My mum never seems to 'get it'

[BetteDavis01]

I'll try and explain myself as clearly as possible!

I have posted here before about my emotionally abusive childhood. My father was a nasty bully who made me thoroughly miserable as a child and he got worse as I got older. Whilst all this was going on, my mum would make excuses for him or would get us both in a room together to try and 'resolve' our differences. My 'father'. Would give me the silent treatment for up to two weeks. My mother would just carry on as normal during all this. As I've got older and become a parent myself, I realise how fucked up this all was.

Fast forward to now, my parents have now been divorced for ten years and my mum had got a new partner who seems ok. What I am struggling with though, is my feelings towards my mother and her inability to confront or deal with any emotion.

I remember being bullied a school in infants and she told me later that she didn't go up to the school as she thought it would make it worse. I was 5, ffs!

She doesn't really support me emotionally, although she does help out a bit financially. If I have an issue, she just brushes it off. She can never offer a POV or advice. She will not discuss my childhood, she just shuts the conversation down. She will not acknowledge my awful childhood.

I didn't feel safe or secure as a kid, I remember having insomnia and OCD, was never taken to the doctor. I was clearly an anxious child, when I look back.

My mother lives in a world where everything is solved by going on a shopping trip or having a slice of cake. Well it's not, is it?

I feel very angry towards her, in actual fact more so with her than my father who I have been NC with for five years. She just doesn't seem to 'get it'. She never has.

Don't know why I'm posting really but I need to get this out of my system. Thanks for reading x

Op I guess your mum will always be in denial about her role in your upbringing. You sound like you'd benefit from the support of the 'stately homes' thread.

I'm sorry for you that your childhood was so rubbish. Bullying from all corners sounds like the worst.

I totally understand you want to confront your mother and have her change everything. But she is very mired in denial which is a very hard thing to break. Its incredibly unlikely you'll ever be able to change her or obtain any acknowledgement for how bad your childhood was and for her involvement in it.

That does not mean your feelings are not valid and important because they are. I would suggest finding a counsellor to talk to (trust me, it really helps) and continue to talk on here if that helps. The only person who won't listen is your mum, I'm afraid.

By talking about it she would have to accept her part in your unhappy childhood, and it seems she just doesn't want to do that. Or it sounds like she would just deflect it all and take no responsibility at all.....

So I am not sure you would gain the closure you feel you need, which doesn't mean you shouldn't try (which is what your mum is hoping for) get in a room, just the two of you and talk... And don't feel guilty if there are tears, your mum was an adult and chose her life, you were a child and had no such choice.....

Good luck.....as another poster said, you have at least learned from their behaviour and are a better parent to your children, which is surely what any of us try to do, take the best of our patents example and change the parts we didn't like....

I agree with everything lotta said.

I am going through counselling at the moment and I am finding it quite helpful, I must say. It feels terribly self-indulgent to be spending all this time (and indeed, money) going through my own feelings, but I think my young family will benefit from me not being so fucking angry with her anymore (as will I).

As for keeping the enabling parent in your life, there are various factors to consider. It's painful enough dealing with the crapness of one parent without acknowledging that the other was shit too; you kind of cling onto the remaining parent because you don't want to be bereft even if they are both crap.

Also, the social factor of other people's approval is difficult to counter. Even my dad and sister (who were THERE, FFS) had started to treat me as if I were being unreasonable for still finding it hard to be around my once hyper-critical, domineering mother once she had apologised (using the words 'I'm sorry' and crying but not actually saying anything else or providing any sort of explanation at all and not engaging in any further conversation on the topic, btw). I felt like the world was gaslighting me and that I must just be imagining that I had wanted to kill myself pretty much since the age of 11. That's not even hyperbole.

Sigh.

On the positive side, one of my friends did successfully drag her mother into counselling, had it out and the mother actually made an effort to improve matters. They have a decent relationship now. It takes effort on all sides but can work. Be prepared for accusations of immense cruelty for calling her to task though.

I echo what other posters say about treading very carefully when considering confronting your mother about your childhood. It sounds like you badly want to be heard and for her to acknowledge how you suffered, and her role and your father's role in that. She's your mother, you know her well - do you think she would actually be able to hear you? Really listen to what you have to say, empathise with you, see things from your point of view, acknowledge her wrongdoing and apologise sincerely for what she did and then put time and effort into trying to heal your relationship together? Not many people are capable of this kind of emotional work, especially not people who, as you said, think that all life's problems can be solved with shopping and cake.

Protect yourself. Put yourself first. Of course there are things that you want from her, but ask yourself seriously if you have a reasonable prospect of getting those things from her. If the answer is no, that's extremely hurtful and very sad, but it may be a better decision for you to not go there regarding confrontation.

I have similar issues with my mother OP.
I'm sorry you had such an awful time.

I have little or no contact with mine now. It suits me.
Like you said to outsiders she's kind, sweet, all giving. It's all a facade.

The reality is she's selfish, manipulative and the queen of rewriting history to suit herself.

