six weeks ago today my husband left

[flower2909]

On Father's Day my husband walked out after a barrage of cruel taunts (why do you read so much? why have you never bothered to get a full-time job etc. etc.) Apparently he had wanted to go for some time and we had had an argument about something so trivial as having a BBQ. This was the catalyst that set his departure in motion.
I have felt so rubbish ever since and have cried every single day. I have tried so hard to get him to talk and yes he has, to a mutual friend, and has even gone as far as talking about our sex life to this friend. When I saw him at the end of last week as we had to go to collect our son from residential college, he said our relationship was toxic and that we were destroying each other.
I am so shocked by his departure and his cruel words. I did not even realise that the relationship was in trouble as he was always working, playing golf, sitting on comittees. When I said but how can there be problems when you are never there he said the reason why he was so absent was because he did not want to be with me.
I am 52 years old and have been married for almost 28 years. Incidently, this is the third time he has left. However, this time he has mentioned the D word.
I would really appreciate any advice as to how I can deal with this rubbish situation, which is causing me sleepless nights, oceans of tears and, not to mention, weight loss.
I have a really big hurdle to overcome this week as he is 50 and will be celebrating it with our 3 children and other family members. I am not included in these celebrations, which breaks my heart. Why do I feel as if I have done something wrong? I have just gone in to my daughter's bedroom and seen all the candles, presents, cake and cards which has caused me to break down again. Any advice would be gratefully recieved.

You are grieving for the future that you thought you had. It will get better. It always hurts to feel left out of things, so why not pluck up some courage and book something nice for yourself that day - nails, hair, spa day? Or whatever else appeals. If you've got friends you can turn to, could you have a girls day out?
Sorry you feel so bad about this. It's quite helpful if you can to recognise that this is who he is now. He just never had the courage to tell you.
That sounds harsh, but it was very empowering to me when I was in the same kind of situation.
Good luck with it all and get to a solicitor sharpish.

I'm sorry you're having such a bad time. I think your priority has to be to get your friends and family around you and just get through each day best you can. Be with people who are kind and supportive and accept all practical help. Try your best to eat and sleep. See your GP if you're really struggling and can't cope. I'm rather surprised your DCs are all going to his birthday bash when you're not invited. Seems very disloyal.

Chances are you haven't done anything especially wrong. However, if he's left several times before and if he's always absent from home then there could easily be someone new on the scene that you haven't found out about. I expect you've already wondered as much. That part about it being a 'toxic relationship' when you thought you got along OK is often a way to justify jumping ship. Sorry.

Sorry your going through this. Why did he leave before and what reasons did he give then?

So sorry you are going through this. I have no advice at the moment for you as I am just battling through this myself, but please take notice from all the lovely MNetters.

The fact you have separated before on more than one occasion should tell you something - the relationship probably hasn't been right for some time, he's still being pretty cruel though isn't he so no wonder you are feeling upset.

Time to get tough OP and selfish, he's clearly giving you no thought whatsoever anymore, I'm afraid you need to do the same and make a life for yourself without him.

Six weeks is barely no time at all to adjust, so don't beat yourself up. I was berating myself just last week (the three month mark) for 'not getting over it'. But it years to process and get over, and also mourn the future that you thought you were heading into. You will also be angry of his treatment of you, and scared of how you are going to cope in the future (financially, loneliness, still having to contact him re children, the divorce are just a few things that plague you). Sleep (when it comes) offers no respite because the dreams are real, painful and very related to the current situation. Waking up means just facing another long, sad, distressing day.

I'm judging you for how I felt at six weeks. So I for one am not going to tell you 'to pull your socks up' or 'just get on with it'. I am going to say it's too soon to be thinking that way.

What does he is working out what you can control and cannot control:

• you can influence the divorce (and indeed instigate it if he has not) and get assurance that whilst this is a huge change, get a realistic expectation of what the future will look like by seeing a solicitor.

• you cannot control your emotions very easily, but you can influence your mood by doing things that give you pleasure - whether it's a long soak in the bath, a long drive, a trip to the cinema, or new haircut, massage or facial. Whatever will give you a feel good factor - yes they will be tinged with sadness and your mind will accompany you, but they will help.

• surround yourself with friends and family, and talk, talk, talk. They will remind you of what's likeable about you - he has said some very nasty things, your self-esteem will be through the floor. BUT - he has his own agenda, and making you the 'reason' for the marriage breakdown absolves him of his guilt, convinces him he is the hero of the story. It is his subjective view point, but it is not the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. It's very easy to blame everyone else, it's very hard to take responsibility. He likes the short-cut.

• get out of the house as much as you can, visit neighbours, go for a walk.

Anyway, gotta go - I have a interim hearing to get through, which I am looking forward to getting over and done with so I can attack the wine after!

Many thanks everyone for the messages. I am keeping myself as busy as I can and for the next five weeks I have my autistic son to focus on. Son has just said to me that daddy has broken his heart too(sob!)
As far as getting out and about with friends-well, over the years none too easy with an autistic child and you find out just who is going to stick around to see you through those years. Part-time job too so lots of juggling and dad/husband is having to step up to the plate and do his bit. This is not easy and when he arrives to pick up son I am torn in two. I have had tiny periods of time in the last six weeks when things have felt a tinsy bit better and wham! something else comes out and that knife gets twisted a little bit more. Have got wind of the fact that his 50th involves a family party without, guess who? Me!
Once again, thanks for the kind words. I am really glad I joined this site

Why did you split up on a few previous occasions though OP?

it is such early days for you. As people told me when it happened to me, just do one day at a time. Whatever you can do on that day is an achievement. I'm better than I was 6 months ago but it is hard, but you are a woman and a mum and you will get through this.

Yes, sorry did not state anything about two previous occasions. Occasion one same as this one-sudden and with no discussion, just silence and then departure. Occasion two was another woman and he left exactly one month after the sudden death of my dad. Occasion two-came back one month later after going on holiday with other woman, sobbing his heart out about hurting me, what have I done etc. etc. Probably sounds familiar to some mums out there. What gets me is why the barrage of unfair accusations rather than sitting down and saying look, I am calling in to question our relationship and can we talk about it?

I reckon he has another woman again.

If comes back weeping, tell him to do one. You'll be fine, your only 52, you can restart your life.

Flower I agree with Tal. He is having an affair. From what you have said it would seem that this is the third time he has had an affair. He probably did the first time too as it seems to be he pattern.
Once is bad but repairable if you both realise that you love each other and want to try again but twice or thrice even is just not on. Once can be a mistake or going through some mid life crises but three times is taking the piss really.
He is hurting you again and again and you do not deserve this at all. You need to be on your own to gather yourself together so take some time out from him, no contact at all and let yourself regenerate a bit.

Ah! Yes - why can't he just tell the freakin' truth.

It is so much easier for them to character assassinate us (thus they are nigh on perfect by comparison) than admit they are behaving without integrity.

So for us, we beg: please just tell the truth to save us the torture. They choose the torture every time.

It's like we've been shagging around.

And if you feel that's an accurate assessment, then that's what they've been doing.