Even the kids now say he is weird

[AZza09Bingo]

Rather long but I need to just get it off my chest. I dont blame you if you dont read it all. Its just tonight aftyer what my 13yo said to me about her Dad, I have to write down how it really is for me to see how crap it really is. If anyone wants to reply then thats a bonus.

Together 18 years. Married 12. 2 teens almost 16 and 13.

My husband has never been outgoing in a social aspect. I have for a long time accepted that this is how he is and I can't change him and nor would it be right too but over the years our lives have become very different. I am telling you this so you understand how we lead quite different and seperate lives.

I even go on holiday with friends and the kids without him as he does not wish to go at all. If I didnt do something then we (me and the kids) would just never go. I (and the kids) have a whole circle of friends we holiday with every summer, whom he has never met and does not know, yet me and the kids talk about these friends in general conversation all year - such as did you see on FB X broke their arm? blah blah etc.

He does the odd rare mountain bike outing with the kids and used to do alot more with them but over the past few years he cba. DD1 was always a proper tomboy and he used to do lots of football and mountain biking with her, but that has tailed off maybe partly because of teenage apathy but mainly because of him. Its never a nice enough day weather wise is his excuse.

Tbh - over the past few years he has become more withdrawn from what I would class as normal life. Like I say he has always been very insular but its become weird now.

On the face of it he holds down a good job, quite well paid, he loves his job and is doing well and is well respected by colleagies and bosses. Infact he is really enthusiastic about his job and is always planning things he does not need to but wants to, inorder to ensure his department works better. Its like a hobby to him and he seems genuinely happy. Its not done because he feels pressured. On the rare occassion I have anything to do with his colleagues - he is spoken about in a very complimntary and positive way.

However at home its a different story. He seems to plan his days around meals. Always eating loads - but he is also very fit. Has to be for his job and he does run reguarly (alone). He hates the curtains ever being opened and if I open them, he will moan and then close them the minute I leave the room. He plays endless computer games and when he is not doing that he watches film. However, he falls asleep during the game/film throughout the day/evening/night. He has a duvet he keeps behind the sofa and wraps himself up in it. He snores so loud when he falls asleep, if we are watching TV too we cannot here it very well.

He is just a slob. He wears a dressing gown all weekend - apart from his run or trip to the supermarket for food. He has to have a good supply of good quality food and he does cook some lovely meals but never ever clears up. He does not stick to any kind of routine. Me and the kids may have a laid back breakfast at weekends at say 10am but he will be talking about how hungry for lunch he is at 11 and talking about what we should have for lunch. No sooner is lunch out the way he is planning tea. But these mealtimes are on his suiting - not the families. Its not rare for me to wake up at 2am to the smell of a curry being cooked.

He has nothing to do with anyone except us as family and even that now is very limited because he does nothing and does not properly interact with us as a family anymore there is little common ground. He tries to force us to watch films none of us fancy and its always one after the other or endless Friends/IT crowd/Big Bang repeats (which I like but not anymore - I could recite them by heart). His only other conversation is what is for the next meal or asking us to make him a coffee.

I dont know what he does at night anymore because his routine is so odd. His nights and days (when not working) drift into 1. He may be up cooking in the early hours but asleep all afternoon.

My 13yo asked me tonight why her Dad isnt like other Dads . She said that when she goes to her friends houses their dads are always dressed in the day, chat and know what is going with school stuff etc. She asked me why he never comes on holiday with us (they both have asked in the past and I used to say it was because he was working - which was often true) but the past few years he has had the same 2 weeks off and stayed at home gaming behind closed curtains.

