Can I have some advice from Stately Home type people please?

[NeedToGoNoContact]

I am seriously considering moving house and not providing onward details to the wider family.

Has anyone else done this?

Sorry in advance for any dripfeeding. I have been crying most of the day, talked round in circles with DP and my head is spinning. The specifics would be very identifying if I gave them and it wouldn't be fair anyway as there are at least eight sides to the story.

I have NCed but am still v v wary of discussing the details, except to say various relationships are very dysfunctional and toxic and I am finding it all increasingly hard to deal with.

I almost did this once before, but affection for elderly relatives stopped me - I knew they would be very hurt and bewildered and didn't want to be the cause if that. Now only one member of that generation remains and unhampered visits are impossible.

There is a lot of repression and avoidance within the family. Bizarre incidents happen frequently as a result of feuds and power games and yet everyone smiles politely and passes the cakes around.

I am criticized a lot, I know, behind my back. I am more relaxed than my relatives, have more liberal ideas and am not approved of.

There is much more and some dark buried stuff but I don't know where to start and I'm not sure it matters; I've had enough of dysfunction and game playing and odd behaviour. My nerves are in ribbons.

I don't think just cutting contact will work. Can I just move and disappear? Have people done it?

We're no contact with one side of the family. It is a bit all or nothing though so reason it all through. We went no contact, changed mobiles and landline, blocked numbers at work etc and then decided a year on to move and remain no contact.

Its very hard to truly disappear. I think its easier to just disappear off the radar than cease to be fairly easily tracable.

Think about how far you want it to go? Facebook, email, phone numbers, published photos in school news letters?

We don't regret it at all. DH is far stronger now. But its taken time to stop looking over our shoulders and to feel we can live out of the shadows.

It is a bit all or nothing though so reason it all through. We went no contact, changed mobiles and landline, blocked numbers at work etc and then decided a year on to move and remain no contact.

Yes. I was trying to think this through today. All numbers and email addresses for all of us would have to be changed a close to moving day as possible. All feels a bit espionage, but the thought of being free feels wonderful.

It took DP a wjile to understand why confronting them was futile, but it really is. Everything is met with obfuscation and avoidance.

In this scenario though, just slinking away with no final showdown feels a bit cowardly but I don't see what else I can do.

I don't normally feel pressure but I can't take much more of the antics (or the long silences waiting for the next strange interaction).

I moved to the other side of the country and didn't give details to wider family

My best decision ever. Four years on and my mental health has improved so much.

A couple of the wider family have tried to snoop and get information from people that do know but they have been unsuccessful (they only want to know because it will a power trip for them)

I don't regret no showdown. Quietly slipping away leaving the fight ongoing is how I see it. The quieter you slip away the more dust will settle over tracks.

We moved 1.5hrs away but its a very small world. DH bumped into someone who he's known reasonably well for some years but hasn't had much contact the last few. They were doing the polite catch up bit when this bloke suddenly said 'really sorry about your mum, all a bit of drama wasn't it with police and ambulances and everything'. We don't know whether shes alive or dead. She was dramatic and the police and health services had become involved before so its probably something of nothing with her calling 999. But its something and it can niggle a little.

We still have lots of friends in the area we lived but have been very selective about who has our details and those that do have them on the understanding that they're not shared under any circumstances (they know most of what went on).

We went off facebook but i'm back on now with my maiden name because all the DC's friends mums use it to communicate about school stuff in the new area.

Thank you.

I get pangs of envy reading both of those replies. That should te;; me something.

Distance/location is something worth considering.

But slinking away is the most dignified way to go, imho. They won't change, so you have chosen to change. Talking about it with them is a pointless exercise...why put yourself through it? Speak with your feet.

The level of dysfunction, as well as the likelihood of collusion to bathe you in more negativity, may make it necessary to make a comprehensive surgical strike to implement your plan. In my case, there was only one person I was detaching from, so I took the route of tapering off over a few years.

Sorry you have had such a crap family experience.

Thanks Band

as well as the likelihood of collusion to bathe you in more negativity,

Very well put.

I have done this a few times. Twice with my parents, and both times I got in touch again. We now have a very basic relationship and I have detached from them in many ways.

The other family that I have done this with, I just stopped going round, I had to change my number anyway when I moved house to an area that my provider didn't cover, and I just didn't update anyone. The thing is, they are so toxic that they knew where I lived for 5 months (after I stopped actively communicating with them) and they didn't act on it. All part of a weird punishment routine that seems to be very prevalent in my family. If I do not fit into their mould they go silent on me, then blame me for not making an effort.

Anyway, I don't regret not having a showdown at all. I live in the next town, I see them at church and I walk on past. Confronting toxic people will never produce anything worthwhile. If they were reasonable people you wouldn't be considering this.

Sorry to hear it Panda. Do you feel better now?

Yes, loads. My wedding is coming up, and I did invite an elderly member out of duty, and the immense relief I felt when it became clear that she wasn't going to acknowlege the invitation or attend was unbelieveable.

I no longer have to be around people who purposely embarrass me, tell me how shit I am, or bitch about me to my face. Of course they are telling anyone who will listen what a bitch I am, but I have realised that everyone can see through them.