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Relationships

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Original poster

Do you ask for permission to go for nights out with friends?

124 replies

moonshine123 · 30/07/2014 21:12

Just out of curiosity does anyone ask for permission from Partner or Husband etc for going on nights out with friends, girls nights out etc? x

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 30/07/2014 22:03

My OH's ex cheated on him and I go out without him. It would do my nut if I had to have him with me all the time.

I will say 'I'm out on Thursday' or I've booked myself tickets to see x band/singer' and I'll drive up and go on my own.

I couldn't be in a relationship like that. I did once, and had to leave with my possessions chucked in the back of the car. Never again.

Thurlow · 30/07/2014 22:04

This doesn't sound very healthy.

Pretty much every couple I know, there's a token 'ask' if there are children to look after, but that's it. As others say, first person to write it on the calendar gets that date.

It sounds a little as if he is slowly stopping you seeing your friends?

Shakey1500 · 30/07/2014 22:04

No way. As other's have said, if I know DH has no plans then I'll tell him I'm going out, and he does the same. It's relaxed and neither of us would think twice.

pictish · 30/07/2014 22:04

I feel for you btw.
What would happen if you said "I'm going to go out with xxx on Saturday, that ok with you?"

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 30/07/2014 22:05

Your partner is controlling and it's not acceptable. I'm not surprised you feel low.

MaryWestmacott · 30/07/2014 22:06

Do you have children together?

mousmous · 30/07/2014 22:08

no, I don't ask for permission.
but we do talk about our plans if we need a babysitter or of he can come home from work early.

scottishmummy · 30/07/2014 22:09

No,and if a partner is seeking to significantly curtail you thats a problem

Original poster

moonshine123 · 30/07/2014 22:11

Yes we have 1 child, im not sure what would happen If i said im going out on Saturday etc, he would probably have a huff about it x

OP posts:

sofluffyamgonnadie · 30/07/2014 22:12

Another no here, DH works shifts, so I fit my nights out around his days off/early's, so he's around for DCs

gamerchick · 30/07/2014 22:12

No permission here.. A check in from shifts and whether he's going to be in for the bedtime but that's It.

How you're describing is not healthy at all.. It's one step away from forbidding you.. you just haven't rebel yet. Tell him you're going to be going out when you want and don't take any notice of his manipulative shit.

mousmous · 30/07/2014 22:13

so what?
let him huff.

EverythingCounts · 30/07/2014 22:13

So he would believe a 'rumour' from someone else rather than what his wife/partners says to him? Hardly trust, is it? He is looking for excuses to punish you and be unfair. Not good. If he really trusted you he wouldn't stop you going anywhere. It's not your fault, or even his ex-wife's. It's his for being like this. He chooses to be.

pictish · 30/07/2014 22:14

Even if his 'reasoning' had any truth to it, which it absolutely does not, how is it that the muckspreading of other men results in the curtailing of your life?
Along with the wrongdoing of his ex. That's a lot of random people you are being held responsible for isn't it?

Or maybe it's all horsehit, and he just wants to keep you in line, and at home.

LittlePrawn · 30/07/2014 22:14

I would try to talk to him. Explain that you're feeling sad as you don't see your friends and that you are going to make an effort to see them. Don't ask permission, but tell him this is what is going to happen.

If he trusts you as he says he does then it doesn't matter about him not trusting other men. Of course there are men out there who are potentially going to try and chat you up. But so what? Does he really think that little of you, that you will go off with the first, random man that tries it on? You need to talk to him.

pictish · 30/07/2014 22:15

And if you let him huff, and went out?

Notfootball · 30/07/2014 22:21

Wow, he's controlling. What a lot of of excuses to keep you indoors; his cheating ex, other untrustworthy men, sounds like rubbish to me. It's you he doesn't trust and it's his problem, not yours.

What will he do if you go out without his "permission"? Huff and sulk and then what? Ground you? He's treating you like a child.

Picklepest · 30/07/2014 22:22

What do u mean by permission? I find this is far more subtle when an adult than "may I do x?" I have 2 under 5. Dh goes out from work I get a txt. I need to go out? It's in the diary. It's planned. I arrange bath and dinner and beds. It's maybe days to weeks in advance. It's all allowed. I'm not in a 'bad' relationship. But there is negotiation I didn't know existed before kids I do now. I do know this alters as they grow. It won't be the same once both at school.

Interesting you picked going out. Going out symbolises freedom. It's an easy one to discuss. Socially acceptable. How are you at getting a shower? Who goes first? Does he just go? Do you announce it? "Hey watch kids I'm off to wash". Something more innocuous will tell you more. If you lay groundwork to get in the shower there's something undiscussed that needs to be.

CafeAuLaitMerci · 30/07/2014 22:27

It's not a healthy relationship lovely. It's really not.

As others have said (but I think you need to hear it again and again!!) he's either in need of help (to deal with his past) or he's a controlling bastard, either way it's not down to you to stop living your life to 'keep him happy'.

How long have you been together?

BellaVita · 30/07/2014 22:30

I have never asked permission neither has he but we do say to each other "is there anything planned for x date? If not I will be going out with the girls/going on a night out". I think that is the courteous thing to do.

thestamp · 30/07/2014 22:32

my dh works evenings and we haven't got much help with the children, so we do have to "ask permission" (as in, have you got a free evening, can you cover the evening, etc.), but not insofar as "please sir may i leave the house", iyswim. more logistics. if we were cleverer we would use a calendar of course.

catkind · 30/07/2014 22:32

How permission? I'd say "Is it okay if I go and do xxx on yyy date," he'd say "yes" or "sorry I have a late meeting that day" or "you doofus, that's when we're in France". If he said no without good reason then I'd challenge it though. So it's not exactly asking permission.

Your DH "reason" is thinner than thin isn't it? If someone said something and he trusts you then he'd know they were making it up. So actually he doesn't trust you. Or possibly he's being a wimp about being left looking after the baby and making excuses for it? Is he used to looking after your child on his own? Whatever it is I think you could do with sitting down and talking it out.

Sorry if I missed it upthread, but does he go out without you?

catkind · 30/07/2014 22:34

Sorry if I missed it upthread, but does he go out without you?
Oops yes now I see he doesn't.

crazylady321 · 30/07/2014 22:35

Not had a night out since living with my partner so not had chance to be in the situation really, im going out this saturday for a birthday meal with a few friends. Havent asked just told him this is whats happening my kids are with their dad so dont have to worry about them.

I guess once have baby and I get chance to go out I will run it past him purely as I will need him to be with baby and if hes got an early shift the next morning wouldnt be fair of me to leave him. Would expect the same courtesy off him aswell

ashtrayheart · 30/07/2014 22:35

I don't ask permission but I will mention it seeing as he will be home with the children so I need to check he is here!

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