My wedding night

[punygod]

I know it wasn't rape, because I consented. But he knew I didn't want to, and argued the toss. He said it was his wedding night, so he was not not having sex.

So I went and put my little nightie on, and he climbed aboard and it was awful.

This was seventeen years ago, I'm in a new relationship now. Why is it keeping me awake?

I just want to thank you all. This thread has helped me more than I can say. I hope those who had the same thing happen have found it helpful too.

I have NC for this. I have been helped by this thread. I was coerced by my XH to have sex so many times I lost count. He would keep me awake for days/nights until I agreed. As I finally agreed because I couldn't take the lack of sleep/emotional blackmail...was it rape? According this thread it was I want to cry that other human beings have acknowledge it. I only agreed in the end because I just wanted to sleep/ be left alone. I am no longer with him but still coming to terms with "stuff".

It's keeping you awake because it was a situation that you were uncomfortable with, on a very stressful/emotional day where you've had your needs looked after possibly at every step of the way - no matter what happened afterwards, you will always look back on that day as 'the day'. You're not to blame, at all, and it is common for people to reflect back on things like that. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, plus the after effects

I had this when I was 15 - I never refer to it as my 'first' time (although it was) because in the years since, I realised although I never screamed or physically stopped him, I'd said no repeatedly and he never listened. I was scared in the presence of a 17 year old boy who was telling me constantly that "I wanted it" and "It would be good". I kept quiet, cried silently and never really knew if I was raped or not, owing to the fact I never actually stopped him. I went home and I showered four times then started a long term need to self harm to get rid of the "pain".

I've seen him countless times in the city, and he contacted me on FB asking if I was single because he loved our time together. We were boyfriend/girlfriend for three months before that, but I stopped contacting him after he coerced me into a very vulnerable situation - even though I didn't fully understand what had happened, I knew I didn't feel right. It was a pattern I repeated again and again in my teens and early 20's - I'd sleep with people regardless because I assumed sex was something you just 'did' and put up with to get someone to appreciate you. Put quite simply, it fucked up my notion of love, relationships and sex for a long, long time.

I've been able to join so many dots about how the last seventeen years have been for me as a result of this thread.

I really hope other women find some peace. Some terrible stories that make mine pale into insignificance.

and strength to you all.