I am in an impossible situation

[NeverMindOhWell]

I have no idea how to solve this.

I have a sister who was dating this guy, all moved v quick, engaged within a month. She then discovered he had a drink problem and asked him to leave. He didn't take this well, smashed up her house and all her possessions, did some other unspeakable things and ended up with a court appearance resulting in a fine and restraining order.

Fast forward 2 months and she is back with him. My DH and I are shocked, but it is not for us to decide who she chooses to be with and we have not said anything to her. However, my Mum is having a family BBQ at the end of the month and wants us all to be there (inc my brother). She has already welcomed this guy into her home (they are both actually living there at the moment, as sis had to leave her house due to the damage this man caused). He has no job, doesn't drive and basically hangs about my Mum's house all day.

I told Mum we would find it difficult to be there (as would my brother, who we spoke to already and he said he feels the same) and she was upset, telling me I was "splitting up the family". I said I would explain our reasons to my sis, but Mum wants to stop me doing this, in the hope that we'll all change our minds before the BBQ and it won't be necessary.

It's not just the BBQ, we are having a do for my youngest in 2 weeks' time and I am going to have to explain to sis that, whilst she is very welcome, we wouldn't feel comfortable having this guy in our home. Aside from anything else, I personally believe he is dangerous.

I can see where my Mum is coming from and I know she is just worried that her kids will end up alienated, but I think this is too serious to compromise on right now. Don't get me wrong, I don't want this to go on forever. I just cannot even bear to look at this guy right now, let alone extend hospitality to him in my own home.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

Ok so I think you need to go th BBQ and tell dsis and him what you think of him and that you love your duster and will be keeping your eye on him and you will not invited to your home home eva use of his recent past behaviour and no decent person would think think otherwise

Love your sister and because of his recent violent past

Your sister is going to go down this horrific road, that is clear, regardless what you do. Your mother is an enabler/codependent; your sister is her project (always has been?) and your sister is now an enabler/codependent herself. Do your research (alcoholism, abuse, enabling, codependence) and, armed with it (to hand out to them?), sit down with them both and spell it out. Keep completely calm, try to stay factual and not superior.

I personally wouldn't go to the BBQ to make it clear that I won't support the situation. Don't respond to your mother's folly bleating, stay resolute. Your family may well be split and the cuckoo in the nest may take your place at family functions but try to keep a relationship going with both your mother and, especially, your sister but be matter of fact on the subject of him and don't entertain her/them talking endlessly about him. Be factual, unemotional about it; warm when your relationship returns to old ground you've always shared. It's hard to pull off but try your best. Do copious research on this. It's a family illness - codependency, that is. You don't mention your dad..

Or go to the BBQ and be cold towards him. There will be an atmosphere but there we go.

Goes without saying he is not welcome at your house under any circumstances.

Springydaffs in my experience, nowhere near as serious as the OP's anything even approaching this,

"sit down with them both and spell it out. Keep completely calm, try to stay factual and not superior."

is not entertained. It's immediately shut down, followed by a withdrawal of communications for days.

The actions of abusers are always designed to isolate their victims. If you don't go, you're playing into his hands. Support your sister.

Go to the BBQ. But I wouldn't have him in my house either. No way.

Support your sister by going to the barbeque. Refuse to allow her to become isolated.

Yes vivacia but you have to give it a try, lay it out at the outset, reasons why we won't entertain situ

Yes vivacia but you have to give it a try, lay it out at the outset, reasons why we won't entertain situ

The gentle protestations I have made lead to her withdrawing. I'm not saying my method is right and your method is wrong, just that in my experience I worry about pushing her even more under his control. I try to model a healthy relationship, I try to point out how unreasonable her living conditions are and more than anything try to let her know I accept her as she is and am here for her.

It is so hard. I agree that no way is right. I am not in contact with my family so perhaps it's 'easier' for me to be cut and dried.

I suppose I don't get to actually witness family members descending deeper and deeper into the pit of relationships like this. You can appeal to them when they are teetering on the edge of the pit in the early days but once they plunge headlong in I don't think there's much anyone can do. Until, and, unless, they wake up and get out. Which is not a given, unfortunately.

Ime of people warning me about my abusive relationship, I didn't listen at the time (didn't understand/thought they didn't understand yaddyyada), I remembered what they had said with tremendous clarity once the pit had become too unbearable to sustain. I was so grateful to them for risking saying it, even if I rejected it at the time. It was a beacon for me as I made my way out.

NeverMindOhWell, I strongly recommend you to watch the Spanish movie "Te doy mis ojos" ("Take my eyes"). It deals with a very similar situation as yours and it is a brilliant movie, which may give you different perspectives and an idea of how to react and what to do. It's in Spanish with subtitles.