Friend is a shopping addict- what do I do?

[FiftyShadesOfGreen4205]

As some background, she has history for enormous unsecured debt (20k+) and has been bailed out by parents (which I think hasn't helped her face up to her problem). She confessed to me yesterday that she's been shopping again. Mostly online. She's hiding purchases from her husband but he knows she overspends and has been trying to reign it in. She has one DS who turned two recently and I reckon the birthday party alone cost four figures, which is fine if you've got it, but they haven't.

As an example, I went into boots for some nappies and she came with me and bought a leather nappy bag(!?). She's got one already...

What do I do? I'm worried about her. She's clearly got deeper problems and the spending is a symptom. I feel as a friend I should help her. My God they could lose everything. Should I speak to her husband or is that a huge betrayal of trust?

I opened this post really hoping this thread wasn't about me and it isn't thank God...

It could be about me too. If the problem is as bad as you say it is, OP, then maybe sit her down and tell her that she (they) stand to lose it all and that she should speak to her husband about it. You'll support her to do that. Use the leather nappy bag as an example of something that she doesn't need but bought anyway...

The leather nappy bag happened after we'd talked about her spending for over an hour. When I told her that stuff wouldn't make her happy and her credit card bill anxiety (that she makes a joke of) doesn't have to happen.
I've been in debt and it fucking sucks.

batman :D

If her parents keep bailing her out at least she doesn't have a debt problem. She's obviously a compulsive spender and deceitful towards her DH but that's really something they have to sort out between them. You'd think, given her history, that they'd have some kind of open book arrangements for bank accounts and credit card statements, for example.

The one thing you can usefully do is refuse to be complicit in any secrecy. That's when it crosses the line. If her DH asks you a straight question, therefore, give him an honest answer.

Tell her husband - It's no different to say her husband having a gambling problem.

She'll drag him/the family down financially too if it's not checked early.

What do you do? Never, ever go shopping with her!

What would I do? Stay right out of it. Her compulsion is not your problem to fix. Leave her to it and refuse to ever listen to her about it again unless she asks you how she should seek help for her sickness. Tell her why it's tiresome to have to listen to the same shit over and over again when someone has absolutely no intention of changing their behaviour.

You can keep completely out of it.

Her family clearly all know about it. It's nothing to do with you and there is nothing you can do except for be a friend to her.

If you try to do anything, she may well just cut you out altogether.

Thanks for the advice. I'm clueless on how to handle it. It would be none of my business but she chose to confide in me and I am also friends with her DH. She said her parents wouldn't help her again but she won't get into that much trouble again. I don't really believe that.

Perhaps I need to step back and not take on other people's problems.

Is she depressed? We're supposed to be saving at the moment but I find when I'm having bad says I tend to buy online. I'm returning two dresses on Monday actually. I tend to overspend when I'm feeling low.

As a bit of a late update, I had friend over for lunch on Friday and she told me a lot. Her DH had an OW. Kinda explains his ridiculously long hours and weekend work. OW is a high flyer in his company. She said she's never met her but found her on FB and this tore her heart in two. I'm shocked. I considered her DH a friend and never ever thought he was the 'type'. Whatever the type is.

Anyway, they're working through it. But that's why she was spending. (And probably still is). It's really sad and I will just be a friend at the moment rather than hold her cards to ransom.