Mum had an affair

[Cheepypeepy]

So my mum told my sister that when we were younger she had an affair. She and my dad are still married and seem happy, though in the last few years she is much more dominant and he passive.

So I am not sure what to do or say now, I feel awkward that she has told my sister but not me - she will expect my sister to have told me but that's not the same as being told myself. I feel awkward that I don't know how much my dad knows or if he knows that she is speaking about it now. I feel upset as I hope I would never have an affair and can't respect people that do but realistically know things can't always be that clear cut.

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this?

I understand this is difficult for you to process but essentially it is nothing to do with you. In just the same way that your mother does not own your sexuality and your personal life , you do not own hers. She was a woman in her own right before you even existed and that remains the same.
I know this perspective is not very helpful and I am sorry if you feel upset but there is nothing you can do apart from choose to view your Mum as a woman and not as an ancillary to you.

Thank you, I think what is confusing is why she wants to share this now, and what does she expect of us in our relationship with her and our dad?

How selfish of your mum to tell her children! What the fuck does she expect you to do with that nugget of information?

You're poor dad.
His whole marriage is based on a lie.

Part of me wants to go 'naaa not listening' and part 'who, when where, does dad know who?? Do I??'

But I kind of feel she wants to be the centre of some drama and I don't want to have that role or unwittingly really hurt my dad

Maybe she sees you as her equals now and hopes you can appreciate that adult relationships can be messy even if loving and caring. What I am trying to say is that her past behaviour to your father is between them , and unless she has been hurtful to you it is for them to resolve , or not , as they see fit. You don't know if your father knows and it is not for you to tell him. After all do you know for sure how he has behaved in the past.

How selfish of your mum to tell her children! What the fuck does she expect you to do with that nugget of information?

^^^ this.

My mum did the same to me with my stepdad, but told me when I was about 14.

How is the your relationship with your mum normally?

Also just wondering how old your parents are and how long married as long term relationships are often built on so much more than this one aspect.

In my situation my 'd' m had no respect for my step dad.

She has purposely put your dsis is a very uncomfortable situation where she ultimately has to choose sides. Because if she/you keep your mouth shut , you have chosen her side.

Maybe she wants him to find out, maybe she wants out.

Yes in some ways after thinking about it I would prefer to know now rather than find out later when I haven't got a chance to ask questions

But I can't get over how I am supposed to behave to my dad - this happened on a family holiday - I think he knew at the time but I don't know if he knows she is discussing it now

Superficially we have a good relationship together and as a family, I used to think she was a warm person but suddenly had a revaluation that she was actually quite critical and nasty about and to other people - though not to us. She had a very rough relationship with her parents and made an effort not to repeat it but the effects are there. Dad (seems to be)much less complicated, more easy going and social.

I wonder if the secrecy bothers her and bringing it into the open is a purely selfish need to live without the secret.

You can ignore and let her stew or confront. What suits you?

Thanks again for the responses - it is helping to break it down emotionally

I think I would prefer to let it lie until it could be discussed properly but mum and dad are going to visit our tiny flat with our tiny non sleeping dcs for a weekend soon and I am finding it hard to see how I can not say anything for the whole weekend but will not have a chance to discuss properly as my dad will be there aswell

Ok I realize I am angry with her for putting me in this position (puts my earlier uncharacteristic strop with her about something trivial into context now!)

This happened over 20 years ago and if I had to pick one of them to have had an affair I would probably have picked my dad - more social and more obviously charming

Your Mum was wrong to share this with your sister in the certain knowledge that you would also be told but also neither you not your sister know the context in so much as neither of you can claim to actually know the reality of your parent's relationship at the time. Perhaps your gregarious Dad was indulging in emotional affairs and neglecting the mother of his children at the time or perhaps they have had a non sexual marriage for years.
Do you really want to know why your Mum had an affair?

Who knows why she said anything, it might have been your sister was sharing her own relationship or marital woes and your mum was trying to let her know we all make mistakes. Whatever the reason, she didn't tell you and if I were you, I would leave well alone for this to sort itself out in your parent's marriage. Your dad may know, he may suspect, he may not want to know. It is hard but as the first poster said, your mum is a person in her own right and this may include making mistakes along the way, she wouldn't be the first at all.

I don't think I want to know about it - apart from if it were someone we know as a family but I want to know why she wants to talk about it now and if she has discussed the act of telling with dad

The only thing that she said about their relationship was that the affair caused trust issues - indicating that they weren't there before, but I agree I don't think I belong as a spectator in the history of their relationship

I feel that I am pretending in front of him if you see what I mean as I don't think I can speak honestly to her in case he overhears - and I do think she is expecting some response otherwise why tell us?

Just ignore it. If she wants to raise it with him, she will.

Mums are people, and so are daughters. Daughters are often the people mums are closest to. Sometimes a mum can forget that a daughter is different from a friend. My daughter has to remind me, if I'm saying too much, that I really didn't like the way her grandma gave too much information.

Are you sure she knows you know? Or has your sister broken a confidence?

Yes she knows, my sister and I are extremely close - much closer than either of us are individually to our mum - it's a bit of a joke in the family how much we share. To all intents and purposes neither me nor my sister are her favorites, there will be phases when sometimes one has more in common but generally my mum doesn't need a close relationship with either one of us. I think she doesn't have close female friends in the way she used to so maybe that is why she wants to share more now or perhaps we are at more similar stages of life that she identifies with.

I guess I just have to think of lots of other topics of conversations for next time she wants to talk. I think I shall also tell her I don't want to know anything about her relationship that my dad doesn't.

Urgh, what a bitch. Why the hell would you tell your children something like that?

Perhaps your dad already knows though if it was a long time ago and she was happy to tell your sister about it.

If this was a recent affair, or happening now, I would say to give her an ultimatum and to tell her to either own up or you would do unit for her. But for something so long ago, I am not sure.

Maybe have a quiet word with your dad and ask how he is doing, if he is happy, and point out that your mum is turning into a bit of a bossy cow. Basically see if he's okay.

For your mum? I guess coldly tell her you heard the news from your sister, ask if your dad knows, and depending on her answer, tell her you are ashamed of her, and why the fuck would a mother tell that to her children, or not, if he knows and its water under the bridge.