So desperate

[Onmyownwith4kids]

It's nearly a year since I discovered my husband's affair. He completely followed the script described on here. Begged to come back, I was his soul mate, love of his life etc. but he was still carrying on with her. Divorce underway. I have been forced to spend thousands on legal fees. He's contesting everything funded by his rich father. I know the advice on here was right. Leave him, he was hideous. But a year on. He's got some other woman saying he's wonderful. I've got no money as I'm fighting for the house I paid for, the kids think he's great as he buys them things I can't afford. My 8 year old daughter today said she'd like to live with him as he buys lots of loom bands, I feel worthless. Just back from a holiday I had to fund from eBay sales and he's still considered the better parent. Should I just accept that maybe I just wasn't good enough. Maybe she's a better parter to him and would be a better mother to them. I feel so inadequate. Everyone else posts triumphant posts a year on. Great lives, better men etc but I just feel I've moved on saddled with legal debt trying to compete with him
And his partner for the kids. Does it ever get better?

It will get better. It sounds like you have been through a really terrible time. Children can be superficial sometimes, but when it comes down to it they will know that you are a great mum regardless of what you buy for them. And if he cheated before, he will do so again. She may think he's wonderful now, but it won't last.
It is him with the problem not you.
Just focus on you and doing nice things with the kids. It may take a while but it will get better. Just try to think about you and try to forget about him (although I know it isn't easy when you have to be in constant contact.
Could you get some counselling? I saw someone from Relate for a while after my break-up and it really helped me focus on what was important and learn how to look after myself and my kids.
Sending a big hug.

When your kids are older they will see past the loom bands and the trips to Alton Towers. They will see who cared for them, who was there for them, who loved them. They will remember that Dad was always too busy to listen to their problems, but Mum wasnt.

Kids are easily bought when they are young, but as they grow they see what has true value. Hang on in there xx

And remember "If you marry the man who cheats on his wife, you are married to the man who cheats on his wife"

Their happy ending wont be so happy soon.

How are you OP?

Kids are fairly fickle in that they will like anyone who buys them loom bands.

I think you need to keep things in perspective that dealing courageously with lack of funds brought on by a cheating arsehole ex does not make you a bad parent, quite the opposite.

He is the crap parent, ditching a wife and 4 kids for a shag, then buying their affection to make up for his appalling behaviour.

Loom bands come and go, a mother who will sell stuff on ebay to take her kids on holiday is for life.

Would your ex even want 4 kids cramping his new style? I highly doubt it. Your daughter is probably facing a painful road of lack of input from her dad.

Oh op have a big hug. You are so strong for leaving him and you are moving on, maybe not the way you want right now but you've chosen better for yourself so you have moved on.
Your kids will see past all the things he can buy. No one can replace you, please don't give up. It WILL get better.

Kids say things without thinking, I guarantee if push came to shove they'd all stay with you.

Money is not everything, kids want love and attention, is he really giving them this more than you, doubt it.

And, yes, it will get better, don't let him continue to bring you down, he sounds vile.

An unfaithful man that lies, makes false promises and then uses Daddy's money to bring the mother of his DCs to her knees financially is NOT the better parent... no matter how many loom bands he buys a little girl. He's a vindictive little shit and one day the DCs will realise that.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that everyone else is skipping into the sunset after a year with someone new. It's not a Hollywood Rom Com, it's real life and it's bloody tough. Appreciate yourself and good luck

Sorry you are going through this OP. I can understand the despair when you run yourself ragged looking after kids through all of this yet with a few throwaway comments they can make you feel it's all pointless and not worth it. I've had very similar, it hurts but you have to remember they don't understand and won't until they are older and able to view it from an adults perspective. Hang in there, they will also be your comfort through this even though it is hard to see it with all the stress.

A word of advice re solicitors...my ex contested everything too and I was back and forth with letters flying between solicitors ad it ate right into the final house settlement. Please ignore his 'contesting', discuss with your solicitor your options and entitlements and then ignore all until the court date. There is no need to jump to it each time he deems to contest or argue the toss, this will cost you dearly in the end. I learned the hard way and if faced with the same again would have only used a solicitor to cover the bare minimum. Representing yourself is another option, I wish I had done it as it would have been empowering but didn't feel I had the mental strength at the time, which may be the case with you too.
Be strong and fight for your rights, things will settle eventually and you will come out the other end.

Well done you for being resourceful re eBay sales! Bet it was satisfying to get a holiday from your sacrifices x

In similar postion, but now got own house so skint! DP just took me and 2x DCs on long weekend (lovely of him, still feel weird about letting him pay though). Had £20 put aside for pocket money for them each to spend, which was rather trumped previous weekend by DCs being handed £100 EACH by STBXH OW. Unhappy dot com. STBXH had just refused to pay for one week of summer camp to cover school holidays, so raging and flabbergasted

They may get lots of toys, presents, flash holidays (cruise!!!) from him, but you and I provide the home, stability and routine the DCs NEED, not unnecessary sundries provided out of guilt. So, while the DCs don't always appreciate that now due to their ages, they will in the long run.

Grit your teeth and hang in there. Of course you are "good enough" - your are doing great even though it doesn't always feel like it x

He is a twat, so eventually his balloon will burst and he will drown in his own shite. Don't give him another thought.

