice between staying there near your son and coming back to the UK and finding a new relationship. I've no doubt you could find a new relationship here, but it would tricky there. The number of single male expats your age must be fairly small.

Alternatively you could take classes to learn the language - it shouldn't take more than about a year to learn to speak it well.

Twinklestein · 02/08/2014 19:54

Xpost with the OP. I agree that getting rid of him is optimum but I wonder if there we any options regarding the house other than selling to his gf for a steal? A loan from your son, bank loan etc with a view to selling the house asap.

Northerngirlmadegood · 02/08/2014 20:07

Thank you all so much X

OP posts:
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