No (more) children - can I be truly happy?

[lagoon]

My OH is in his late 40s. We both have our children from previous relationships: he has two children in their teens, and I have a 9 year old. I had my child young (I'm 28 now) and I have always dreamt of having more children. I have a perfect partner, but as much as he would love a baby, he feels too old to actually have one now, doesnt want to change the dynamic with his existing children, etc and I can see why he feels like that and respect it completely and I agree that it wouldn't be the wisest decision.
Ive since been trying to convince myself of all the awesome aspects (of which there are many) of not having anymore dc of my own, and counting my blessings for what I do have - but nothing is getting rid of the underlying and overwhelming desire to have another one at some point. I love my 9yo to bits but always imagined a proper sibling for him. I dont want to end up a bitter, resentful cow to my partner if I feel I have sacrificed something like this. Any advice?

How long have you been together?
Neither of you are wrong.
I'm mid 40's and the thought of a having a stroppy teenager at 60 is something I couldn't comprehend.
But you are still young and still have years of TTC or having another child.
I think the resentment will build.
We've seen it here time and again.
If you have different goals then you need to acknowledge that and make the break for what YOU want in life.
You get one shot at it.
Make sure you do what YOU want and not what someone else wants.

Neither of you is right or wrong. But it sounds pretty incompatible. I would seriously get out now. The longer it gets left, the more likely resentment will build or the break-up when it comes will be much more upsetting because you've been together longer.

Thankyou hellsbells, we've been friends for a good few years and together officially for two years.

Hmm. I had my daughter at 24, my marriage ended, I didn't meet anyone new. At 36 I understood that there would never be anyone and therefore no more children, ever.

That was 20 years ago and as I think about it now, my eyes are filling with tears. If you want more children, do what you have to do to get them.

My husband was 43 when our first was born,46 when our second was born and 50 when our third was born,we didn't meet until he was 39 and I'm 12 years younger.
I think my dh found it easier when they were babies,they are now 11,8 and 4.

It is a difficult one, and there are no right or wrong answers. I think you will need to think hard about whether this relationship is worth giving up the possibility of having another child for.

One thing I would say though, is that you need to stop worrying about having a sibling for your 9 year old. Even if you got pregnant now, he is going to be 10 ish when the baby arrives. He will be off to secondary school by the time the baby is old enough to interact much, and busy with his friends. The youngest would only be 8 when he is likely to be leaving home, so they are not going to be playmates for each other, and grow up together. Having another baby because you want one, is a different matter though.

I am in a similar situation, in that DH is a few years older than me, and had two DC's already when we met. We had one together, and I would have liked another but DH didn't. I have stayed in the relationship, basically because I want DH, and the family life we have, more than another child. I have found other things to focus on to distract me from wanting another child, and as time goes on I find I mind less and less.

Sorry, I have waffled a bit, I hope it makes some sense. Good luck with whatever you decide!

Thanks for the replies so far, food for thought.

A sibling with a 10-year age gap is not what I'd call "a proper sibling for him". A sibling is a playmate and you can get away with maybe a 4 year age gap there. But a 4yo is no companion for a 14yo and vice versa.

If you want this that much and follow the advice above to leave your relationship, consider that there's a cost to your 9yo to offset the anticipated benefit to yourself of becoming a single mother.

Is he worth giving up the opportunity for more dcs?

Yep I know it would definitely not be playmate material, was thinking more along the lines of him at least have a sibling from my side (his Dad had a child from previous relationship so at least he has him), for maybe silly reasons like having someone else there when I get old and ill (if that happens) and pass away.
The main reason I would love more dc though is purely because I would simply love to have them.
Is he worth giving up dc for? I really don't know at the moment.

If you are 28 and want more DC and your DP doesn't then leave. Seriously. This will fester and destroy your relationship. So you will be left with no relationship abd no child.

You are too young to waste your life away in a man you are incompatible with.

I think that if you have one more you will probably want a second, due to age gap with your 9 year old. My sons have several friends whose mother's have divorced and remarried and there are consequently happy families with a late teenaged son and a couple of younger children. I'm mentioning this because if your DP did agree to another child, with you, you might still be pining for one more at a later stage.

Can I please ask a very genuine question?

I can totally understand someone pinning for a child when they don't have any - absolutely and 100%. But I see so many women on the forums who already have a child, or even two children, who are practically on the verge of leaving their partners because they want more.

