How to live with guilt

[Thisissomething]

Not sure why I am posting but it may help just to write it down. Can't stop crying and very emotional since finding out that my father has gone missing. It's a long complicated story but I have not had contact with him since I was seven years old. I am now nearly fifty.It stopped when I selfishly told him I did not want to see him again ( I preferred playing with my friends to my shame). My brother wanted to carry on seeing him but went along with me.

I had no contact since but over the last few years started feeling more and more guilty about this. I searched recently on the internet but found nothing and of course put it out of my mind again and did nothing.

I never really wanted any contact with him in the past because I was not sure I could cope with it. I lived mainly on my own with my children and was not sure about opening that can or worms so I buried my head in the sand.
Also my mum was very against it and I had lots of very disturbing information about him from my mum which I am sure was true.

Then my brother tells me that he has had some contact for the last year or so but did not tell me because I thought I did not want any. This has upset me but I have now discussed this with him and he is sorry and thought he was protecting me.

Now he is missing and it does not look good and I can't stop crying and feeling guilty that I did not have contact. I realise I am being selfish and only feel sad and sorry because of my guilt and don't deserve any sympathy.

Sorry this is a bit of a jumbled but anyone experienced this and managed to get over this and hopefully I am not on my own.

Right you need to stop the guilt. You were 7. A child. Of course playing with friends was more interesting.

Your F was a grown man. Why did he not see you the next week or the week after etc.

Where the hell did he go and not try and get in contact for the last 43 years?

Seems like he took the easy route and bailed on being a parent the instant he got a chance.

You were 7!
If he'd wanted to see you, he could have made the effort to come around when you weren't seeing your friends ... or called sometime in the next forty years, perhaps?
Don't feel guilty. Just acknowledge he didn't feature in your life, and now he's missing it might be he never does, and both those are bound to be upsetting. Allow yourself to be upset from time to time, then get on with life.

Sorry you're so upset.

It might help you to rationalise a few things because guilt is a function of responsibility. As a 7yo girl it was unfair of whomever pushed you to decide yes/no about your father to place that responsibility on you. If your mother gave you reasons not to get in touch presumably she was happy with the decision. So that's her responsibility. Your brother made decisions on your behalf more recently - possibly with the best intentions but he should have shown you enough respect to be honest. Finally, your father himself. He didn't have to take the word of a 7yo on face value and he could have tried to get in touch in the intervening 40+ years.

Then again, if you believe that the disturbing information you've been given is true, you have actually been protected all this time.

I've been there when I was 13, I told him to leave and never see me again. He did and I blamed myself for years.

When I had ds1 was the first time I stopped blaming myself. Children are not to blame for crappy parents.

Thanks everyone it helps not to be vilified for what I did.
Magori and humble pie, I told him I did not want to see him again, not just this particular Saturday.

I don't want to make excuses for him but I knew he did want to see me but I always avoided it.

Cogito, I have no reason to disbelieve what my mum told me about him and she was happy when we no longer had contact, however as a now, as a mum i don't think she should ever have told me what she told me, I certainly never would if it were me. They were horrible things but myself or my brother we never in any danger or harm. You are right though and I am allowing myself to be upset about what I did and hopefully rationalise it shortly and put it behind me.
Thanks

Your mum would have been in a difficult position. I don't know what the horrible things were but presumably they were a big part of why they weren't together any more. It's always a judgement call how much of the truth to reveal and maybe she over-did it. But if she'd covered it all up and let you think your Dad was a flawless character, would that have been any better?

I don't think there was any danger of her ever covering it up and us believing he was flawless, we were never in any danger of that. We knew she hated him and wanted nothing to do with him and of may of his bad characteristics. With hindsight that would have been normal. I think am upset and angry because I feel quite alone in this. My brother has some element of closure and is much less quilty than me since he had some contact and my mum hates him and would not understand how I feel about this.

So maybe tackle the immediate problem if the historic stuff is too thorny. When you say 'gone missing' what attempts have the family made to find him? If your brother had contact, for example, does he have an address or phone number? Hospitals? Salvation Army?

Lots being done. Police involved, and his family are looking for him. He is elderly though and confused and it has been two weeks. All I can do for now is to ask to kept up to date and if he is found safe to be ready to see him.

It has been a lesson for me though. I am great at putting things out of my mind and not dealing with them, and this has taught me the worse case consequences of this. On a more positive note I did manage to tackle my brother about this, normally I would have been upset and let it go. We were able to discuss how each of us felt about this and that has been good for us.