I can't change her, I can't change the past.
I can educate myself, train myself not to react to her mind games and develop a healthy relationship with my own children.

Don't dwell on her and what she should have done. Strengthen yourself and rise above it. It will eat you up if you let it.

Take care of yourself.

i agree with what ginni has said as harsh as it may sound - all this was in the past - you cannot change it - you cannot change what both your father and mother done. its time to move on and not dwell on it, it will only eat you up.

all you can do is be the best parent you can be to your own children. there will be things you do in life and when your children grow up they will question why you did things a certain way - everyone goes through it to a greater or lesser degree. be strong, look to the future and don't worry too much about the past.

'Move on and don't think about the past' doesn't work for everyone or counsellors and psychotherapists would all be out of work! For me, it was the trying to 'move on' and deny my feelings that was eating me up. I'm still in the process of working through all the feelings that I wasn't allowed to have when I was growing up, but that were still there. It's like trying to unravel a huge messy ball of wool - its frustrating and feels endless at times but the breakthroughs are completely worth it.

OP, obviously you are a very different parent to your children, and wouldn't dream of treating them the way your parents treated you, and that is a great thing. But life is not only about your children - you deserve to be happy as a person in your own right. You are more than just a mother so stay with your feelings if that feels right for you and don't be urged into 'moving on' and focusing only on your children. I hope that makes sense - I guess what I'm saying is that you have to find your own way through this.

"you deserve to be happy as a person in your own right"

Deserving to be happy is fair enough but not always possible, especially if the source of the unhappiness is something over which you have no control. Now you can keep going back to the source like a bluebottle at a window pane, banging your head against it, hoping it'll eventually give way but I think all that adds is frustration to the unhappiness.

Moving on and not thinking about it may not be appropriate in some cases but in others it's exactly the right way to get some relief from the obsessing. As with all traumatic experiences it's a question of changing the things you can change, accepting the things you can't change and having the wisdom to know the difference.

It's a process though, cogito, I don't think you can just decide, with all the hurt and rage bubbling under the surface, to put a lid on it. You have to get there. Or you can put a lid on it and decide to check out and eat cake.

You've described my mother OP. I still see her (and my atrocious bully father) because they're old, but it's like stepping into an airless crack in an underwater cave. Does my head in and I can't take it for long. My mother has a denial forcefield around her - and in it she sits.

I have - at last - accepted she is as she is, copious therapy later, but it isn't easy even now. If she had Alzheimer's it would be similar, I imagine: a tiny world that goes round and round, is as bland as you can imagine. It is pitiful. But she can also be vicious if her forcefield is remotely threatened. In therapy circles people like this are called sick, and that about sums it up.

I'm sorry you had such a shit time as a child. I now know that my mother had an equal hand in the abuse I suffered as a child from my father - it's hard to take. She could have saved me but she simpered around her brute of a husband...

It's not easy.

It is a process springy, and a bloody painful one as you say. It feels very tempting sometimes to put a lid on the feelings rather than go through the hell of processing them. And of course, children who grew up in emotionally abusive homes are usually very well trained to ignore their own feelings, that having their own feelings is wrong and shameful and to put everybody's else's feelings before their own. So old habits are hard and very painful to break.

It's quite possible your mother was abused by your father herself and her behaviour was/is conditioned by that.

Have you considered this?

I have a similar situation myself, though I am further along the line than you. I received psychotherapy which really helped. My mother and myself get on much better now my expectations of her have changed.

Or CONFUSED by feelings that don't follow the family script - strange, unfamiliar, frightening. We need validation with these 'unfamiliar' feelings IMO, not 'well she did the best she could' which sounds too much like more of the family denial script.

some will never ever deviate from that family script and will even tell you you are a liar and insane if you have the audacity to try and talk about reality and things that actually happened in reality but have been erased from the family script.

it is horrific, gaslighting, unsettling, it kind of denies you any sense of reality or ownership over your own history etc etc etc.

imho it is best to walk away from what hurts when it is very clear that it will never change.

after nearly a year of non contact i attempted to sit down and talk to my mother the other day about moving forward and the possibility to maybe see her grandson if we could agree a few boundaries. she used the time to do her usual rewriting of history (which we weren't even there to talk about) and her litany of everything that always was, is and always will be wrong with me.

even after nearly a year away from it and healing myself etc it was horrific and so hurtful to be exposed to again and i'm still shaking off the damage done a couple of days on.

focus on yourself and your family and working out what you missed and how to give it to yourself now as an adult. i would say give up expecting her to change or be a part of that healing and focus your energy on you. i know its hard believe me. the easiest way to do it is to cease being around the source of the pain and all the reminders. if someone is still behaving in a way that keeps you locked into feeling how you felt as a child or being triggered back to feeling that way you need to move away from them.

Yes yes to 'validation' springy - such an important word. It's so frightening to feel that you are stuffed full of feelings which other people don't understand and won't allow you to feel.

