Don't know what to do for the best

[Fiddlesticks11]

My husband and I have been married for 7 years and together for 14. We have 2 beautiful girls (3&5) but for the past 5 years our relationship has become very strained.
Last night we had a blazing row that ended up in a physical fight (I made the first move - not proud) but we seem to be in a pattern of constant rowing & reconciling with the notion to just plough on. I am no longer physically attracted towards him and he is abusive to me on pretty much a daily basis but the thought of being on my own frightens me.
For years he has told me how unhappy he is at the lack of physical intimacy but I can't turn on my feelings when all I can think of is how much he hates me - why would you want to sleep with someone you hate?!!
He tells me regularly that I'm thick, stupid, a f#*k up, that I'm desperate around my friends, that I'm fake & false with them & I kiss their ass. I told him that all of the above is abuse but he says it's all true & he has no respect for me.
Back in March he said he was leaving & I begged him not to go - told him I would buck my ideas up & improve my behaviour! Looking back I can see how downtrodden & more likely scared I was!
I have suggested he leave but now he won't! I don't want to raise my girls in this environment but don't know what to do if he won't leave.
I'm exhausted living like this :-(

Have you contacted WA?

What was the physical fight like? Were you hurt?

The first time he said he was going to leave he was dumping you and he probably knew you didn't want him to leave. Now you asked him, so he's not in control and he's saying he won't.
But you can get him to leave the house legally if you show abuse.

Do you have any real life support from family or friends?

You're right, you need out of this. Women's Aid.

I shoved him out of sheer rage and he pushed me over but I have woken this morning with bruises around my arms and my neck. I shouldn't have done it but after half an hour of being told you're thick & stupid because I have a different opinion to him made me snap!
After things had calmed I apologised to him & told him I was ashamed of myself but I now feel like his abuse of me is overlooked because I snapped & reacted physically.
I have a friend who I confide in & I suspect he knows cause his first comment is to shout 'off you go & tell your friend''. I have a very supportive family who I'm sure would stand by me but I don't feel strong enough to break out of this cycle.
I got with him when I was 18 so have no other personal relationships to compare it with. He is so blind to his abuse - I just wish someone would show him how wrong he is.

I just wish someone would show him how wrong he is.

That is the problem. Why should he respect someone else's opinion more than yours? Why can't he see that what he is doing is wrong?

You shouldn't have bruises after a simple push.

And being called thick and stupid is emotional abuse. It can be worse than physical violence.

Please do leave.
If not for yourself, at least for your girls. You are showing them now what relationships look like. This will be their reference. What would you tell them if they were in your place?

Women's aid: 0808 2000 247

Also, as you are bruised, and that means he used excessive force, do report it to the police. At the very least document the bruises. Get yourself checked by a GP for them and tell the GP what caused them.

NCDV can advise you and may help you get an injunction.

You do not have to put up with this. Gather as much help as you can. There is a way out.

^but I have woken this morning with bruises around my arms and my neck&

the experienced people here all say, without exceptoin, that neck-attacks are the most dangerous of all and an extremely bad sign.

Yes you started the physical stuff and you can say that and how ashamed you are, but you need outside help now. Ring Women's Aid or the police, 101.

And if you are getting physical it is absolutely time you both completely changed your behaviour or split up.