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Original poster

Staying with grandparents

27 replies

glasgowcat · 30/07/2014 19:28

I have posted a few times about my 2 year old dd who is a tricky sleeper. She was waking herself up rolling around in the cot, so moved her to a bed.

Since we did that, I have to lie with her until she falls asleep. She still wakes at night, I go into her an she rarely settles within an hour.

Lately there has been quite a lot of what can only be described as whimpering, even when I am there. She eventually settles and we go back to sleep, sometimes her dad goes in as well, but he can't get back to sleep in her bed.

Needless to say, everyone is tired, grumpy, and i find it hard to enjoy spending time with her maybe 30% of the time.

So that's the background!

I have asked my mum and dad to have her overnight, and they are concerned she might be inconsolable when she wakes and I am not there. I really really need one night where I get to sit down before 830, am not woken during the night, and pawed and rolled upon for an hour. at least not by her!

I feel guilty about even asking because I know it might be hard, and they will worry about her. I feel like I should be less selfish and be able to deal with this, but it is so relentless. I have anxiety and I feel like I am just keeping a lid on it.

I adore her, and I wish we could do it without help, but I am fucked.

So what do you think? Am I over thinking it? Should I just suck it up, and keep going, or deal with the guilt when I leave her.

OP posts:
Middleagedmotheroftwo · 30/07/2014 19:32

Leave her. I bet she'll be fine. And if she's not, you'll know not to do it again.

Busybusybust · 30/07/2014 19:36

Sorry, old-fashioned mum

here. Why don't you explain to her (she is old enough to understand) that you need your sleep and she is a big girl who needs to sleep in her bed, like a big girl). She won't like it. :shrug: just keep on putting her back into bed, over and over again, with no eye contact and no chat. Might take two or three (rather hard) evenings. Job done. No problem with grandparents. Win, win all round really?

I'm going to get crucified for this, aren't I Grin

RandomMess · 30/07/2014 19:41

Alternatively mattress on a floor in your room, you are there she has to stay in bed etc. but at least you are not decamping in the middle of the night!

Original poster
glasgowcat · 30/07/2014 19:44

Is she old enough to under stand though? She is only just 2. She is at that stage when she realises she isn't getting her own way, she will tantrum, and she is very physical. I am quite soft and emotional and I (quite irrationally) see any negative interactions as me being a bad parent.

These are negative thoughts, I know that, a hangover from PND, but at the time, they are very real.

OP posts:
fieldfare · 30/07/2014 19:47

I agree with Busy.
She's old enough now to understand.
Rapid return with minimal eye contact, a little cuddle and a kiss and just say "no, not now, it's time to be asleep".

I'd have the night off first though so your resolve is strengthened.

Gillian1980 · 30/07/2014 19:48

I agree with the above posters.

Leave her, or go and put her back to bed with no talking or eye contact.

It will be horrific the first few nights; it will feel like you're being mean and it will feel more tiring than what you're doing now. But the key is perseverance and consistency... It WILL get better eventually.

amyhamster · 30/07/2014 19:53

I think her dad should be more helpful rather than leaving it all to you !

Gillian1980 · 30/07/2014 19:53

She will probably throw humungous tantrums but she needs to learn the boundaries and that tantrums won't get her what she wants.

Try not to view boundary setting and routine as a negative interaction; it will make things more positive in the long run.

Hellokittycat · 30/07/2014 20:03

If your parents are too nervous to do it (understandable) then get dh to do it. Book yourself a budget room £29 at a premier inn or you go to your parents and leave dh to it. Enjoy the sleep!!

Hellokittycat · 30/07/2014 20:04

And I'd recommend doing that once or twice before you tackle the sleep with your dd. will give you enough energy to follow it through

Original poster
glasgowcat · 30/07/2014 20:06

amy he really does share it. I get a lie in if she is up super early, and he isn't working first thing.

I think I sometimes can't tell the difference between "distress" tantrums and the ones where she doesn't get her own way. Surely she is distressed whenever she is behaving in that way and needs someone to make her feel safe enough to calm down? Which means eye contact, and a cuddle. Or a "cuggle" as she calls it. Sorry, it's too cute.

