Hi i have been reading desperately trying to make sense of it all and just wanted to know if i have been dating a narcissist and how do i deal with myself now? I cant stop crying and need to concentrate on my children.
I got with this guy (N) after I split from my husband primarily because ex h had a porn addiction (and didn't tell me ) whilst pretending he had no sex drive.
I have been friends with N for over a decade, good friends I thought.
Much of our relationship we discussed different women he liked,mutual friends, colleagues etc. He was often confused about which woman he's after had a few relationships while i knew him and a few flings that he told me about.
When talking about previous relationships there were a couple of women who i feel were quite vulnerable, he talked about himself as the victim and those (younger) women hoodwinking him into relationships and 'playing' him.
Years ago i was friendly with one of those women and i clearly remember her saying "i'm free" after splitting up with him.
When my ex husband and i split N declared his feelings for me and as we'd always connected and i was in desperate need of some passion i (stupidly) fell straight into an intense relationship with him.
During our long friendship he was preoccupied with having kids, spending time around other people's kids. He said that when i became a mother i really blossomed and that's when he really started to fall in love with me.
Quite early on in our relationship he talked to me about porn, asking me repeatedly: "what would you do if i was addicted? How do you know im not? " it made me uncomfortable, uneasy and scared especially as he knew what i'd been through with my ex. I told him how i felt and he explained it away saying it was just our usual banter and meant nothing. He seemed surprised i was upset but apologised saying he was addicted to porn but no longer needs it as is no longer single and has me. At this point you'll be wondering what on earth kept me friends with him, he never presents this side of himself to friends that i know of, lots of people think hes amazing and i know a LOT of women who are attracted to him, he's the original charismatic, creative, great listener, really insightful and gives great advice, the ideal male best friend, or so he seemed...
Although i knew years ago he smoked dope (we all did back then) it was only recently he told me he was addicted to cannabis and had only stopped very recently but was still spending lots of time around a good friend who is regularly smoking dope around him. N seemed to enjoy showing how controlled he was around his dopey friend.
The next thing which unsettled me was him getting really angry over a discussion over me confiding in a mutual friend, telling me how dangerous her partner is so therefore i shouldn't trust her. I was defensive about my friend and he started to try and scare me talking about things her partner had done and demanding a response from me. I cried and asked him to stop trying to scare me, when he'd stopped he said he'd only been trying to guide me.
During the brief relationship there were a few angry outbursts when he was feeling criticised, questioned or disagreed with, they were so at odds with the friend he was and the lover he'd become, i used to get upset and then he'd beg me not to leave and told me stories about his childhood abandonment issues. Lots of the stuff he told me about his horrible childhood he said he'd never told anybody else before except for his therapist.
Another weird thing that he did when recounting stories about himself he talked about 'this person' or 'that person' instead of saying their names. I told him it was weird and unsettling and then he stopped doing it.
when i was under immense pressure and had asked for some time out from the 'relationship' to sort out my other personal issues, he planned to take another woman out (one of his large posse of women friends). Previously when we were just friends he'd expressed strong feelings for her to me. I got so upset when he told me that he cancelled the date and said it was just as friends, but he didn't mean to distress me.
One day he came to my door, i was upstairs so slow in answering and when i got there he was outside talking to a woman he'd recently met at a staff training event. He'd previously told me about this woman, ridiculing her as a 'dolly bird' and calling her 'blondie'. She was very attractive in a well groomed slim blonde kind of way. They were chatting quite mundane stuff in front of me, then she left and said goodbye, i walked back into the house and as she left i heard her call to him "i will go for THAT coffee with you". He muttered "no you won't" under his breath and i felt he was genuinely shaken by my overhearing her say that. I asked him if he was planning on going for coffee with her and he replied "no!" Quite vehemently, and said he'd i troduced me to her as "the love of his life" i didn't bother saying anything else i just let it fester while i continued to manage other stressors in my life, but i see this woman about 4 times every day in my local area and am often tempted to ask her about the coffee comment and find out how the discussion had come about although i won't gain anything from knowing, it's just tormenting myself.
