Need advice please...

[Lindyloo35]

I am after help from anyone who has been in the same situation as me. My husband likes to drink alcohol every day but won't admit he has a problem, I went for a sleep yesterday afternoon at 2 and when I woke at 3 he had already gone through a bottle of wine. I've said to him that I don't want him in the house anymore and that he should go to his mothers for a few days but he is refusing to leave. I'm worried what will happen when he finishes work at 3 and tries to comes home - I don't want our 4 kids to see us arguing. Any advice please xxx

Who has the name on the deeds/rent book?

My name on deeds

You can't really force someone to leave their home against their will. You can apply pressure, make their life a bit more miserable etc but if they are determined to stay put, they'll stay put. An alcoholic specialises in blotting out reality so you're up against it there.

What are you hoping would happen if he spends a few days at his mother's? A short break in the hostilities? Him realising the error of his ways?

He's been drinking for ages now, we had a really bad summer last year and he promised to stop drinking which he hasn't. The problem is he won't talk to me or recognise that he has a problem. So I want him to have time away to realise what he will lose if he doesn't change his ways

I think it may be a good idea to speak to womans aid, your gp, ss and hv, log this situation so that you have a 'paper trail'.

It could be seen as a child protection issue and you may be able to get advise on how to deal with him.

If you seperate it is possible to insist that in order for you husband to have unsupervised access then he needs to show that he is clean alcohol wise by having a hair strand test (to show level of alcohol consumption) and a liver function blood test. If these tests show above moderate alcohol consumption then he can be asked to have rehab. This would have to go through the family court and have a judges ruling.

Is there any dv between you and your dh? If so you may qualify to get legal aid. It would defiantly be a good idea to talk to a solicitor, many can give half an hour free so ring around.

If there is dv within your relationship you can log it with the none emergancy police 101, this will also help with a paper trail and helps to access free legal aid.

Speak to people and ask for their help.

I hope that you have rl help from family and friends.

Alcoholism is a very 'selfish' addiction, you may find it useful to read some books on it, also join help groups for families that are effected by this issue.

A bottle of wine in one afternoon hour seems like more than just a problem.

Know someone who was in same position recently. The breakthrough was getting them to see the problem. Does his mother agree his drinking is a problem? Can the two of you maybe work on a joint plan to get him to see sense?

Bottom line - addiction is an illness and happy people don't become addicts. In the short term though it's critical to put the kids first. If you're concerned about his potential conduct, be firm about standing your ground, be prepared to get outside help to back it up but offer the carrot of coming back if he wakes up and gets help.

"So I want him to have time away to realise what he will lose if he doesn't change his ways"

I used to be married to an alcohol abuser. Nothing makes them 'realise' anything, I'm sorry. They are so entrenched in the behaviour that it's everyone else with a problem, not them. In my exH's case, not even turning a car onto its roof and being banned from driving made him realise he had a problem.

You may benefit from contacting Al-Anon

By 3pm he was sloshed and you have children, yes you need to kick his toxic ass out.