I am aware that this post is getting whiney! Thanks for all the replies so far.

OP posts:
MaryWestmacott · 30/07/2014 20:10

I think if she's going though this stage, you need to deal with it, or ride it out, but if your parents feel uncomfortable having to cope with it, then you need to accept it's a bad time to leave her overnight.

If you need a night off, then you agree one evening when your DH isn't going to work in the morning that he'll do it, even if that means he gets no sleep, you don't do it at all, then he gets to laze in bed the next day if he needs it.

Quitelikely · 30/07/2014 20:14

She is distressed because she isn't getting her own way. Unfortunately it is our task to set boundaries and during that process tantrums will and do occur. You are in charge here, not your child. At two years old she can't really be dictating things such as this.

You can solve it, it might be hard but you just need to take a firmer approach.

morchoxplz · 30/07/2014 20:51

Busybusybust gets my vote.
You will do this eventually in desperation. Better when she is younger.
If you follow her advice to the letter you will have your problem solved in a week however hard it seems.
Just to add, you will be doing it for your DDs benefit as we'll as your own. She needs good sleep to learn and grow properly it is as important as a good diet imo.
She also needs a mummy who has energy and enthusiasm for the day ahead...not a sleep craving worn parent who loves her but feels she can't give 100%
Sleep training is tough but worth it 10 times over.
I've done it so I am qualified to have an opinion. Xxx

Finney2 · 30/07/2014 21:00

If your parents won't do it ( and in all likelihood she'd be fine with them) I'd get DH to do it, then offer to do the same for him the next night.
I know it's a very personal thing but I've never been able to leave my children distressed at night (or any other time) They were both TERRIBLE sleepers and the youngest still is.

The eldest didn't sleep more than 5 hours in a row until a week before his 2nd birthday - the same night I had DS2. However, we always just co-slept with him. I did it for 2 years then when the youngest was born my H did it. The eldest is 3.9 now and an absolutely amazing sleeper. Nightimes are always calm, never a battle and he goes down at 7 in his own bed and wakes at 8am. It's taken a long time to get here but I'm so glad we did to without any trauma. Lots of his friends who were sleep trained are still not reliable sleepers now.

You don't have to do rapid return just because it worked for other people. And I am absolutely not saying there is anything wrong with using sleep training if you are the end of your tether, just that it wasn't for me.

Original poster
glasgowcat · 31/07/2014 07:12

Ok, going to give the rapid return a try. I do think it's not fair to put this on to my parents. Rapid return tonight, as by all accounts it seems to work. Thanks for your wise old elf advice!

OP posts:
LittleMissRayofHope · 31/07/2014 11:56

I understand about the difference in tantrums. I'm lucky I guess that I can tell when she is actually distressed or in pain etc to just tantruming for her own way. We haven't moved her into a bed yet, she turned 2 last week but we are moving from sleep bags to pillows and blankets and get a few wakings cos she has uncovered herself and can't figure out how to recover.
At first she would cry and fuss for ages to come to our bed and sleep with us and would get awfully upset about being left to go to sleep alone again. But after a night or 3 of this I lost patience and simply said 'no, it's night time, cry if u like but your staying there' and would go back and settle her when she became hysterical but refused to pick her up. It took 2 nights. She is still struggling with her blanket (in this heat aswell! Crazy kid!!) but now she accepts that I'll come and recover her but that's all.

It is hard, it is devastating to an emotional person. I'm ALL emotion. I'm a real emotions come first sort of person so I understand entirely what your saying about feeling like a failure and bad person but it is a battle of wills.
Your DD is old enough to understand, you just have to show her that you mean business.
Good luck, build your energy reserve first. And be prepared to cry a lot and feel hugely frustrated but continuity is key. If you give even a millimetre, she will take a whole mile as that is you showing you aren't stronger then her will.
Stay strong once your committed

Pat45 · 31/07/2014 12:34

Another one agreeing with Busybusybust! You are not being a failure by teaching your child to sleep. You are being the complete opposite and are teaching her a great skill. It will be hard but stick with it. I did this with my DD when she was 2 and new DS arrived. It took 3 nights and on the last night she just sighed aloud and went into her bed herself. The first night she screamed so loudly I had to tell the neighbours what was going on in case they called social services. We have never looked back.

