Do you ask for permission to go for nights out with friends?

[moonshine123]

Just out of curiosity does anyone ask for permission from Partner or Husband etc for going on nights out with friends, girls nights out etc? x

[morethanpotatoprints]

he really has no idea how I think or feel
I would say this is the problem.
You need to tell him, how else will he get to know you.
It sounds like you are living a lie.
Do you know how he feels about stuff, or does he just sulk.

[Jayne35]

I remember that feeling Moonshine, my exh wasn't abusive in any other way, just jealousy and possessiveness which is awful to live with, especially the pathetic sulking and ignoring me if I was going out. Just tell him it's a 'girls' night out with work colleagues and that you are going. Good luck

[moonshine123]

Mood is coming and going, sometimes I can just tell by the look on the face without him even saying something!

Can feel like a scorned child x

[LilyandGinger]

My DH checked last week if he could go out tonight, I said sure but you need to be sober enough to do xxx on Saturday morning.

I checked that he wasn't working so I could arrange a night out with a friend next week. He said great I can watch that dreadful film you didn't fancy. This is normal.

I went on a hen night recently and it was posted on FB (in a nice, funny way) that I was propositioned twice during the night. My DH thought it was hilarious and said 'told you that dress looked good'. He was quite proud of me I think. At no point did he or anyone else assume that I'd flirted, kissed or in fact done anything other that what I did do (politely decline) Again this is normal.

My DH and I are a very 'together' couple we really prefer to go out together however keeping in touch individually with your friends is also important and he actually encourages me to go out more.

You need to have a serious talk with your DP. You are a grown woman, you should not be made to feel guilty for an occasional evening out. Sulking/tantrums are childish and will be ignored. If he can't accept this, then there are other decisions to be made.

[RoverClover]

Op - Listen to the posters on MN, I did and I am in the process of turning it around. I thought all marriages were like mine - they're not. I got the silent treatment, sulks, being ignored and do you know I couldn't give a shit now.

Roll in financial abuse while being a SAHM, it's still there but I've got a well paid job and I save, save, save to get the hell out of my situation.

Now I make plans with friends and just say, "I'm out on such and such a night", he'll try and work late or say he's not sure if he's around and I ignore it, he's around. The crunch came when I had made plans to see an old friend on a Saturday (made weeks in advance, on calendar) that morning he said, "he was out (doing his hobby) and I would have to pick up the children", I cancelled my friend and then mentally checked out of my marriage. Just like that, he's a twat, he'll never change, I am a possession and yes I get the, "men are only after one thing", "if you go to a night club it means you're desperate for a shag" type comments.

After 20 years of marriage I have no material possessions at all in my name. But I have 3 gorgeous children, a job I love, and now a freedom that comes with not letting him run and rule my life. If he dropped down dead tomorrow I would have to work hard to cry - and that's the saddest part of all.

The MN's mantra - "one life" is one I follow now. Take great care.

[Velocirapture]

I would always check that there was nothing else planned for that night. And he would do the same for me.

If I want to go out it generally trumps him as he goes out a lot more than I do.

We don't have any babysitters so always need to check.

[pictish]

Wrong thread there. Sorry.

[pictish]

And so handy!

[pictish]

Good advice Ribena.
Call it like it is OP.

He will swiftly make this issue about him, and how you don't want him to come, so therefore you must obviously hate him. He will play the victim in this.

This is not about that...turn it back on him "you can't bear to see me go out on my own...why are you so controlling?"

He won't like you saying that, but how he responds will be very telling. If he genuinely loves you, he will be ashamed of himself.
If, on the other hand, he's a selfish, mean spirited, possessive, contolling arse that you should run a mile from, he will react with anger or disgust, or he will mock you. If he has a tantrum, verbally abuses you or activates his phasers to stonewall, you may be quite certain that he is no good at all.

[Ohwhatfuckeryisthis]

Don't be silly. We would also check with each other in case anything was planned, but-he's not my dad and I'm not 15.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

I have just said I have been asked out next week to a birthday party with people I work with, will it be ok? He asks do I want him to come too, I dodged the answer as I don't, I want time out just me!! Silent treatment and huff happening right now, gone all quiet making me feel like I have done something wrong?? Really, I just want to live!!

You are going about this the wrong way.

You say 'what are you doing next x day?'
He says 'Nothing' or 'Something'

He says 'nothing' - you say 'Excellent, I am going out with [whoever friends] to [whatever place]'

He says 'something' you say 'Ok no worries'.

You should not have to ask him to look after his own kid. He huffs, you say 'have you got a problem with me going out? Were you hoping to do something then as you just said you weren't. What's the issue? Oh, you don't want me to go out on my own? That's a little controlling don't you think?'