What is this? Is it not possible to be happy with the child/children you already have? (collective you there). To me it sort of seems offensive to the existing child - as if they aren't "enough" on their own.

OP - Honestly, I can't empathise with your situation because I've never been in it. I want to make that clear now. But your child already has a good handful of half or siblings in law, and it sounds like their age difference is probably less than the age difference between your current child. And to be honest...even if you did have another child...it would still be a half sibling to your son. I don't really understand how that would make it any more of a "proper" sibling than the others.

If you have a good relationship, is this really something worth throwing it away for?

So you basically have a 20 year age gap, more or less? I'm wondering if having another child is just one area where you are feeling at very different points in life, and having different ideas of where you future could go. I am not being anti age gap, but sometimes it is true that it can be an problem.

I think you should try to work on feeling that you can be happy if you don't have another child, because you may never have another whatever you do. Whether this man is truly, to you, worth giving up the chance for is a different question.

Have you made it clear just how strongly you feel about this issue. It may be that when he knows this he may reconsider his position?

I agree with temporaryusername. I think you're at different points in your life. Twenty years' difference is huge, particularly for you in your 20s. You have the best years of your life ahead of you; do you really think you're in the right relationship for you now? I don't doubt you love him, but there will be many you could love.

Kaykayblue - I see where you're coming from, I love my DS to bits and he's amazing, I think it's partly because when I had him I was 17 and rabbit in headlights, in the wrong relationship and have always loved the idea of being with the right person and having a baby, being a family. Over last few months I have become a lot more comfortable with the idea of him being my only biological child, as I've had time to process the concept, however I still get niggles and doubts and the longings, the classic seeing friends with babies and thinking that it probably won't be me again.

I don't think your DH Is too old to have a child. In your sixties you are not old. I am 70 and I have bags of energy and lots of child rearing experience to deal with a stroppy teenager. However, it is not us you have to convince OP it is your DH. If he can't stand the idea but you long for another baby, then you have a dilemma. A new baby must be a joint decision mustn't it ?

I think personally, if you want another baby and don't have one, you will regret it.

Difficult situation for both of you.

I think you have to accept he will not change his mind about not wanting more children. He has to accept that you will not change your mind about wanting more children.

So in a fundamental way, on something it is not possible to compromise, you are not compatible.

Whatever happens, if you start a new relationship with someone else, discuss this very early on. I bring it up on first dates - honestly. 'Do you have kids, chat chat chat about kids. Do you think you'll ever want some/more?' Gets a slightly staggered look from the man, who then answers, and luckily last few times their answer has been an emphatic no, which matches what I think, and we have a relieved laugh about it. If any of them said yes, there wouldn't have been a second date, why waste your time/hurt yourself over something so important.

holeinmyheart - what you feel isn't relevant. HE feels too old to do it all over again. I'm mid 40s and I wouldn't have another baby if you paid me a million quid, it's not at all what I want to do with the rest of my life.

There is a much lesser age gap between me and OH - 6 years, I am 34, he is 40, but my kids are older due to me being a v young first time parent too.
We discussed children early in the relationship as we both already had some (him 2, me 3) and both agreed it wasnt something that would be on our agenda.
But then I changed my mind, or thought I did and went through a couple of months of being the broodiest person ever - my youngest is 9 also.
We then talked it over and over - and got to the stage where he said if it was what I really wanted, then he would be up for it.
When it came down to it though, when we weighed everything up, we jointly decided against the idea.
Firstly we have 5 children. We are not that young. Our relationship is wonderful and the strain imposed by a young baby would probably change that. I can remember feelings of resentment and anger with my ex h and though they are very different men, having a baby does change things and I dont want our relationship to change at all.
We have "free" time. When his kids are at their mums and mine are at their dads (this is something we co-ordinated in the early days to give us "our time". We would never have that again and its a very important part of our relationship to be us, not just parents.
How would we make things fair on baby/my kids (who do live with us) and his kids (who do not).
We dont have a spare room - well we do, but thats for his children when they stay.
Id have to give up work. No!

We went with our heads in the end, and though I still think "what if?" I dont regret the decision at all. I know a lot of people on here are saying you will resent it - but even though my situation is slightly different in that I got my OH round to thinking about it - I dont resent not having one at all.

We went on a mega holiday this year, just us two and it really opened my eyes to life without a baby. Im 100% confident in our decision but the important part is that it was OUR decision!

If your relationship is worth keeping above having a baby, you will know already.