please help me to gain some clarity about what to do

[inneedofsomeclarity]

This is my first post on here but I have been lurking and reading similar posts for a while.i apologise now because I think it will be very long and nonsensical but I am so conflicted.

I have been married for 7 years, together for 12 1/2 and we have 2 dds, 3 and 6. When we first got together, he told me that he had fallen out with his parents and I suggested he stay with me for a few days-he turned up with all his stuff and moved in (this was after 2 months of dating). Anyway, it turns out he was lying about something huge and I kicked him out a month later but then we reconciled and life moved on although it was very very hard. (This is relevant)

we were happy but after the birth of dd1, I feel things have never really been on track. We barely have sex-i wouldn't care if we never had it again tbh. I don't find him physically attractive and feel numb about him-i have no clue if I love him or not, but I really feel that I should know that! I know relationships aren't like in the movies but he definitely doesn't make the best I can be-i am a nagging control-freak because I constantly have to sort his messes.

he is emotionally unavailable, doesn't comunicate, lies about all sorts of minor things even though I have told him that I would rather know the truth, he is utterly awful with money.

Generally, he is decent, helps with the house, the kids, would do anything for anyone etc but I feel he lives in his bubble where he comes first when it comes to us.

we have had serious rows for years and he has promised he would change, stop lying, communicate etc but never has. I have always said we would be ok as long as we were willing to argue but I can't even be arsed to do that anymore cos it's the same argurment ee've been having for years. I often wonder if we only stayed together because he moved in so quickly and we stupidly wanted to prove we should be together and because it is convenient for him.

I just want more from life, don't want to look back and feel I wasted years on a relationship that wad crap but can't tell if this is the end or do we keep trying. The things I worry about most are thst he is incapable of looking after himself financially and I think will grt in deeper debt if we split up but this shouldn't be my problem.

I recognise this is very waffly and probably doesn't sound that awful, but I really don't know if I want to be married to him anymore, constantly waiting for the next discovery of a lie or next idiotic thing for me to solve. i told him tonight that i think we shoild split up and went to tell my parents but then turned around and came home. However, i still feel that way, i think.

please help me see the wood for the trees.

If I was you I would ask for a four week break. Let him stay wherever and you use that time to think about what you want, whether you miss him and what happens next.

Thanks for your response. I sometimes think about that but I worry about the disruption it would cause dds. I am swinging between the thought that it would be a relief to the thought that it's fine, we could just carry on like this forever.

You could be talking about my STBXH it will never ever get any better I can assure you. They don't feel anything for you only whats best for them and this image they portray.
I emailed him all the things that were wrong in our relationship then I deleted him off of Facebook and put on we were separated. He took no notice of the email but went mad that I had told everyone we were separated because it's all about him and you are not a person with feelings you are just an object. If you want to pm me you can. It's an horrendous feeling that you have I know now he never loved me he just took everything and gave nothing, but pain and heartache you deserve better.

In that quite detailed pencil sketch the only positives I can see about him are that he is 'decent' and that he helps with the house and kids. Decency and teamwork should be givens. I don't see any idea that you love or respect him. I don't think you even like him.

The biggest problem for me would be that he is that he's a liar and it's a mistake to have people in your life you can't trust. He set the tone from the off by lying his way into your home and I think you regret having taken him back when you had the chance to get rid.

You're the only one who can call time on this because he's got what he wants. It's a big decision which is why you got half way to your parents' and turned back. So do some research, get legal advice, see how the finances fall, think it through, make a plan... and then it'll be much more likely to happen.

Thank you for your responses. I am still so confused. I asked him last night what the relatiinship bought to his life and he couldn't find an answer-i just think it shouldn't be that hard. But once decided, there is no going back and, selfishly, I hate that I will have to share my children, I.e. access, birthdays, christmas. I also dread having to tell them because they really love him but there is an inevitably about it that if not now, then someday doen the line.

I would argue that DCs are less damaged by separation than they are by growing up in an environment where the two people they depend on most in the world are unkind or hostile to each other. I would also argue that you will be less damaged having to share your DCs' time than by forcing yourself to live with someone you don't like.

maybe better to split now while things are not totally awful so that you can co-parent amicably? I know the process of splitting can cause that to deteriorate but it does sound to me like this is not a healthy relationship for anyone. Having kids does not mean you should sacrifice your personal happiness for their short term stability. There will be a period of adjustment of course but better in the long term I suspect.

Oh God, I can't believe it has come to this-we have called it quits and my heart is breaking even though I know it's right. I feel so so sad about all the things we planned to do and never will. Please hold my hand and keep me strong-i can't stop crying and feel numb. I know we could have carried on like this forever but there has to be more to life, right?

Hand holding.

This is the hardest bit, you need to cry, life will get better, but it takes time. I was in your shoes a year ago, and other than current dating angst, I am in a much better place, the children are fine and we are kinda managing to parent together apart...It does get better.

Give yourself time and surround yourself with people who care about you now is the time for them to show you how much they care.

Thank you so much. I now feel so guilty because there is a lot of good in him but because of his own issues he just makes life so hard. I just have to keep telling myself that I can't spend my life with just a companion, I need more. Thanks for the hand-holding and for letting me know that it does get better.