I don't know - none of this is new to me. I have often thought I wish he would interact a bit more. If the kids have friends around he hides in the bedroom - moves the gaming console in there and camps out until they go - even the friends that come and stay from where we used to live 3 hours away - for 3 or 4 days!!! He gets really awkward and is no support if the kids have friends around just opting out and saying to me "well you agreed to them coming over, not my problem"

There is worse - a couple of years ago me and DD2 got up one Sunday morning and DH had spent the whole night downstairs gaming/film watching and we walked into the living room to find the usual sight of his boxer shorts in the middle of the floor with his socks and a million empty/half drank glasses and mugs/dirty plates and dishes etc but there was also a glass of what looked like apple juice. Apple juice is DDs favourite and back then she was only 9 or 10. She immeadiately clocked it and asked if she could get herself a glass and off she went to the kitchen. I knew we didnt have apple juice and just knew straight away what it was in the glass. It was urine. As I picked it up to sniff, DD came in behind me (I didnt know). I gagged and blurted out loud "you disgusting pig, you have peed in a bloody glass because you are too damn lazy to shift your arse to the bathroom". DD saw and heard me . She was so shocked. She looked horrified and kept asking me why Dad has peed in a glass. She talked about it for weeks afterwards.

DH denied and denied but it was urine. 3/4 years on I still struggle to get past this. I cannot be sure but I dont think this was a first and only offence - although since the fuss I caused to him (in private) over this I have not seen it happen again.

I just dont think I can live like this anymore. I have been in denial as to how odd DH is and how dysfunctional our home is especially on weekends.

Both DC are having friends (from a long way away) to stay over the next 2 weeks and I am just dreading it. I used to be able to put a certain facade on the front of things so we looked like a normalish family but I just dont think I can cover it up anymore and with the kids all being older they must be more aware too. I feel embarrassed and ashamed.

There is other stuff I should probably add too but I have already written far too much.

I have sat here tonight and cried to myself. I am certain my marriage is dead. There is no intimacy and tbh he does not appeal to me anymore (surprisingly). I think tonight I have realised I have to end my marriage but I am shit scared and dont even know where to start and what about the kids. DD1 is about to start yr 11 and do her GCSEs. They both adore their Dad despite all this. I am frightened I will screw my kids up if I leave and worse still they are already screwed up because I have allowed this life to develop to this extent. I feel trapped. If I stay it will screw them up and so will leaving.

So sad and confused.

Don't care what his issue is, you need him out of there. Pack his stuff and his games console and palm him off on a relative or friend, or into a b+b, for the next couple of weeks on the excuse that the children are having visitors.
You'll feel so much better when he's gone that the way ahead will become very clear.

I'm Aspie. I can fully appreciate how he came to be as he is. But you can't live with that and he won't change until he wants to. Time for you now. Start his packing.

He sounds like my ex. Not aspergers, just addicted to computer games, and a lazy arse who could not be arsed with social stuff and completely disengaged from family life. You need a life on your own as you are being sucked into his horrible dark insular word. He probably wont even notice you are gone or eventually will prefer being alone. You and your kids need to have a life and they are old enough to see how he is sapping yours. And theirs. Seriously, start getting your finances in order and plan your exit or his removal!

I think having a dad like that is a lot worse than you separating. He's not modelling healthy behaviours for your DC.

Awful for you even worse for your dc....

You need to separate now. It doesn't sound as if he would miss family life as he makes no effort to engage in it at all. He is living the life of a single man.

Contact a solicitor and see what they say. Ask H to leave.

He sounds like my ex BIL. He wasn't always like this, he became like it, a combination of depression at work and a love of gaming became a gaming addiction.
My sister used to turn the power off eventually as the only way to get his attention.
He also refused to open mail or answer any, so their divorce took ages as he simply never responded to anything.
I think you need to get out of this relationship, but I know that's easy to say.

Hi can i say he may have low self esteem.His work gives him all the satisfaction and company he needs then the weekend is chill time.I say this as i work in an exhausting pressured place so come my days off getting chores done and recharging for the week ahead are key.I avoid alot of social occassions as i always feel like im not worthy of being there(Parents constant critcism of me although im slim and wear nice clothes).
Maybe you could say you would all like him to go somewhere together as staying home becomes a habit.I have worked so many mothers days ,easter ,summer hols christmas hols that i expect to be left behind while my family enjoy themselves.Im not sure about the cooking in the night maybe he is depressed.
From my point of view having to go out after a busy week is just another "chore" on the to do list although last week i would ve loved somewhere to go with a whole week off!!

