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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH seems to be cracking up

4 replies

howtocope · 14/09/2006 20:20

I've thought for years that DH may have an eating disorder. He's always consumed shocking amounts of food. His weight has gone up and down over the years. At the moment his weight is down. He's done this by working out and substituting huge amounts of Special K for the usual variety of food that he would eat. He's eating a 'healthy' low-fat sugar-free diet most of the time then filling in the gaps with Special K. He can get through the biggest box they make in two days. I'm really worried because, though he's lost weight, he's not facing the bigger issue of why he eats so much. It's a very touchy subject though and over the years I've learned to just leave it alone.

At the moment he's having a lot of stress at work. He's going to the gym most nights now and swimming. I think it's good stress relief. On the other hand, his eating seems to have upped a notch and he's getting more and more irritable.

Tonight we had a big argument over DS using waterwings. DH takes DS swimming using waterwings but DS started swimming classes today and got upset and kept asking for the wings. I suggested to DH that maybe they should stop using the wings when they swim together so DS cn build up his confidence. DH was furious and said I obviously thought he was a crap part-time Dad, an idiot, etc, etc. I think these are things that he thinks about himself. I tried to assure him that I didn't think any of those things but he wouldn't listen and said I was lying.

This is becoming a pattern and I don't know what to do. I think DH has serious self-esteem issues but he just won't deal with them. How can I help him? At the moment I'm on antidepressants and about to start cognitive behavioural therapy to help with my anxiety. I keep hoping that DH will be inspired to tackle his own issues but he says he just doesn't have time. In the meantime I'm tip toeing around the house and feeling miserable.

OP posts:
Frizbe · 14/09/2006 20:42

I think your doing the right thing in concentrating on your own issues 1st, once your getting yourself straight you may be able to help dh tackle any probs he has himself, but as your already aware, your dh needs to realise he has a problem by himself, you telling him he has, will not do anything, unfortunately.....

howtocope · 14/09/2006 20:47

Yes, Frizbe, I know you're right. It just seems particularly hard right now. I want to be happy and move forward but it feels like I can only do that by keeping him and his issues at arms length. That makes me very sad.

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theicemanducketh · 14/09/2006 20:49

The exercise thing reminds me of a phase my dp went thro' some years back, when we nearly split up. He started to go to a gym whenever he could, and kept telling me how he was going to have this great new body, even to the point of buying fitness mags and showing me the kind of pecs he was going to have! We were seeing a relate councellor who suggested he had depression (not just because of the exercising but a number of other things as well). He started taking ADs and things did improve, but he has had a couple of episodes of depression since. He may be having another one at the moment as he is also flying off the handle at the slightest thing, but I have talked to him about it and he is trying hard to deal with it.

Your problem is how to persuade him to get help. Could you discuss it with your CT therapist, or your GP? Is he having a lot of rages? Just because not only are they linked with depression (I raised this on another thread recently, and there is another one discussing somewhere, but mainly among women) but could there be a chance he is taking steroids? I am told that they are very easy for gym going men to get hold of.

Men can be so stubborn - your DH says he doesn't have time to deal with his problems but he has time to go to the gym. That sounds so familiar! Exercise is a good way to relieve stress, but it can become addictive.

I am sorry you are feeling this way, and hope you can discuss it with him calmly without him becoming defensive. Good luck!

howtocope · 14/09/2006 20:56

Hi iceman, I'm pretty sure he's not taking steroids. He doesn't so much rage as just get angry and hurt very quickly. He takes what I say very negatively and twists my words. I totally recognise the whole magazine thing though. He's constantly buying Mens Health, will even buy the American version too if he finds it, and shows me different bodies. Very interesting to hear of someone else doing the same thing!

I'll definitely be talking to my CT therapist about this as I know it's one of the triggers for my anxiety. It's so frustrating because DH openly acknowledges that there is a problem but he refuses to do anything about it. He seems to think that hiding the symptoms such as his weight is an answer.

I've never realised that anti-depressants could be part of the answer but when I think about it he does seem depressed. The meds have certainly helped me over the last six weeks. I may try to discuss it with him but will have to choose my moment carefully. Certainly not tonight after the whole waterwings debacle.

I'm able to write this now because he's stormed off to the gym.

Thanks so much for your comments.

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