Need some advice for a friend

[thekingfisher]

A friend of mine told me some stuff about her reln with her 'd'h . They are comfortably off own their own businesses but she doesn't have access to the money but is given an amt each month to cover all food clothes shoes etc she is a director of some of the businesses but doesn't know what not does she have any info on the financial state of affairs.

On top of this it would seem to me that on top of the financial abuse he belittles her and is generally a really mean man.

She feels that she has no option but to stay as she has no financial capacity to leave . She has no access to financial records or other bank accounts that exist.

How can I advise her I haven't known her for very long but in that time see a little bit of her disappear each time I see her . It's no life

What are the first steps she could take - I suspect on the quiet ...

She needs to speak to Women's Aid and ask for a recommendation of a solicitor who's experienced with domestic abuse - crucially - one that has a forensic accountant. Business accounts, investments are quite complicated to unravel. But it can be done.

WA will advise her with regard to an exit strategy.

Gosh that seems quite dramatic… but I agree she needs to get someone qualified to help her. at the moment though she has essentially accepted her lot… its ver very sad to see as she is a lovely lady.

I will get numbers for her - at least to do something off her own bat confidentially at least to know what she needs to do or would do if/when she make s that decision

Thanks

To be cut off financially to the point she cannot leave is straightforward financial abuse, as is the lack of access to money and bank accounts. From your account it sounds like she's being emotionally abused too, and the two often go together. I don't know what response you were expecting, but she only has two choices: to accept the status quo or to leave. Her husband certainly isn't going to change.

WA could recommend a psychotherapist if she wanted to talk her relationship through; alternatively she could go to see a Relate counsellor alone (the latter are not so reliable). They will help her understand she has choices and she is not this man's prisoner.

Because she is married she will be entitled to a portion of the assets in the event of a split, so divorce would not leave her penniless.

Sorry my wording was off - dramatic wrong word but I had thought that wA were mostly for use in middle of the night exits and for providing refuges.

I agree that there are only 2 options for her - I fear she will continue to accept the status quo unless she can see another way and for that she has to take some steps of her own which I think is the hurdle.

Thanks for your advice - I may see her this evening so will see if I can have some time with her to chat

WA is for any women in an abusive situation, of whatever type.

An exit strategy could be from a violent man in the middle of the night, but it could also be a longer term withdrawal from an emotionally/financially abusive relationship.

Once a woman has been isolated and cut off like your friend has, she really needs support to leave & that's what WA is there for.

Women's Aid: Financial Abuse

WA give support too. She can just talk to them when she's upset or confused about him, she can get advice if she wants it, recommendations of local solicitors, all sorts - what she wants, what she needs, basically. She will call the shots with them.

I hope she does give them a ring. It is the first step to empowerment.

If she is a director then she is liable if anything happens in the business. If the business fails she will be held responsible, if the H is doing anything illegal, then she will also be prosecuted.

I'm sure I heard recently that the law was changed so that one spouse cannot use the excuse that the other spouse made them do it / didn't tell them what was going on.

She does need to deal with this asap.

What line of business is this?

Indeed, that's why my first suggestion was to see a solicitor with a forensic accountant, because this woman needs to know exactly what situation she is in, legally.

Thanks for advice and comments - didn't see her this evening but will catch up with her over the next couple of weeks -

She can download the latest filed annual accounts for the companies from the "Companies House" website if she knows the names of them or their registration numbers. it's quite easy when running a private limited company to ensure profits are kept to a minimum or all ploughed back into the business. It's possible that she's on the payroll being paid 10k per annum, so no income tax is due. Not that she will see any of it.

It sound to me like she needs to do a number of things:

See a solicitor.

Find a recommendation for a forensic accountant.

Contact Womens Aid.

She will be able to get herself out of this terrible situation if that's what she wants but she may not come out of it with a lot of money if he's astute. Inter-company loans etcetera, etcetera.

Even if it means being a bit canny on the housekeeping expenditure front it might be possible for her to stash some funds away for her escape until she can arrange for a financial settlement to be agreed.

