I truly despise my brother

[SteveBackshallisMyLove]

... and I don't really know why. I read the thread on AIBU , and I'm trying to work it out because as I've gotten older I've realised that to other people, and to him, I come across as a vile person when I spend any time with him. Or even near him. Generally I am a considerate and generous person, or I try my best to be, but when I spend more than a day or two in his company I feel this almost animal hatred that is very hard to control. To clarify, I don't hit him or bully or shout at him or anything like that! But I am rude, snappy and condescending, which is so unpleasant to be around and makes things uncomfortable spending time with my parents. And it's so unlike me, I don't recognise myself. Objectively he is irritating at times, he interrupts a lot, has to have the most knowledge about any given subject, basically your average know it all. But I have close friends who I love who have those same traits and I don't find myself snarling whenever they make a smartarse comment!

Obviously I can't continue like this, I have to change, but I'm really at a loss as to how to start. I am the oldest of two, he is two years younger than me so I can't really remember a time without him. I don't remember our parents doing anything in particular to do with our relationship at all, although they used to make me play with him, and this would bring me to tears. We squabbled and had fights right from the start until we were quite old, and I used to get all the blame for it. My father was extremely intimidating when angry when we were children, and did smack us to discipline us from time to time. I assume it was both of us, although it was a very long time ago, and I only remember it happening to me. When I was 14 we went to separate boarding schools and were never really in such close proximity again.

Even now I have this overwhelming feeling that I have to beat him, I have to prove (I assume to my parents?) that I am worthy of their time and attention. I don't really think about it so much now that he is not so present in my life any more, but I distinctly remember being hurt and infuriated that I worked my arse off and did "the right thing" in terms of smoking and drinking and general teen age behaviour, and all that work and missing out, in my eyes then, earned me the those exact same privileges and affection that my little brother was given at the same time, for being lazy, smelly, a heavy drinker, expelled from school... He was generally a good kid, and he is a good man now, but he made mistakes. I made myself miserable trying to do what my parents wanted to please them and he proved it was all irrelevant.

Bloody hell, that was longer than I planned! Thanks for making it through all that, I know it is is deeply, deeply unhealthy and I need to change. What I was hoping to get from you lovely lot was maybe ideas as to where it could have stemmed from and how I can move forward? What can I do? How can I think of myself as an okay person, when this is my reaction to my own brother?

How old are you now?

My DB is 18 months younger than me and was always mum's golden boy. It used to drive me mad that I was expected to be the good, sensible one while he got away with murder, if we squabbled it was my fault because I was the elder one and should know better, that I had to work for privileges that he then got given "because it wouldn't be fair for him not to do/get that" - sound familiar?

However, we had good times as well as squabbles and since reaching adulthood although we don't live in each others pockets we have a really good relationship, get on with each others partners and can socialise and holiday together with no problems.

I think you are feeling a little jealous very deep down inside, and you probably don't need to. I found out some years ago that while I was always jealous of DB because I felt he had it so easy as a kid he was also very jealous of me cos I was so strong and independent from an early age! Always two sides.

I think you could probably sit down and have an honest talk with him, it might do you both good.

Even now I have this overwhelming feeling that I have to beat him, I have to prove (I assume to my parents?) that I am worthy of their time and attention.

This sentence is key to understanding your situation. You are correct in assuming that you feel you need to 'beat' your brother for your parents love and attention. The question is, where does this stem from?

Unwittingly, poor parenting sets up siblings to be rivals to each other in a competitive environment, rather than loving individuals in a familial relationship. Which is why your comment:

I don't remember our parents doing anything in particular to do with our relationship at all...

bears such resonance in light of the previous statement, as your parents did not do enough to enhance a loving sibling relationship between you. It is more likely that they contrasted and compared you to each others, and then threw you into a 'you must play together' situation, which you then (understandably) resented.

I also grew up in a family environment like this, and (very sadly) my sister also 'hates' me for no rational reason. My parents always made emotionally manipulative and abusive comments like "Why can't you be more like your sister, who has done [this]?", and it took me decades to work out what had been happening. Unfortunately, by this stage, I was already estranged from my sister, and she has a mental disorder which would stop her from 'seeing' the reality of the situation.