And yes to 'the family script'! Everyone must play their role and stick to their lines and join in with creating an alternative reality. You have to keep reminding yourself of what is really going on. How extremely messed up

Before we get to considering what may or may not have gone into our parents' behaviour, I think it is crucial to focus on and validate our feelings about what was meted out to us. As children on the end of it we were silenced, not just physically but psychologically: we couldn't even think those feelings let alone feel them. Its important to feel them, to cover the ground, the development, that we were barred from as children. Those feelings, as they emerge, can be, usually are, frightening and very threatening - not least because they are unfamiliar. Hence a trained professional to 'hold' us, without an agenda , as we make our way through them, make up the developmental ground we lost out on; while at the same time, coping with, and being supported and nurtured in, the pain the truth brings up.

We don't need people minimising or excusing our abusers or the abuse. IMO one does get to the point, eventually, of considering the wider picture, but it's important to validate, nurture, that child who had no support at the time. If you were abused as a child it's an essential rite of passage IMO.

Oh yes, honey, i am considered the 'mad' one in the family - to the point that they all share downloaded MH DX between them, trying to find out which one I'm clearly suffering from. Schizophrenia is the latest, apparently.

I don't think it's hugely helpful to comment about how it must have been hard for the OP's mum too, or how she couldn't have coped any differently because of who she is. Ultimately that's what you have to accept, as a child who was let down by their parents - that what happened happened, that all you have the power to do now is to be your own caretaker and alter your expectations of your parents to protect yourself a bit from future hurt. But IME, you can only do that after you have had a bloody good go at voicing the anger and having it validated by someone else (in my case a therapist, which I absolutely recommend).

OP, you are right, it was shit and wrong and it should not have been that way. I doubt she is going to get it. You may be able to work through this to the point where you can stop needing and hoping for her to get it - it is fucking hard, though.

I really do support counselling for dealing with some of this.

Agree Branching and flappity. For me it was all just too dark and scary to go through alone and I needed professional help with how to feel the feelings it brought up

Bette, my childhood was kind of similar. My dad had a lot of issues and my mum put him first - I had to tread on eggshells and make myself invisible so they could have 'space to be a couple'. He was very abusive yet they would regularly have romantic evenings together downstairs whilst my brother and I had to stay in our rooms. They said they wanted some time to 'forget' they were parents. Then, as I grew older my mum used me as a confidant for her marital problems. I felt we were very close at the time (almost like we were sisters, or victims together) - but since I had my own children I am questioning many, many things...

My dad died when I was 20. A few years later my mum moved to the other side of the country with her new husband, and she has become quite isolated now from her friends and family. She tells me how depressed/unhappy she is whilst also telling me of the romantic holidays and gifts her husband buys her. She really doesn't get the idea that she is a person in her own right, so I can kind of see why she hasn't been able to be there for me as a mother - although that doesn't make my own feelings of hurt and anger any less valid or all-consuming. Especially as I have a child with SN, for whom I am fighting with all my strength.

Sorry for the mini hijack, but my mum is coming to stay tomorrow and I'm not sure how I'll get through it, so I will be watching this thread...

bette moving on works for some people, but for others they can't reach a peace until they've faced the bubbling cauldron of rage. Your own gut instinct should tell you which sort of person you are and it sounds like you're the second.

Which leaves the problem of how to deal with the blinding fury.

Honestly, skilled therapy can help. it's not the answer for everyone and it really doesn't cure it, but it can help you face the whole thing in a way that in the long run does help a lot.

the other thing is the practical ways of dealing with that anger. For some people anger that is too intense can seep out into their relationship with their children or other people, dunno if you find that happening? If you don't then great. if you do, then as well as skilled therapy, can you talk to your husband or to a (highly trusted) friend or two? Just as important, finding ways of dealing with it helps, such as running when you are angry, or the gym, or swimming. Writing it down in a letter never to be posted helps some people. Or drawing. Punching a cushion.

Giving yoruself space and time to be angry can help defuse it. Also, yeah, understanding the other person's motivatoins helps ... a bit. Not fully because it can't undo the damage, the letdown, but it helps the adult side cope a bit better.

I get angry that she just seems to float through life in her happy bubble whilst I'm left feeling angry and hurt at the way I was treated. I am scarred by it, I suppose.

I guarentee you that she's not in a healthy happy bubble. Previous poster put it well that people can live apparently like that but actually, that 'happy bubble' is floating on a sea of lava. People who are genuinely happy don't refuse to look at things the way she does. I mean, there's dwelling on stuff to the point of destructiveness. But there's also shutting out anything that is unpleasant no matter how awful it is, when the right and healthy thing is to face them.

By the way why are you more angry with her than with your father ? Because you expected more from her?

Currer, sending you strength - I'm seeing my parents this weekend and dreading it too. Hope it goes ok.

My mother used my sister and I from about age 10. It was an inversion of the normal parent child dynamic and seriously unhealthy. It made us feel responsible for her happiness and wellbeing and messed up our own attitude to relationships. Oh and poisoned us against our dad. Nice.

Should say 'used us as marriage counsellors'

OP i hope you're ok - you've disappeared - if it's because of the 'get over it' crew try and see that there are loads of us on a very different crew and here for you.