When we first got together he kept telling me what an amazing body i have (i haven't!) then after we'd been together a while he was casually mentioning a few times about my 'bulk' and talking about me toning up/would love to see me toned up. Very subtle throw-away comments but enough to make me feel belittled. I remember him in a previous relationship when his partner was trying to get pregnant he was saying things about her figure hoping she won't put on more weight after having kids, at the time i was young free and no kids and thought this was just a normal blokey observation.
He also told me that other people were saying there was a violent end to one of his relationships but he told me a completely different story and because he was my friend i believed the story. Another friend recently reminded me of this incident and i've recently noticed he's always changing his story to suit his mood/the circumstances and getting really angry when challenged.
One of his very old, close friends (one of his harem) recently became pregnant. N said to me she is no longer interesting now she's always talking about expecting a baby.
He kept offering to do various chores to help me out as i was juggling so many things, he got cross and irritated a couple of times then said he was struggling to keep up the being nice and kind, trying to prove he was better than my ex. It was around this time that i started to feel that he was acting out a charade and hiding behind a facade.
The sex also took a darker turn but as i have always been 'adventurous' it didn't really add up until after that he was the one instigating the change of tone because after we'd had more dark sex he said it was worrying him the turn things were taking and he didn't want to lose the tenderness and romance. He said he'd never done some of the things before and was just being led by me but his performance was very authentic and it felt to me like it was very natural to him.
I also found out since we split that he kept dating profile open although he doesnt appear to have logged on for a while.
In between al this madness we did have an amazing time, doing fun stuff, going to beautiful places but i felt increasingly that he was only happy as long as i was adoring and not challenging.
I dont really know why i'm writing here, i just feel really stupid, foolish, angry with myself and depressed that while i thought i was getting some hot sex and passion as well as romance he was most likely just using me and possibly lining up other women behind my back.
It's hard to talk about in real life because friends and family just thought it was rebound and that i was jumping in too soon, nobody seems in the slightest bit interested in my pain now, it really hurts so soon after a divorce and i wish i'd never given him head/heart space.
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What have i done?! Have I been dating a narcissist?
slimedagain · 01/08/2014 22:25
Hi OP, have been reading through this thread, and just wanted to post to wish you well. I haven't any words of wisdom really other than don't blame yourself over any of this.
It's hard being a woman in relationships - we are socially conditioned to put the man first, to not be assertive, and we sometimes want the perfect relationship so much that that stops us from seeing things as they really are.
It is a learning process we all have to do, to learn boundaries and to trust our feelings. So try not to blame yourself that this has happened twice. It doesn't have to happen a third time 
, not if you take a step back and spend some time focussing on your own needs, your boundaries, listening to your intuition etc.
One thing that can help how you feel right now is to try and do one nice thing for yourself every day, even if it's a little thing like read a chapter of a book or paint your toe nails; this is grounding and helps you appreciate yourself and your own space. Best wishes x
With ex (who is now dead - phew) I eventually got to not nice/not nasty, just straight. I had to have dealings with him and perfected being flat, like a block of wood; factual. I couldn't show any emotion one way or the other. He defamed me, some people heard him, they weren't my friends (which included my family - it took this to finally realise they had never been my friends. Which was why I went for someone like this: I was used to it).
Retail therapy sounds good! 
After I moved out of the flat I shared with a Narc, she was convinced I'd stolen her knickers off the airer 
and many other things, notably a kitchen knife. She went on about this knife for months - massive ranting phone calls, asking mutual friends to check through my knife drawer (and knicker drawer!), weird messages on my voicemail. To make it even stranger, I didn't remember seeing this knife in either of the flats we'd shared. I just assumed I hadn't bothered noticing but, now I know how disordered some minds can be, wonder if it ever physically existed.
You may have to just stop responding - or even make a legal complaint - if he's not satisfied with the return of his oily rags and broken combs.
little bits like deoderant and an old t shirt… He can just fuck off with that now 
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