Go and see a Solictor , life is too short for this crap. I'm sorry if he actually has a mental issue but I don't think he has , I think he's just a selfish pig. Get rid. Stupid selfish man who doesn't appreciate the lovely family he has. Be strong op

Whatever the cause, if he's not willing to change or capable of changing, I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to decide to separate from him. Your kids can still love their dad even if you don't all live together anymore, and they could probably have a more "normal" and stable home life without him around 24/7. You sound like a kind person who wouldn't vilify your ex to your kids and would help them handle understanding what kind of person he is, but it might be easier for all of you do to that from a slight distance.

If you want to work things out that's up to you, but I think it's OK for you to give yourself permission to walk away even if he does have an addiction/mental health issue/autism-spectrum disorder. You are not responsible for fixing him.

I know it must be so difficult living with this day in and day out. Good luck.

I think it is time that you did something to make yourself happy, it doesn't matter what his diagnosis is, it is whether you can carry on living with him.

It is not your job to diagnose him, and you are perfectly entitled to end a relationship at any time. This either needs an intervention or for you to bring this to a close.

What is the point of him being in the house at all? Sounds like he would be better off in a bedsit where he could pee in glasses whenever he wanted.

I think you need to sit him down, tell him this is not normal and either he sorts himself out [give him a list of things that he needs to do for example, getting dressed in the day and spending time with his family] or he needs to leave as you have had enough, the kids are embarrassed and have friends coming over and he needs to be gone if he can't behave like a civilized person.

I agree that we shouldn't armchair diagnose.

He sounds a lot like my FIL - extremely dedicated to his job which he loved, loves his kids, but cannot handle friendships. He hates any social situations, even though he's interesting and articulate - FIL refused to come to our wedding, was eventually strong armed into it by DH but scuttled off as soon as he could. He is extremely, extremely set in his ways. OP, your comments about only looking forward to meal times, cooking curry in the middle of the night, living like a slob, calling for cups of tea and refusing to go on holiday struck me especially. MIL would take DH and his siblings on all their holidays without him because he hated staying away from home. Even now he has no friends and only keeps in touch with some of his huge extended family, but heavy good with his kids. And FIL is most definitely not on the autistic spectrum.

FIL and MIL went their separate ways 20 years ago. She wanted space and not to live in social disfunction and squalor - he hated her touching his stuff and never lifted a finger around the house apart from DIY - and he wanted to be left alone to live like a hermit. DH calls him Albert Steptoe. It's a good description. Funnily enough, MIL and FIL get on well, haven't ever had another partner and see each other quite often. They have a good relationship apart.

Would your DH mind you splitting up? It sounds like he'd like to have space to be himself and you'd get a whole new lease of life away from him. You single parent and manage a house on your own anyway.

I second PPs in saying something is clearly amiss; he would have to 1. agree to see his doctor and 2. be completely honest with them.

However, having a diagnosis does not necessarily mean he can be "cured". He could be taught strategies to modify his behaviour to harmonise more with family life but it would be a long haul and the behaviour would never completely go away.

If I were you OP, I would be looking at an exit plan and handing him a copy of The Aviator as I walked out the door.

First up I should say that whatever is behind his behaviour, you should not have to deal with it and neither should your children.

But can I ask, did you just sort of disengage some way back? You talk about his behaviours as if you observed them rather than anything else. If I woke up to DH cooking curry in the middle of the night that would be followed by a long 'WTF!' conversation.
I guess what I'm asking is does he know that he is being strange. Does he know how much you hate it or did you decide a long time ago to let him go his own way. Because if he thinks this is just ok would he change if you made it plain he had drifted into really strange territory and his children were embarrassed?

I should stress it all sounds as if you need to get out but I suppose I am thinking about his children still visiting etc. he needs to see his behaviour as so far outside acceptable family norms.

I have a friend whose husband was like this and continues to be so. They seperated last year and I am so pleased they did as I have watched her blossom and visibly relax. They have three children and they have all benefited from this as well.
He only has the children once a week for tea and sticks rigidly to that even though the offer is there for more contact. He hasn't changed it's just the marital home has breathed a sigh of relief.