[hellsbellsmelons]

Stonewalling is a horribly abusive tactic.
Look it up.
It's not nice.
Tell him you are going to the party and you are going alone.
If he sulks and ignores you then he has to leave the house until he's 'over it' as you are not putting up with it anymore.

Your last post is worrying. You can't even tell him how you feel!?
That is wrong.
You are scared of him and his reaction.

I agree with PP please contact Womens Aid.
I think this relationship is more abusive than you realise!

[however]

Well then, say it.

"I'm sick of your sulking. I don't have the time or patience for it anymore."

[Dirtybadger]

He either learns to deal with it, and you go out more...or the relationship ends.

Can you see him learning to deal with it and loosening up? I can't, but I don't know him.

As others have said- serious red flag.
Even if the controlling behaviour doesn't step up, resentment will build on your part having your life shut down by him.

I didn't realise I had to "ask permission" with my exdp until after we split. At first I would just go (not living together). Then I would let him know, but go. Then I would let him know, see how he reacted...and make my decision. Mostly the reaction was sulking or petulance so I wouldn't end up going. After we lived together it was even worse. I could tell he didn't even really like me going out with work without him.

Your situation is actually worse. I didn't go out much more than you but the reason he stopped me (he never said no explicitly) was at least better. He was just insecure, needy and paranoid I didnt love him enough, I think. I would have been pretty bloody insulted to have been told it was because I was going to cheat or someone might make a move on me. I can look after myself and he can trust me (right?).

Have you ever said "no"- to him coming along? I think his response will be your answer. I don't think it would be an understanding or proportional reaction to "no thanks, I'd rather go alone" (a perfectly okay response, by the way). And I don't think he will learn to accept your independence particularly quickly -or at all-

[wigglylines]

I agree it looks like the early stages of abuse that could get much worse.

A few years in, my ex was making comments about me going out with fiends without him, and behaving so badly when we went out together that I gradually stopped accepting invites, without consciously deciding to do so, and stopped getting them too. I was becoming isolated. He hadn't been violent at that point, that came later.

By the time I left him, I'd lost several friends, lots of self-respect, tons of money and had to leave my home town to get away from him.

OP, if you're not at the point of leaving yet, watch out for him trying to control you this week. He probably won't like it at all if he feels you starting to stand up for yourself, and that his usual trick aren't working. Be careful, he may well try to manipulate you and behave terribly to get you back under his control.

Can you talk to anyone in real life about what's going on?
Posting here about what he's up to may help put it into perspective too.

I would agree with others who say to call Women's Aid.They give great advice. That can be difficult to get through to, but if you leave a message (and safe hours to call you) they will ring back.

[MrsMarigold]

We joke about giving each other "a pass" usually I ask him because I never know what his work schedule is like. Plus the kids preferred babysitter is rather expensive (£10 an hour) which can make it a very expensive night out! Not permission just notification really.

[CharlotteCollins]

Silent treatment continuing, OP? Hope it's peaceful where you are. Get out of the house and away from it for a while if you can - it gets oppressive!

[weatherall]

OP you are in an abusive relationship.

One of the first steps an abusers makes is to isolate their victim from their friends.

The 'my previous DP cheated so I worry' line is a common one used to justify his abuse.

He already has you blaming yourself for his behaviour.

If his abuse develops into violence will you blame yourself then too? Who will you turn to once he has isolated you from your sources of support?

He is controlling you now so that you won't be able to escape in the future.

Please contact women's aid to talk to a professional.

And please leave before he hurts you.

[JapaneseMargaret]

You can do this. Remember - you are doing nothing wrong.

If he wants to sulk and wallow in a passive-aggressive mire of self-pity, let him get on with it! It's his choice.

You are doing nothing wrong.

[CharlotteCollins]

So witty I had to say it twice...

[CharlotteCollins]

Sounds to me like you're getting back in touch with that backbone of yours. Hang in there, OP!

[CharlotteCollins]

Sounds to me like you're getting back in touch with that backbone of yours. Hang in there, OP!

[moonshine123]

I cant do that, he really has no idea about how I think or feel,im not sure how he would take it, cant be bothered with the sulking, I really don't have the time or patience for it anymore x

[saoirse31]

So explain to him what u just put on thread.

[moonshine123]

I have just said I have been asked out next week to a birthday party with people I work with, will it be ok? He asks do I want him to come too, I dodged the answer as I don't, I want time out just me!! Silent treatment and huff happening right now, gone all quiet making me feel like I have done something wrong?? Really, I just want to live!!