You can put anyone's name into the search box of Companies House - if she is a Director she can enter her own name. you don't need the company name though clearly you can use this as well. If she is a director she will be listed as such and she'd have had to sign paperwork initially.

she would then be able to pay for ( around £5) a copy of the submitted accounts. she'd be able to see some details on the site anyway- such as profit and outstanding debts.

I don't know if your claim it is 'financial abuse' is accurate.
Has she said she is unhappy?
Or is that your view?

My mum is given an amount each week by my dad as housekeeping. They have a joint account and she can buy clothes etc as she wishes, but she will never buy anything for the house without his agreement and he really holds the purse strings.

I've never thought of this as 'abuse' - it's how their generation used to and still do manage their money.

It's also how some cultures behave- the subordination of women.

Does your friend fit that category?

She can easily check what companies she's a director of here:
companycheck.co.uk/director/index

I don't know if your claim it is 'financial abuse' is accurate

The fact that this woman has no access to money but an amount per month, that she is supposedly director of some of the businesses but has no idea what, that she has no information on the 'financial state of affairs', and that she cannot leave as she lacks the 'financial capacity' to do so all implies financial abuse.

Like your father, mine has given my mother housekeeping each month for the whole of their marriage, they also have a joint account. This is not in a context of financial abuse, and is thus irrelevant.

But Twinkle- surely the friend here is culpable because she's gone along with this? She would have had to sign paperwork to be a director. I am struggling to see how she has become so immersed in this without being aware of that she was doing.
I think you are overreacting- there are many spouses - male and female- who live day to day with no idea of the state of their joint finances because the other spouse takes care of it all. And this thread is full of women who want to leave but lack the 'financial capacity' to do so. How is she any different?

How has she become an adult with no earnings other than what she is given each month, no credit history ( to enable her to apply for a credit card in her own name), no bank accounts in her own name....

it just sounds very odd.

what I am trying to say is that this woman must have allowed all of this to happen over many years, and at any one time she could have asked more questions or refused to sign documents.

How has she become an adult with no earnings other than what she is given each month, no credit history ( to enable her to apply for a credit card in her own name), no bank accounts in her own name....

Erm, because she's being financially abused. If you don't know what that is go and read up on it. Perhaps then you'll know better than to claim that victims of domestic abuse are 'culpable' because they've 'gone along' with it.

We don't know from the OP's second hand account what her friend is involved in. Perhaps she's signed nothing and has simply been told she's a director. Perhaps she's signed something but has no idea what. Perhaps she knows roughly what she's signed but has no idea how to access the accounts.

Exactly. We don't know.
So maybe stop jumping to conclusions and stop being so patronising.

The OP stated clearly in her first post that her friend was being financially abused. The examples of her friend's financial affairs supported this.

If you're not interested in the workings of domestic abuse that's fine, but your uninformed comments are not helping the OP.

Sorry hadn't realised this had progressed. For obvious reasons I'm not wanting to give away too much information. However She has expressed deep unhappiness for her and her children. The children are bought fabulous stuff by the father top of the range most stuff when he fancies it. However she has an amount each month to buy all food everyday clothes for herself and children and shoe wear - she has made comments about her H claiming she's spent all the money on herself when her sons trainers broke. The amount he gives her is not sufficient for the expenses he expects her to cover. In addition, he expects out of this meagre sum to produce gourmet meals 3 nights a week (starter main course dessert wine) (she's not a great cook) and then berates her when its crap…

She is unhappy and yes she knows she has got herself into this position over the years but would appear its a gradual wearing down.
She refers to him as being 'bipolar' in that some of the time he's great but most of the time distanced, rude, mean and the whole family have to walk on eggshells. She 'lives' for the small 'up 'times

So yes she does want to leave - the financial situation is completely in his favour, the joint account has no more than the 'allowance' at any one time and he trasnfers money from 'his' accounts. she has no access to any other money other than a very small cash in hand job she is doing as a fvoutr to a friend which he is trying to get her to stop…..

she needs to go and see a family solicitor and take it from there.
She can have a legal separation before a divorce takes place and how would have to pay for her and the DCs- friend of mine refused to divorce her DH who'd been unfaithful and made him wait for 5 years - but she got a legal separation and as a non-working wife- an income, set out by the lawyers.