Managing crushes

[lastlostmonkey]

I need some tips please. Since I stopped bfing my sex drive is back with a vengeance. DH and I rarely dtd, and although we are meant to be working on that he just doesn't seem interested and has basically said that he feels intimidated if I make a move (I'm not v forceful, due to getting knocked back so much) so I don't feel able to try to initiate it any more.

I keep developing crushes on other people which I find depressing. It doesn't take much for one to develop, and because they are usually people I see often I find it embarrassing and I'm always trying to second guess myself to work out if I'm making an idiot of myself when talking to them. How can I manage this? I know from the past that it happens when I am not happy in my relationship, but I do have to deal with these people, and they tend to be friends. I want to get rid of the crush and be able to carry on getting on with them as before. Any advice?

I'd have thought your priority is to deal with your DH's lack of interest in you. If he's not motivated and you're sexually incompatible, that's a serious problem that could mean your marriage ends prematurely. You will not get rid of crushes if you're chronically sexually frustrated.

Have the crushes only started happening since you stopped bf'ing? If so, it could be hormonal. When I stopped the pill to TTC, I found that my libido increased enormously and I developed a few silly crushes. It settled down within a couple of months. Might help to think that it is your hormones doing this, not your brain/emotions?

Cogito - yes, I know. We are trying to work on it (I think) but it's slow going really. I hope it will be resolved at some point.

MrBuster - yes, all fairly normal before. It's a lot worse around the time I'm ovulating which would make sense too. I hope it does settle down, I was kind of assuming this was my new normal, which is hard to manage, especially given the situation with DH.

You're basing your life on 'hope' that he's going to suddenly be interested in you?

I don't know. Yes, I suppose so. He used to be interested but hasn't really for a long time. We have two DCs together so I feel like I've got to try hard to make things work. I have posted on other threads about the situation and have realised recently that there's a lot wrong in the relationship. We've had some big talks and he does seem to be making an effort with other things.

I think he must either have a very low sex drive or have some other outlet for it. I've asked if he is interested in someone else and he says no. He says he's used to how things are but is willing to try to change the situation. Just doesn't seem to be much happening. As I said on my other thread I plan to go to counselling, but it will have to be after school hols.

If this is the same and the other stuff has gone back to how it was by (some time, have to think about this) then I guess I will try to leave. I think these are recurring issues from the start of the relationship and I suspect they won't change. I am really afraid that no one will want me, and that this sort of half relationship is the best I'll get and I'll regret leaving because I'll be alone. But I already feel like I've wasted over a decade, sexually, and I don't want to live like this any more. He says he feels close to me when we are doing things as a family and that's enough for him. But that doesn't seem like an adult relationship to me. It's not good, no.

Don't settle for half a relationship. Set the bar higher. You started the thread because you're already aware that you're finding other people attractive, developing crushes and that's only going to end up one of two ways. Either you act on the crushes and become a cheat or you don't act on the crushes and remain perpetually sexually frustrated.

If you've realised there's a lot wrong with your marriage and that there have been recurring problems from the start then this is not some temporary glitch but what sounds like a big incompatibility. I hope the counselling helps but a ten year behaviour pattern is going to be hard to fix, especially if the other person is quite happy with the status quo.

Ironic that you're held back by the fear that no-one will want you. Nothing is lonelier than chronic rejection.

I had the same problem in my marriage, it doesn't get better as time goes on - worse. You end up resenting him, thinking there must be someone else or he's gay or that you are just unattractive and unsexy. Trouble is, everything else can be fine and you think that you can cope with it. My ex was in the Army and we lived on camp so I was surrounded by temptation and I hate to say it but I did give in once or twice, not affairs just a one off to feel wanted in that way and release the tension! At the time I justified it as helping our marriage as I hated myself for what I had done but felt in a better place for the platonic relationship with husband, who was a fantastic friend, supporter and father. We stayed together about 20 years.

I should have got out a lot quicker and just kept him as a friend as we did remain friends when I finally left. I spent many years feeling guilty, unsexy and having crushes when I needn't have.

I am sorry but I think you need to think very seriously about ending your marriage.

Life is short. Don't waste it like this.

Thank you all. Cogito - I think you're right about the recurring problems. I'm hoping that counselling would help me get my head straighter about that. It is lonely, that's exactly what I said to him, this and the other stuff.

Annie - you are pretty much describing my situation bar the army base and ons. I think we've dtd three times in the last 15 months. Maybe twice when I was pg before that. But we get on well as people, share interests, same sense of humour etc. I keep thinking, 'no, no, we've got so much in common, this is a minor blip and basically our relationship is good' but I know that's not really true. We are really just very good friends now and although I fancy him he seems to have lost that feeling for me. I keep thinking of all the people who would be let down if I left. But then the idea of carrying on like this for another ten or twenty years, having to work so hard and negotiate for any kind of sexual attention is just crushing.

When DS started sleeping better I asked DH to get some condoms because I wasn't yet back on the pill. Two months passed. Nothing. In the end I just bought them myself. It was absolutely heartbreaking. I read posts about women whose husbands want sex all the time and I'm sure that has it's own difficulties but tbh it sounds great to me.

Egghead - I do think about it all the time. I have done for years if I'm honest. But it's building now, and sometimes it does seem like a real possibility.

What you're talking about is a pretty large incompatibility. No-one is right and no-one is wrong, you just have very different views of what most would say is a fundamental aspect of an adult relationship. If, when proposing marriage, he'd said that you'd only have sex once in a blue moon, would you have still signed up?

If you operate well as friends, you could probably operate just as well - if not better - as co-parents outside of an actual marriage. I'm not sure why that would let anyone down.

You're right. I talked to him about buying the condoms and how I'd felt about it and he was totally, genuinely surprised that I'd felt like that. To him it was just another thing on a list of administrative things which needed doing at some point. I had always assumed that he was also doing and feeling the same things as me but we were just in the doldrums. But I think that's not the case at all. I feel so sad now, and also angry about it all.

15 months is a long time, but I believe sexual drive can me stimulated and grow (excuse the pun). He's probably, if he's not got another outlet, got some issue which is holding him back, either physical or mental or both. Whatever it is, he's comfortable without the sexual urges you want him to have.

Try takling it with him in a roundabout kind of way. The physical one is easier to tackle. Try and get fit together, encourage exercise, quit drinking for a month, stop smoking (don't have a clue which may be applicable to your husband!). It may kick start something in him, but don't say this is the reason for doing it, don't even connect the two iyswim?

Just seems a shame to split for something that can often be fixed. Have you asked him what exactly is intimidating about you?

rb32 - he's very fit and I'm also pretty fit. We don't smoke and barely drink. I don't know what he finds intimidating, it seems like a bit of an excuse to me and, as I said, I'm not pushy any more. I don't know how it can be fixed long term, tbh, if he just fundamentally doesn't see a problem to be fixed. It's not just the last 15 months, it's been for years, it's just that there have been other things that I've assumed were the reason it wasn't happening, which I now question.

Last - ah well it was worth suggesting! Maybe you're right; he's just given up on sex and is content with that. Which puts you in this shitty situation. Perhaps it's time to face up to it together and maybe accept you're just not right for each other?

The problem is that he says we can fix it and he's trying, but I really see no evidence of that. So I don't think he accepts that we are not really compatible that way. And also I love him and I want it to work out and it's very sad to think that this is potentially insurmountable.

Then you really need to deciude whether you can leave or not.