A friend of mine did it with 3 DC all at one time when they had to move overseas to an apartment in New York. She was my support when I did it. It works but it is hard. Good luck. Be strong and stick with it. Let us know how you get on.

Original poster
glasgowcat · 01/08/2014 07:09

Hmm, after three attempts to put her back in bed, her dad went in to sit with her because he was tired an had "work to do". Slightly raging that we do not have a united front. He is being banned from involvement tonight. Harrumph

OP posts:
Delphiniumsblue · 01/08/2014 07:14

You need to be consistent and make sure that neither of you gets worn down and changes tack. It is worth it- you all need sleep. You have got into bad habits and need to get out of them.

Original poster
glasgowcat · 01/08/2014 07:19

Oh little I'm glad I'm not the only soft hearted person. I wonder what she will be like when she is older. I need to woman up!

OP posts:
chaosagain · 01/08/2014 07:40

I have lots of sympathy and have been In a very similar place with too recently in moving my 2 yr old into a bed.

There's a theory that if she needs you there to get sleep, then when she comes into lighter sleep in the night, she'll realise you're not there and need you there in order to get back to sleep. Her falling asleep on her own at her bedtime is the thing to tackle, if things aren't working for you ( and sounds like they're not!).

You can do that by rapid return, or by a more gradual withdrawal, sitting on the floor by the bed for a few nights, moving further away, eventually sitting with your back to her so she has the reassurance of your presence but doesn't rely on interaction with you, then moving further away until you sit outside the door and shush if needed. I spent a good couple of weeks doing that and it slowly really helped. We now all sleep through the night.
You need a bed time routine that is really fixed and doesn't change and you need to be consistent.
For what it's worth both my kids sometimes sleep over at my MILs and behave totally differently for her than they do here, so might be worth a try for a night off. Good luck!

Middleagedmotheroftwo · 01/08/2014 09:32

We put a stairgate across DD1's bedroom door. She fell asleep on the floor a couple of times after shouting to us for what felt like ages, but was probably only about half an hour.

In the middle of the night we did the rapid return, no eye contact, no cuddles etc. It take determination but works surprisingly quickly (about a week).

The "I'm just popping downstairs to tidy up, I'll be back in 5 mins" technique works wonders too, even in the middle of the night.

DD is now a teenager, and doesn't hold it against us (doesn't remember).

however · 01/08/2014 09:42

If it's just sleep you're after, then you sleep in her bed, and let her sleep with your husband.

Otherwise you run the risk of not sleeping well due to worrying, etc.

LittleMissRayofHope · 01/08/2014 23:15

I also had to battle DH through the sleep training. He gets wound up very easily and is seriously PFB about DD. She's 2... But I swear he thinks she is 6months still!!
The rows and bickering we have over all stages of training. I've started to believe that he is simply oppositional. He can't help it. It is his nature to disagree with every method I choose!!
When I first started sleep training I did gradual retreat. She was 13 months old. I made it to the door. I then approached him about leaving the room but he kicked up such a fuss that I stayed sitting by the door.... For 5 months!! It suddenly dawned on me one night and I got really annoyed!! And just decided to do it properly and once n for all!!
Told him if he couldn't be supportive to bugger off out and I'd text him when she slept. Or he could go stay elsewhere etc. Once he saw I was serious he gave in to my way (I say gave in... He didn't have any alternatives he simply didn't want to hear her crying and was tired so impatient) and supported me. Now I know how to handle him.

But DD knows he's a soft touch. If she can't get what she wants from me it's straight to daddy... 'Daddy I'm hungry I want a biscuit' he'll give her a biscuit where as I'd give her a banana....
You have to be united and if you start he can't undermine you. That is totally unfair childish behaviour from him.
Hope it went better tonight Thanks

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