Thanks so much for all your wise advice. What I find astonishing is that he has been hideous. Deep down he knows that but he's acting like the hard done by party. He's constantly texting my 12 year old. He's taking him to the cinema and then to stay with them tonight. He doesn't want the younger 3 as it will be too hard. It was my 12 year old who discovered the texts his father had been sending this time last year. It upsets me that he's now off playing happy families with them. I hate the fact that she didn't care enough about my kids enough to stop carrying on with their father behind my back but now makes a big song and dance about buying them things. And relate to earlier comment about £100. I've just paid for an expensive year 8 trip. He couldn't afford to contribute but has endless money for Lego and things that make him look good. I feel like I've moved on from competing for him to competing for my children. She is desperate to marry him now and I find that ironic. How can 2 people who have shown complete contempt for marriage not feel a little uncomfortable promising to be faithful! Tempted to tell her he still tells me I look hot and he misses me ( in between wishing me dead and blaming me for his affair) but I really can't be bothered to look like the big baddie trying to destroy their true love.

He doesn't want the younger 3 as it will be too hard !!!!

Charming!!! Does he do that often? Please remember to tell your lawyer that! Do you get any time to yourself without the kids?? I just assumed he had them all....

...and sadly, some folk have no sense of shame or appreciation of irony!

Yes children can be cruel and say hurtful things, that is why they are children. What they will remember is who gave them warmth. Even before they can speak they can recognise someone who is giving them unconditional love. Let them go to your husband without argument ( leaving your door always open of course) and they will soon hightail it back. The OW is not going to be very happy about having someone else's children 24/7. You will always be their DM and you didn't leave them or have an affair. I know its hard but they will soon be able to make judgements and they will recognise your x for what he is. It is awful not having any money but whose to say, next week your situation changes ? You could meet a rich bloke who you love. That's what happened to a friend of mine who was in exactly the same position as you. ( I am not saying that you need a bloke to be happy) you don't know what is around the corner. When in a few years you are posting that his leaving you was the best thing that ever happened, we will know that you have come out the other side of a nasty dark tunnel. YOU WILL. Xx

Those poor kids
Fancy him 'leaving' the younger 3 as 'too hard'.
So they are resentful and even your older one will feel awkward about it, though he is getting the trip, it sets up a barrier between him and siblings. Thank goodness they have YOU as their other parent!

How can you doubt you are the 'better parent' when this is what you are up against? Really, don't doubt yourself. There is NO comparison.
Did you leave your younger 3 out of your holiday as they were too much hard work? No, of course not, you scrimped and saved to take them ALL on a lovely break.
Yes, while they are young, they will be swayed by material things.
But, in time, your exH is hanging himself from his own rope as regards to their long term love and affection.

He thinks he's doing fifty percent parenting. He was never good at maths and 6 hours over the last 2 weeks don't quite add up to that. I've told him they can have all 4 at their house for a weekend. He makes excuses about not enough room etc but I think him coming here all the time to see them is beginning to feel like an intrusion. Is it unfair of me to say I don't want him in the house any more. I hate it and he lets them run riot leaving me to deal with the mess when I get back

Em, no!! Tell him he can take them to his house, or the park, or the playcentre....wherever!!

If you don't want him in the house, don't have him in it.

Initially, I let STBXH stay in the marital home for his weekends with DCs (and drove about with personal documents in my car) but I soon tired of that and thankfully he rented somewhere big enough for him and kids. Sounds like your ex could afford something bigger to suits their needs.

OnMyOwn I think you are being far too nice and making this far too easy for him.

He cheated. He left. HE needs to find a solution so HE can have ALL of the DCs and spend time with ALL of them together. Would he only have played with them one at a time if he was still with you?????

You have them almost 24/7 from what you say. You need time for YOU too. I've said before, that is the only "perk" of these situations. . It's weird at first but you will learn to enjoy it, and you need time to recharge.

He sounds unhinged, in fact so does she if she thinks she's going to get a happy ever after, karma, OP, karma....

I can guarantee the dcs will be also saying things to him that cut him like a knife
"Mummy does x"
"I prefer the way mummy does it"
"We had such a great holiday with mummy"
And they are probably quizzing them intensely about what they do with you. Guilt comes out in funny ways.

Actually, you could take it all as one big compliment that they feel they have to step up to the mark to be anywhere near your standards.
And also, though it's hard, at least they are showing some love to the dcs. The worst thing ever is trying to protect them from a parent who shows no love.

Managed to wave 12 year old off cheerfully to spend the night with them. It's so hard not to spend the time imagining them all having an amazing time and plotting his escape from me. I think the affair has had a real impact. When the person you trust more than anyone lies and cheats and betrays you it's so hard to ever feel safe or secure again

Echoing the advice not to let him keep coming to your house. It's painful enough to have anything to do with people who have ripped your life apart without having to plaster on a smile for the sake of the kids as they walk through the front door. Trust, lies and betrayal aside, you cannot move on while this malicious person is still such a big part of your life.

Boundaries.

In future he sees ALL the DCs at regular times, in his own time and in his own place. You are there to facilitate, not be the fall-back sap doing all the running around and not wanting to rock the boat. Good luck