I agree about the dangers of net diagnoses but I think the OP rightly needs to consider the possibilities.

I've no idea whether he'd meet the criteria for Asperger's but given that his behaviour has not been a constant, but has indeed deteriorated over time, I would consider depression and addiction as well.

He needs a mental health evaluation. The first step would be for the OP to talk to her GP to work out how that could be effected.

Wow - this is so NOT normal it's almost unbelievable.
I have absolutely no idea how you can live like this.
Your poor DC.
This is their model of relationships and how it should be.
Please contact a solicitor to see what would happen if you separated.
For me though, his bags would packed for when he got home and I would get him to leave immediately.
Your poor DC cannot carry on like this.
Can you imagine the stick they are going to get when their friends come round and see how they live and what their dad is like.
Not fair on them at all.
You need to understand the impact this is having on them and get them out of the situation as quickly as possible.
The damage may be done already but at least you can show them that no-one has to put up with this. You can teach them to be strong and to make correct decisions.

You can't fix this OP.
Please don't try to.
It's not up to you, it's up to him.
But you already know he won't do anything.
Don't take on the responsibility of getting him 'well'.
Your responsibility is to your children.

It sounds nothing like depression to me. Firstly the energy and interest he puts into his self care. The cooking of meals and running. Depressed people rarely take an interest in exercise or cooking/food to this degree.

Also his interest in his work. He's not just scraping by, he's performing very well.

Either schizoid as someone earlier mentioned or on the autistic spectrum.

Hi OP,

I agree a definite armchair diagnosis is definitely not a good idea, it won't achieve anything other than confusion for you and your dc.

I'm not going to suggest you must do anything but I do just want to say the similarities between your DH and my db and df are scary.

My df used to be more sociable when he was younger but as he got older he became more withdrawn from us as a family, he wouldn't come on days out, holidays, meals out etc. there's never been an official diagnosis and it's not so severe that you can't negotiate with him to join us and he's fine when he goes out for dinner with dm and their friends. He does however have obsessive behaviours, playing chess, cars, keeping fit, anything. And now he's got a smart phone he's shoving it under our noses to look at at the latest/best whatever at the most inappropriate times. He struggles with empathy a lot too.

My db is only in his mid twenties and also has OCD and depression (that's a whole other thread about him).

Anyway, he is food, film politics obsessed. He has got no idea how leaving a mess in the kitchen would infuriate my dm, or that saying he won't be bothered when my grandpa dies is not a nice thing to say. He doesn't get body language or subtle hints (eye rolling or frowning). He get seriously stressed if going to a pub and they won't serve him a pint on a glass but a plastic cup, or if they don't serve a beer that he finds acceptable. He'll sleep in until 2pm because he won't have gone to sleep until 4am watching films, he'll eat before sleeping. With food, he's not fat but he won't eat certain things on certain days, things he decided are bad for him and his table manners aren't the best (his co-ordination is shoddy).

I could go on and on, oh, and my db is a high functioning Aspergers adult.

Anyway I think before you pack a bag and ask him to go you need to talk to him, he is possibly very unaware of what he does to annoy you even though you've probably told him a thousand times. My db has to be told something 927382282738192749505032 times before it finally sinks in.

And on top of this it's very possible depression comes into as he maybe all too aware of his flaws and he can't do anything about them.

I hope I've been helpful in trying to highlight a few similarities. And some posters on here who have said he might have a gaming addiction are probably right, it would go hand in hand.

I could be completely wrong on all accounts and you DH could just be very awkward but I really don't think there's harm in finding out.

OP - the man obviously has issues. The question you need to ask yourself is "Am I prepared to help him, if he accepts he needs help and is willing to get it?"

If not then ask him to leave, it's over. No shame in this at all! Things cannot stay as they are and it's good you've realised this. Otherwise you're going to have to confront this, help force the change and put in alot of effort to help him get through this.

Do you have a relationship with the rest of his family? I'm wondering what they are like, what his upbringing was like. I agree with the other people who said you need to end it, it's not healthy for you or your children.