I have to go to mediation re finances with abusive stbxh

[januarycat]

It is a necessary step to sort out finances in divorce proceedings. Because stbxh won't agree to giving me any money, I have to go through mediation before we take it to court

Grounds for divorce were his unreasonable behaviour - I stated the mildest aspects of his abuse, which will be enough to get a divorce.

Not sure how to handle this, any advice would be appreciated. I really do not want to be in the same room as this man, but I need him to provide for the DCs. It's a deliberate move on his part, he will enjoy the fact that I will be very uncomfortable with this

another poster on MN was in the same position - she didn't want to be near him either (not abusive, just a lying cheating bastard) & they arrived at different times & sat in separate rooms with mediators going between them.

So your STBXH won't be able to enjoy seeing you feeling uncomfortable. Shame

Good luck

Give it a go, at least once or twice anyway.

Try to relax and don't give him the satisfaction of appearing uncomfortable, especially as you could gain financially from this.

Been there, and personally got nothing resolved at mediation (weren't there for financial reason, more communication) but hopefully you will do better. Worth a shot anyway. Remember, the mediator won't take either side and is there to try and get both parties to decided on the best possible result.

Good luck!

Thanks, I think I could handle it only if we were in seperate rooms.
Have over the past few months found out he had a 'thing' about me before we 'met'. He wasn't even on my radar. But he rented a flat just around the corner from where I used to live, opened an account at the bank I worked in, joined the same gym. He knew a lot about me. I had no clue.

I felt the same op, I had mediation with my exh who was abusive and I had an order issued on him so he couldn't contact me. My solicitor informed the mediators in Advance so they knew the set up. I sat in a different area on arriving at the mediators but did have to sit in the same room when the meeting took place. Our mediator was very good though and set the 'tone' right from the outset and calmly put my exh in his place on several occasions when he started to get irate raising his voice and waving his arms about.

It was four years ago now so I can't remember everything that was discussed. The main things were the house, car, debits, child maintenance, access, pensions, spousal maintenance, furniture a in the house, other possessions, we had either 2 or 3 sessions I can't remember which.

You will have to provide a lot of paperwork and in between meetings the mediator may ask you to do stuff such as get the house or car valued or see if you can get a mortgage yourself etc.

This is your chance to put things in place so that you can build a future for you and your dc so please do put some thought into it.

If I think of anything else I will come back.

Oh, god - I thought there would only be one meeting.
Thanks though, knowledge is power & all that.

My stbx was similar, we had to go to mediation but I requested separate rooms - no way was I sitting in the same room as him discussing issues in a civil and polite manner when he had never done so beforehe came across to the mediator as mr perfect - he didn't provide most of the paperwork requested( I gave all I was asked to)and he lied, then he got his way but nothing was really resolved,it's now between solicitors. My understanding is you have to do it to show you have tried to resolve things between yourselves. Good luck with it - ask for separate rooms if that's what you want

Separate rooms were offered to me when I did mediation recently. I didn't need it, but afaik it should be an option. Be proactive and choose the mediator yourself - I chose someone recommended by my solicitor who had a background in DV cases.

It's just such a shitty thing to go through, though, isn't it?
Thanks for replies. Makes me feel stronger & not quite so alone xx