Well done to you OP for questioning your feelings and your treatment of your brother. It takes a level of bravery that many people won't even consider. The next steps are up to you - seek some counseling, read books on sibling rivalry, talk to others who have also been in a similar situation, read about others experiences on the net. We all have a need to think of ourselves as 'good', and these are the sort of actions which can help you understand your situation further and reach some sort of peace about it.

Best wishes and good luck.

I'm the older sister to a 'golden balls' brother. Also the sensible, reliable, well-behaved one that gets taken for granted while he has made a lot of big mistakes in life and has earned himself the status in my parents' eyes as 'in need of help'. Quite often financial.

I used to get rather put out at yet another bail out and yet another special allowance being made. But I eventually rationalised it that he's done nothing against me personally and, if he's taken advantage of a parenting fail, it can't be held against him. We're having to work together at the moment because our mother is unwell. It's helping a little.

Does he like you, OP? Does he try to spend time with you, want to spend time with you? Because if the answer is "no" then there is no point in taking this suggestion:
"I think you could probably sit down and have an honest talk with him, it might do you both good."

I don't get on with my brother and haven't since early teens. I am older than him too and he was Mum's favourite, although not to the "golden child" extent. But yes, I copped it whenever things went wrong as the older one, should know better etc. Even now my Dad seems to think that I should be the one to mend bridges but no, I've given it a go, I'm not doing it again.

He hates me, I despise him - that's how it is. That's just how it turns out sometimes - it's partly personality, partly the way people treat the situation - parental interference can make it much worse, if they try and force a relationship where, really, there isn't one of any decency.

He came to my wedding out of family duty - I tried to speak to him to "mend bridges" - he refused to speak and walked away. My mum died in hospital - he tried to refuse to be in the same room as me while we were sitting with her in her last hours. Dad sorted that one out (thank goodness). He insulted Dad at the funeral and I haven't spoken to him since. Too much has happened.

So while I don't have the same problems as you do, I do empathise.

All I can say is, try and distance yourself from your childhood feelings and view him as an unrelated adult. It might take some of the resurging feelings out of the situation when you have to spend time together; other than that, try and reduce the number of times you spend together. I have had counselling to try to resolve some of my relationships, including family ones, and this one for me is unfixable because he hates me more than I hate him and there is nothing I can do to change his attitude.

Reading with interest, as I have a difficult relationship with my stepbrother. We're a similar age and were compared endlessly when we were growing up. He's behaved appallingly in the past, both to me directly and our parents and siblings. He was always given the benefit of the doubt, whereas I should have known better etc.

Apparently he has sorted himself out now, we live in different places so I don't see him often, but I still struggle to let go of his past behaviour towards me and the fact that no one thought there was anything wrong with it. I feel ridiculous for feeling the way I do and sometimes wish I could wave a magic wand to make it disappear.

I know Mumsnetters have a habit of recommending counselling for everything, but I do wonder if talking this through with a professional would be useful. It sounds like some of the stuff I talked about with my old therapist, and I found that extremely helpful.

What I feel after reading your post is that I'm cross with your parents for not giving you confidence in the fact that you deserved their love no matter what. You thought you had to do the right things and make no mistakes in order to 'earn' their affection, and then he just got given it 'unearned'. So that hurt in you has been directed against him rather than your parents. Sometimes that's easier - our parents are the foundation of our worlds when we're young, and often remain a cornerstone as we grow up. Accepting that they failed us feels like shaking the world right to the bottom. So we turn the anger elsewhere, sometimes against ourselves, sometimes against siblings, because however painful that may be, it feels safer.

There's a lot of hurt and anger in you somewhere, and it comes out against him, even though (just based on your post) he hasn't objectively done anything awful to you, just did some stupid stuff in his teens, things you felt you couldn't get away with doing yourself. A good therapist might help you dig up the root of it and figure out what to do next.