Slander. How to deal with it.

[cafesociety]

Someone I've kept in touch with all my life and met up with periodically, visited me recently. We know each others life stories, but not the details.

The subject of my ex husband came up and I said I still had feelings for him [despite divorcing over 30 years ago!]. She said she didn't get why as he had raped me on the kitchen floor.....!

Well no such thing happened and I told her so, said she must have got me mixed up with someone else. She has always been gossipy/dramatic and loved scandal. She also drinks a lot.

She then said I was obviously 'blocking it out', I denied this, she repeated that I was blocking it out in order to protect myself from the truth. I block out t.nothing, I'm the type who faces everything full on and don't kid myself, a realist.

What she said is all absolute rubbish and there is not a grain of truth in it. My ex and I parted amicably, we didn't even need a solicitor, we sold the house, divided the proceeds, agreed contact the children and went our separate ways. We used to meet up for drinks and consensual sex now and then [when both single]and chat when he picked the children up as we were thinking of getting back together. No one raped anyone, I am not blocking anything out.

I feel enraged on his behalf. How dare she say this [and has probably told others] about him...a gentle and decent man who she does not know!

She has now returned home and has e mailed wondering why I haven't contacted her. I haven't because I just do not know what to say and how to word it. I don't care if I ever see her again but I feel I must clear my ex's name....although I know she will think I'm blocking it out!

Do I ignore and go NC.....or tell of my anger, just at a loss as to how to word it all. Advice please, this is really bugging me. [Friends in RL say she has dementia brought on by drink...she's in her 60's].

That is a tricky one. In the past I have had friends try to rewrite history (nothing as heinous as that) and try to convince me I am feeling one way but actually I am feeling the complete opposite. These people are so convinced by their own beliefs that the more you protest the more they believe what they are saying is true (and the more they ramp it up). I have found disengaging with these people saves me a lot of stress.

I don't really know the laws on slander. My thinking is it would just be your word against hers, unless she's been saying it to others who you could call witness.

Do you tell your ex-husband? You know him better than any of us, but I feel he has a right to know what this woman has been saying.

Just seen the bit about dementia. Hopefully people will just think she doesn't know what she's talking about, but it's still not nice.

Is there any chance this may have happened to her and she is projecting it onto you instead?

Pickle you have echoed my thoughts that she will just protest that I am deluding myself even more.

I do not see my ex any more, he is remarried and with a new family and my sons don't now see him [long story]. I sometimes bump into him in a supermarket when we are civil.

I don't think he needs or deserves to hear this drivel, but I am enraged on his behalf. Of course I have no witness to the slander. I'm furious but at a loss whether to disengage or tackle the -crazy- woman.

[Please note I have not said a word about either of her ex h's as I do not know them nor what went on, and it is none of my business anyway!]

Were the friends you spoke to about this friends of hers, too? Had they (or anyone else) heard this directly from her?

sebs a very very long time ago she worked in a psychiatric/geriatric unit [she is not a trained psychiatric nurse though] and comes out with psychobabble regularly - of which her implying I'm 'blocking it out' is a prime example.

But I do not think it happened to her [we would have all heard about it]....but maybe it did happen to another of her many friends/acquaintances throughout the years.

Maybe the best you can do is state calmly that this is not the case. if ever it comes up with anyone else, repeat it. Beyond that, there's not much else. And distance yourself from her.

Feel for you, that sort of comment is the sort to leave you boiling with rage, we have a neighbour who makes very similar comments about someone else - it's appalling. She makes stuff up :/ leaves me boiling with anger with the comments she's made.

Imperial the friends I asked for opinions on the situations have never met her. She herself boasts about how much she drinks.

One of my friends has a relative who has early dementia brought on by drink. The other friend says she sounds dangerous, [she stole from me when we were kids and has done many things I don't agree with...].

I've just remembered she also said that the 2 of us started a fire on allotments when we were kids, to see the fire engine come out. This did not happen! [There were fires sometimes probably started by older boys]

I looked aghast when she said that and she insisted it happened then too, when I said it didn't. [If she lit a fire I certainly wasn't with her and have never started a fire like that in my life]......

I have a relative almost exactly like this. She will talk utter bollocks to anybody who will listen, tell stories about incidents that never happened and say to another relative 'do you remember when this happened? You should know, you were there'. Well yes they were there but what she described never happened. The problem is that she totally believes her version of events, will not accept that she's wrong and there is nothing that anybody can do or say to convince her otherwise. As long as she is somewhere in the drama (mainly at the centre) or there is some kind of scandal then she's happy to remain convinced she's right.
It's annoying and upsetting at times but there's been nothing we can do about it apart from make sure other people know the truth. Tbh, I think that's all you can do.

Meerka yes there's nothing like the boiling rage this stuff causes...and knowing there's probably nothing that can be done about it. Very frustrating.

Idont what is wrong with these people!? They make their own dramas, but it's not fair to drag people's reputations down into the gutter. Seems like she will always see her own version of reality despite what is actually the truth.

I think the general concensus is not to engage with her. She is moving back to this country soon and I can see she could cause a lot of trouble in the future with her mind set.

My grandmother [who brought me up, mainly] disliked her when we were children, and didn't like we kept in touch. Wise woman.

Thanks for the valuable input everyone.

With the fire comment I would suggest she's been like this for a long time, if not all her life and you may find there are other people who have a similar experience to you.

The person who did this to me was person who seemed to enjoy drama, we'd be out everyone enjoying themselves and she would suddenly start an argument with her boyfriend. If we were all being a bit daft, she would be the one to push it furthest.
I went through a bit of a rough time, I did speak to about a couple of times, but others friends pulled me through it really, yet she frequently reminded me of it, it felt as though she was trying to push me down, so she could 'help me through it' and then have the ego boost of me being eternally grateful to her. I am now non contact and it's great!!

Oh you have my total sympathy. When I wanted to claim single parent status in Ireland in the 80s, as divorce was not recognised at the time, they wanted me to pursue my ExH for alimony for a baby that was born ten years after I last saw him. I was so upset that anyone should refer to this perfectly lovely and decent man as an irresponsible father.

What kind of upbringing did this person have?
It sounds like she may have felt neglected as a child then needed to 'fill the gap' with attention-seeking behaviour which has become a habit. Interesting your gran didn't like her when she was a child.

Grammar she had an ordinary family life [if there is such a thing]....father, mother, sister, decent house. The oldest daughter. She was quite timid.....and I would show her how to skate, ride a bike, climb trees, swim etc. She seemed fearful somehow, unsure.

In her teens though she became a tad promiscuous to say the least...almost as if she had found something she was good at, found her power. Then used it to have affairs a couple of married men.

I don't know. She's always loved scandalous stories and exaggerated things for effect. She's gone too far this time though.

My gran was amazing, and I know what she would say.....walk away.

Ooh! I may have an inkling...

She may well have a form of dementia. My great aunt was a bit like this and she scandalised everyone for years. Until, well into her 80s, she asked my Nana about the time they had gone out on the town... and then recounted the storyline of an afternoon telly movie we had watched with her the week before.

It became obvious that she was weaving all sorts of stories into her life, good and bad story lines from the telly, books and even an opera (we think it was the Mikado). After that we sort of jollied her a bit, her GP said she was still capable of living independently, and she was.

His biggest worry was that we would stop listening, so if something real occurred we may not hear her telling us. Which made the last 8 or 9 years of her life fun for us... to be honest, having my DH look at me horrified when she told him exactly how I paid my way through university, nothing she could say touched the sides after a while.

Maybe your friend is experiencing something similar.