Suicide terrible circumstances - is there more I could have done?

[paula5246]

A man I knew in my 20s (20 years ago) has killed himself after having been accused of child sex offences. I suppose we have no way of knowing if he was guilty as the case didnt come to court, but the sheer volume of accusations lends weight to the idea that he was very guilty indeed. The case has made the papers but i don't want to say too much about that side of things.
I knew him via a youth club we both volunteered at so obviously I have the concern that our young people there were put at risk, although all the allegations were much more recent than that so hopefully he was not offending at that time.
I am really concerned though that I was not very nice to him and not just me, no one was nice to him. He had all the attributes of a cool person, intelligent, nice looking, car, cool job, but he was extremely odd - as a young person I percieved him as very creepy, though he never did anything wrong. He used to ask me out but the idea repulsed me and I dont think I made any great effort to hide that. His case reminds me a bit of the Elliot Rodger case in the US.
The mans life was pretty rubbish looking back, but I don't know if we despised him because maybe subconsciously we were suspicious of him, or if maybe it is more the case that the more he was ostracised for being a loser, the more damaged he became, ending up doing these terrible things. Obviously there are loads of other things at play here, but I'm feeling very sad about how he was treated by my friendship group, what became of him and about all those children. How does someone become a child abuser?
Not expecting any real answers, just thinking aloud I guess...

Batman everything you said is spot on.

I'm not sure peadophiles are sexually attracted to children per se, at least not all of them. I think it's a power thing, they know that children cannot rebuff their advances in the same way as an adult. I also believe that many child abusers have been abused themselves as children and have been conditioned to think it's acceptable.

OP some people just don't fit in unfortunately, it doesn't make them sex offenders. I'm not in the slightest bit convinced if you had liked him, even dated him, it would have prevented what went on to happen.

And to answer the 'how do people become child abuser?' question. I listened to a radio interview by a very brave young man who has known since early adolescence (11 or 13) that his attraction is for primary school age children. He was late teens/early 20s.

He asked his mother to refer him to counselling, but without telling her why - the counsellor did that after refusing to deal with him. He's had to start his own support network for people who know that they have the tendencies but haven't offended and don't wish to. There is no cure so they need to shut away the whole of their sexual identity. I actually have a great deal of sympathy for him but also hope to high heaven that he never lapses.

I can link it, but it has very upsetting content including the young man's description of child porn use and his eventual horror at child porn. I know how some people can't resist a link so if you want the link please pm.

Sebsmummy- please don't proliferate the idea that abused=abuser. That is a common myth that is not true. A proportion of all adults will abuse, and yes some of those will have been abused. It is not true however that abuse victims automatically abuse others.

Elfy- please could you PM me the link? Thank you

Macca I am not suggesting if you are abused you automatically become an abuser. I am saying that some of these demonised sex abusers have been abused themselves - not all by any means. It troubles me that an abused child is considered a victim but if that abused child goes on to abuse they are considered scum of the earth. The system fails somewhere inbetween.

i think gut instinct is powerful. go with your instincts. if you feel that somebody is odd, you are probably right. and op it sounds like you were right.

i have worked with some child sex offenders, there are many myths that simply are not true, and much hysteria around the subject.
ive also worked with a psychologist from rape crisis who specialises in sexual offences and counselling.

its very complex.

for those who do not wish to offend there are various chemical castrations.
the problem is that for many who do offend they do not view their behaviour as abnormal or wrong - they have to overcome several inhibitions and stages to become an offender.

and i still think that speculating on the guilt of someone who is not alive to defend themselves is poor.
the bloke may have killed himself knowing that he would be forever tainted with the label whether it was true or not.

ive reported the thread simply because there are so many identifying features in the Op that his family could recognise - or journalists.

I used to know a probation officer who worked with sex offenders. There was a case in the media which got us talking about child sex abuse. She said a small minority child abusers do have a genuine sexual attraction to children, akin to the discussion above about sexuality, but the majority are using sexual violence and exploitation as a means of control and dominance over their victims and this is what motivates them, not sexual gratification.

I don't think it's practical or reasonable to go through life being nice to men who creep you out on the basis that if you don't they will abuse children or go on a murderous rampage. Elliot Rodgers didn't kill those people because women weren't nice to him. He killed them because he was an entitled, misogynous creep who couldn't understand that women had a right to not have sex with him even though he was a 'nice guy'.

By all means don't hound people into the ground but creeps are not entitled to your time.

OP, I think you're just shaken by the allegations and the suicide. There's no obligation to go out with everyone who asks, or to provide a life for people who can't make one of their own. Just accept you've noticed, and move on.

SoleSource, take deep breaths and ignore posts saying your outlook is creepy. I worked in a school where many pupils had physical disabilities, and needed help toileting, or with catheters etc, whilst at school. I know what you mean, an abuser might seek out those roles. In 20 years teaching, though, I never met a single member of the support team who was creepy or who was rumoured to be suspected of being inappropriate with children. Everyone is background checked and people keep an eye on each other and would notice.

It is ok in creepy, means you don't have a15 year old in nappies looked after by strangers, lucky you, how wonderful.

Oh so theyy are saying i am a paedophile. Lmao

Thank you to the people with the intelligence to understand my post and point it out that you did x

My DS is totally blind, no speech, yes i have thought about this topic a lot and i feel DS is safe, he is about to change respite hones soon, new set of staff, in going to try to trust them :( try my best

You must be incredibly strong to keep going in those circumstances SoleSource and you must have had to think about things most of us are lucky enough never to worry about.

I think that some of us are concerned about the level of detail you've been thinking about in terms of your son being at risk of sexual assault. Have you talked about your fears with a professional?

The only person who knows why he committed suicide was him.

People who suffer abuse in childhood may go on to abuse, but you don't know if that was the case.

Stop going over it in your head. You can't change the past and you're wasting valuable head space with pointless retrospection.

I got you solesource

I'm afraid that after some of the things I've seen in the past I too have a deep deep fear of something happening to the children. Having seen what can happen to pre-verbal children.

Op it wasn't your fault. Do think you have to follow your gut instincts as long as you're assessing them with your head too.

OP it wasn't your fault. Even if your friendship group was horrible to him, that doesn't drive someone to paedophilia. You had a right to listen to your instincts at the time and not be close to him.

Solesource it must be terrifying knowing your child is vulnerable. I hope the new home is a nice, safe environment for him.

Sole, no one's suggesting you're a paedophile- just that you should word your poster better so you clarify exactly where the thoughts are yours and where you were trying to view it from a paedophile's perspective.

Anyway, I apologise for hurt caused.