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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Wits end -Scared

16 replies

Spirymega · 30/07/2014 17:00

Currently on mat leave for a year, after a very traumatic birth; we have a lovely son, who is only 16 weeks.

However my husband has dropped on me that he has handed his resignation just like that - with no other job to go to. We recently bought a new house 5mnth prior. So still getting used to all the finances etc..
We had spoken about it at length in the past - i.e.: don't leave without nothing else to go to.
The reality of this is - On my mat package i won't be able to pay the mortgage yet alone the bills.
I feel resentful and stressed that i can't enjoy my mat leave as due to his selfish way of just jacking it in.
He said his reasons where that he has had enough and it was ripping his soul out.
Last month of work will be august.
I am secretly stressing i try and talk about it and all that i get it have faith in me I will sort it out?
Don't know what to do!

OP posts:

Nomama · 30/07/2014 17:24

Take a deep breath.

His mess, his task to sort it out. He must have really hated that job... no-one in their right mind would take that decision in your situation lightly.

So yes, selfish, but probably at his wit's end too.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/07/2014 17:30

I would stop secretly stressing and tell the silly bugger to get right back in there, ripped soul and all. Remind him you made a joint decision and he's gone back on it. How can you have faith in someone to do anything when they don't even keep their promises? Disgusting.

MrsWolowitz · 30/07/2014 17:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nomama · 30/07/2014 18:07

Really? Disgusting? Outrageous?

And you can just discount his feelings?

Yes, he may just have thrown his rattle of the pram and acted selfishly, but is it necessary to tell a brand new mum that her obviously unsettled DH is disgusting?

OP, you need to tell him how angry, frustrated, scared you are. But you also need to listen to his reasoning and try to put aside your fears and support him in putting back together what his actions have torn apart.

You say you have spoken about it before... is there a chance that you have missed a signal? Maybe he tried to say something and couldn't... and now has reached burn out. I don't know, but you might!

He has said have faith. You are entitled to tell him how hard that is to do and how it makes you feel, but, in the end, you have no other choice but to leave it to him to sort.

You only really have 2 choices, continue to resent him and work yourself up about it, or take a very deep breath and support him in working it out.

And stressing yourself won't change the job outcome, but it could make you ill.

I know, simple to say, stating the bleeding obvious. But I really don't think the 'He's a bastard' posts are helpful right now!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/07/2014 18:18

I think going back on a promise is disgusting, yes. Especially when it lands an entire family without a source of income and stressing a pregnant woman into the bargain. It was accepted and understood that he wasn't enjoying his job - no-one's discounting his feelings in the slightest - but he promised to get something else before quitting and it's a selfish and irresponsible act to have gone and done otherwise unilaterally.

Nomama · 30/07/2014 18:19

Sorry Cog, but OP needs advice, not an essay on how, in a perfect world, he would have acted. That horse has bolted....

GrainDeMalice · 30/07/2014 18:20

What Cogito says. How is he proposing to keep you all? Can you go back to work earlier OP?

GrainDeMalice · 30/07/2014 18:22

Hating your job is not a reason to jack everything in. If he was really ill or something, I could forgive him.

Nomama · 30/07/2014 18:24

And that, Grain, is my point. We don't know. OP might.

We should, imo, be supporting her to work this out with the least hassle to herself, not helping work her up into a LTBfest!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/07/2014 18:28

Who said 'LTB' or is writing essays? Maybe read what people write rather than making up your own story? I'm sympathising with the OP and suggesting a solution ie. He's only just handed in his resignation and with a bit of arm-twisting and some luck it may not be too late to retract it.

Nomama · 30/07/2014 18:32

Read me again... working up to...

And I didn't understand that from your post, maybe OP didn't either

get right back in there - I read it as get out job hunting NOW rather than go back to work and retract your resignation if you can!

Twinklestein · 30/07/2014 18:44

It's not just selfish it's downright imbecilic. I'm not surprised you're stressed. He's landed you with a mortgage you can't pay.

But it's his mess to sort out. And if he ends up doing a job he likes even less faute de mieux, he will have plenty of time to reflect on his foolishness.

Quitelikely · 30/07/2014 18:50

Scary times, especially for a new mum. I can only imagine that something in his workplace was intolerable. Do you know what was so bad?

The pressure is on him now to find a new job. I suppose he thought anything would be preferable to what he was doing.

Looks like you have no choice but to ride it out.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 30/07/2014 18:51

If this job really was "ripping his soul out" the last thing he is likely to do is try and retract his resignation. Few employers ever accept them anyway. He needs to spend his every waking moment in securing another job.

OP: there really isn't anything practical you can do other than have faith that he'll sort it out. I think he's a bloody fool and you probably do too but all you can do now is believe him that he'll find another job by the end of August.

Rowgtfc72 · 30/07/2014 20:42

Dh left his secure job when did was four weeks old. He said he couldn't stay there any longer. He spent the next day looking for work, 48 hr's later he was doing a crappy job with crappy hours. A week later he started the job he's been in for seven years now on almost double the money of the first job. I was crapping myself too but hadn't taken on board dh didn't like his job and he had no intention of leaving me and dd without.

grumpasaur · 30/07/2014 21:02

Spiry, poor you!! What a horrible bombshell to take in.

I think that the advice you were given upthread is really good. I understand that your DH's decision has left you feeling anxious and overwhelmed and obviously concerned about your family.

I suspect your DH didn't make the situation lightly, though, and that perhaps a combination of male PND (it happens more often than people realise), lack of sleep, and whatever final straw happened at work today to make him resign, means that he is at his wits end too.

If this was my DH, that decision would be so grossly out of character that, although I would want to grab him by the ball sac and drag him back to work so i could have some peace, actually, I think this would be pretty short sighted.

As hard as it is- come together on this. Hear him out. Find out what his plans are. Let him know that his mental health is also important to you, but you as a couple need to think pragmatically about how you will be able to meet the bottom line until he gets into a better position.

Finally- on a practical note, will your mortgage lenders offer you a few months of interest only on your mortgage, to take the pressure off?

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