Divorce after 25 years together

[Crow1]

Hello

I am after advice having reached the end of trying to be reasonable with my husband.

I walked out of my marriage in February and am currently renting a property which I have until next February. I was with my husband for 25 years but only married for the last 8. We have 3 boys but only one under 16. The house is solely in his name and all our savings - he controlled that aspect of our life and never treated me as an equal. I have the eldest (with SN) and the youngest living with me - 17 year old stayed with his Dad.

I wanted to reach a quick settlement without going to Court do I can get on with my life - trouble is that he keeps delaying and we are not getting anywhere. He needs to get a mortgage to buy me out but is having trouble doing so cause of his age. My 17 year old says if I force him to sell then he will side totally with his dad.

Money id getting tighter and tighter and I need an outcome. I work part time so don't think I am eligible for legal aid. My solicitor seems happy to adopt this gentle approach but I feel nothing but frustration and that my soon to be ex is still manipulating me.

It sounds as though you possibly need a different solicitor. Even if the remortgaging/house-sale takes time, you should be able to have access to the savings and agree maintenance for your DSs. I suppose this is why solicitors usually advise staying in the family property. Are you claiming all the state benefits you are entitled to? I'm sorry your 17yo has taken sides. Does he not accept that his father has done anything wrong?

Thanks - I was wondering about changing solicitors but thought that might just incur more costs. I hadn't though about access to savings - how would I pursue that? 17yo accepts that marriage wasn't good from my point but with his dads help has decided that I should have just put up with it for the sake of the family and for financial reasons. Ex is all about the money - wouldn't spend a penny so we had substantial savings but poor lifestyle!

Thanks - I was wondering about changing solicitors but thought that might just incur more costs. I hadn't though about access to savings - how would I pursue that? 17yo accepts that marriage wasn't good from my point but with his dads help has decided that I should have just put up with it for the sake of the family and for financial reasons. Ex is all about the money - wouldn't spend a penny so we had substantial savings but poor lifestyle!

Ps - am doing ok with benefits cause nothing is in my name I can claim housing benefit and child tax credit

You need the solicitor to progress the divorce on the one hand and you should be pursuing your exH through mediation for money on the other. Changing solicitors might incur more costs or the threat of changing might put a rocket up the arse of the original one :) Everything acquired since the marriage is deemed a 'marital asset' and that will include savings and also pensions, even if they are in his sole name. You may be able to offset one against the other e.g. accept a lower share of the property for a bigger share of the cash deposits, but it's all in the pot.

17yos tend to see things a) egocentrically and b) simplistically. Won't be helped by him living with upset Dad but not much you can usefully do there. Don't let his disapproval hold you back.

A solicitor is the thing you need.

However, in order to access the marital assets, if he is being difficult, will require one of you to file for divorce, and then apply to the court for an Interim Payments Hearing, or arrange for mediation pending a final order. This will involve both of you completing a Form E, which declares your outgoings and assets, and then agreeing 'needs'. Anything in excess of that, is then negotiated to support your lifestyles.

These things can be done by the layman, and often has to, because unless there was domestic violence, there is no legal aid. A handy book is 'Family Law' by Gordon and Slater, but also have a look at Terry's divorce forum (google it).

If you are able to, sit down with your husband and agree who will divorce whom for unreasonable behaviour (it doesn't matter who does - and almost anything can be reworded to satisfy the court that you can no longer live with it). Don't bother arguing of who has more 'right' to do this, because it only affects who pays the costs (the petitioner) - but I think we are talking about 400 pounds for this.

Once it is filed, you can proceed with separating the assets. It is unlikely he will be forced to sell the marital home whilst there is a minor there.

The length of your entire relationship is the important thing, not the length of your marriage as far as it has been explained to me.