Why I feel so undeserving?

[GoMe]

I am not sure if my problem is low self esteem as I am really happy with the way I am and I realise my life is the way it is because I have always made bad choices.
I am not sure if my problem is low confidences as I am a very confident person even though I am introspective and like to be left alone.

My problem is I think I keep sabotaging myself and I feel guilty whenever I achieve something good, get a compliment, look nice, buy something expensive (so I always end up returning the item)...etc. I feel guilty and suspicious when people want to be around me and meet me and my blood runs cold when people calls me and wants to talk to me. I wonder why I am wanted? I even feel resentful at my husband and my daughter (to a certain the degree) for loving me and being affectionate...

What is the cure?

Maybe the 'bad choices' you say you always made are the key? I'm speculating a lot but if you have any kind of chequered history and you believe in the concept of natural justice (religious upbringing?) then you might feel that at some point there will be a knock on the door and you'll be told that there's been a bit of a mistake and it's all going to be taken away.

There's a thing known as 'Impostor Syndrome' which sometimes affects people who have moved up socially/economically. That feeling that one day they will be found out and exposed as a fraud.

If it's just a mild feeling of not deserving happiness then you might be able to find workarounds. If it's affecting your ability to enjoy your life then you should probably talk to a GP. Depression/anxiety/stress are other possibilities

Bad choices in a sense of going to bad schools (yes my mum let me chose and I kept swapping schools and deliberately choosing the easiest ones even though I was intelligent and able - not in the UK - I threw away expensive private education to state education where teachers wouldn't even show up)

Bad choices with men, always had really bad men in my life. Eventually I found my husband who also has some issues as no one is perfect, but seems better than the others I had before.

I had the choice to improve myself financially, opened my own business and sabotage it by charging well below than I should have and bending backwards to please clients for little reward until I got burnt off and now I am closing my business and starting a new job from the very bottom despite my qualifications.

I sabotage my studies by not doing the best I could. I am doing courses right now.

And I sabotage my appearance. I know I could do so much better and 99% of the time I make an effort to dress down and make my hair look awful. I go shopping and I try on so many nice garments and end up leaving empty handed or with something awful. Then I feel resentful at myself when I see people around me taking care of themselves when I should be doing the same.

Also I refuse to learn how to drive and buy a car because "it is not for me". "Who do I think I am, thinking I can drive a car and own one?" "Don't I know my place?"

If you threw away an expensive private education are you from a wealthy background? If your mum kept letting you choose different schools, I wonder what was driving that decision. You can hardly blame yourself for making poor choices - you were a kid. Adults should be steering children, not letting them do as they please. Were your parents very indulgent or neglectful generally? Were you a very unhappy child? Were there problems at home? Did you feel you didn't fit in either at home or at school? Did you feel loved, secure etc?

Would you describe yourself as lazy?

I would describe myself as a procrastinator. I am not sure if I sm lazy as I have loads of energy but it is a felling of not be bothered sometimes.
Also, with studies for example, I cant 'get' stuff and produce very quickly compared to others so I leave it last minute.

Yes, I could say I had a provileged background in a very dysfunctional family.
My mum would let me make my own choices as she was all about an "alternative" parenting.... We can read it as neglect. I didn't starve phisically but perhaps emotionally.

My dad was there in presence but tottaly unavailable.
They were both selfish, and I just realised it after becoming a parent myself. But I know I must move on. They were young and probably doing the best they could. And they had a lot of issues both coming from dysfunctional families themselves.

I didn't have any problems at any school, always happy, with friends etc.

I guess from an early age I was perceived as a black sheep. Apparently a sensitive healthy baby whilst my older sister (14 monthd older) had been easy going but sick.
I was just a rebel as a child and teen. My sister was the brainy people pleaser. My brother, the youngest, the spoiled brat.

Sorry I meant that when studying I can GET stuff quickly when people process the info slowly.

Are you sure you were really that much of a "rebel"? Or is it family myth: you were told by others that you were difficult, and accepted it as truth.

Because someone who bends over backwards for others does not sound like a difficult rebel to me! More like someone who was browbeaten into believing she is undeserving.

Would you consider counselling, to talk through these issues that are troubling you with an impartial, trained professional?

I used to bend over backwards to clients but I realised I was just looking for approval and professional reassurance. I am now correcting this.
Not sure if I was a true rebel or not but people always said they wouldn't be surprised at anything off that happened to me as I was - in their opinion- a bit wild. I went a bit off rails as a teen whilst I should be concentrating in studies.
Funnily enough now, I have a stable life whereas my sister is the unstable one

I am a very confident person even though I am introspective and like to be left alone.

It is possible to be confident at the same time as being an introvert. I too thought of "imposter syndrome" reading your post, but my main thought is that this belief, "I'm not good enough" is a very deeply held one which was probably imprinted on you before the age of 3. What do you think?

I think you're describing self-loathing rather than self-esteem. Rebellion can be a positive thing - asserting your personality in a world that doesn't make a lot of sense etc - or it can be a massive attention-seeking exercise. Or it can come from feeling like an outsider & not belonging anywhere.

I heard an interview with the wonderful Alison Moyet recently and some of what you're saying rang a bell. You should read this as I think you'd find there were some parallels. She even wonders if she has/had ADHD. Counselling could probably help you

Definitely counselling will help you. You are like someone failing to thrive. You have all the ingredients to be happy but something is getting in the way. Your life will go so quickly that you cannot waste a minute feeling so negative. Local colleges run counselling courses and they are a cheap way ( if you are strapped for cash) of getting access to a way of thinking that may change your life. I am sorry to be a sort of 'Jehovah Witness' about this, but going on one helped me so much. I think position in a family is also significant and I do think we are cast in certain roles by our upbringing and then we start to believe that that is our role. I had a elder sister( the clever one ) and a younger brother ( the much wanted son and the baby). Some children can disappear within a family and end up feeling they are worthless or the rebellious one. Do you think this happened to you? You have had some really good advice from MN so now all you need is a plan. Sitting around waiting for others to change is a waste of space, as only you can change yourself.