Hope that's OK, I just can't think straight.
I have 2 brothers, one older, one younger. Db1 is 9 years older, has a different dad to me, but was adopted by mine. He left home when I was 7, so I don't know him that well. Db2 is 5 years younger, and still lives with mum. My dad died about 5 years ago.
I don't recall when there were first rumours of child abuse about my dad, but I remember hearing something, so when my mum told me aged 16 'he has a problem with young boys', I wasn't surprised. I didn't really understand what she meant though.
Db1 has always been painted as a junkie and a liar, which I accepted when I was younger, but as I got older I've realised that his troubles could very well be related to his childhood, and this made me uncomfortable. Unfortunately, I had already lost contact with him for about 10 years by this point, and it's not the sort of thing you can ring someone out of the blue and bring up, and I didn't know where he was. I just hoped he was doing OK.
Last year, my mum decided to apply to become a foster carer. I was shocked since I thought something must have gone on, since she herself told me 'there was a problem' and I know how detailed social services are in their checks. I knew I would have to tell the social worker what I'd heard, but I didn't have to since they spoke to db1 first. SW came back to say that he had suffered severe abuse from a very young age, and mum didn't protect him, so no way would she be considered. SW also entwined into her feedback that some half remembered things that db2 had related meant it was very likely he had also been abused.
Mum hit the roof, she said no way had either been abused but some things 'shouldn't have happened'. I absolutely believed SW's report and wanted to shun mum and support my brothers. Db2 begged me to stay in contact with her while he attempted to contact db1 and see what he wanted to happen. He didn't want more drama at home at that stage, while he was still living there, which was fair enough, but I found it very hard not to have a blazing row with mum.
Db2 made contact with db1 who is very angry about things, but mainly about the SW, since he says the accounts blow everything out of proportion. He says he was abused but nowhere near the scale implied in her report, and the stuff that was tied in with db2 is untrue. I cannot think why he would lie about this since he is alleging abuse, but on a fairly 'minor' (comparatively) scale. I believe him.
I wanted to contact db1 at this stage, but db2 asked me to let him get to know him first and sort things out. He was insistent that he would not let this lie, and we would jointly support db1. He had blazing rows with mum, begging her to consider the fact that db1 had suffered, but she completely lost the plot and threw him out several times. In the face of this he backed down somewhat, and I didn't really know what to do. I didn't want to force db1 to talk to me until he was ready, it wasn't my battle, and he prob didn't want his kid sister thinking that sort of stuff about him and his dad, so I stopped contact with mum. She phoned twice during 6 months, but I didn't phone at all.
Then she phoned to say she had cancer. I felt bad, and decided regardless of everything else, she deserves to have help during the treatment, the rest would have to wait. So I rearranged my summer so I can be available. None of the complicated stuff was mentioned. I phoned a few times to see how things were.
She was scheduled for an op last Thursday, so I phoned on Weds evening to wish her well. A good chatty 30 min convo, and she finished with 'well I don't mind dying really, just not yet since I've not sorted out the will. I only want it going 2 ways, but your dad left it to go to all 3 of you, I need to sort it before I pop my clogs.' Chipper as you like!
I couldn't ignore that, I just couldn't! So on the eve of mum's cancer op I started world war 3. Db1 has prob suffered all his life due to this, I'm not having it any more, and I'm not sweeping it under the carpet. Which I told her, and she hit the roof, got really upset, refused to listen to anything, recanted every 'bad' thing db1 had ever done, including toddler tantrums to prove how bad he always had been. I lost the plot, and managed to get db1's phone number off her, and phoned him out of the blue for the first time in 20 years.
He was lovely. He couldn't stop apologising for being horrid to me when I was little, which he said was him taking out on me what dad was doing to him (nasty, not abusive). I don't remember that at all, just some teasing, I have virtually all good memories of my big bro. He recounted the details that I had received through db2, which he didn't know I had, and since they match completely, I believe him even more. He has since phoned mum, but he doesn't want to go into the details with her, which is fair enough, but she says thats proof he's lying. He says he can't handle being called a liar again, so won't speak to her about it. She says she will believe him if he says to her face, and then in the same breath says 'NO, it absolutely did not happen!' I have asked her to accept that it COULD have happened, and she absolutely will not, so I don't blame db1 for not confronting her.
I'm furious with her, but what do I do now? I have promised to support her through the cancer, which I feel anyone is entitled to. And as much as I am angry with her, I don't feel it's fair for her to carry the can for all of dad's 'doings'. As far as I know she was never involved in any of it. I just wish she would accept that something could have gone on.
Mum though, is not someone to drop anything...ever. So every time I phone to see how she's doing, I'll get a brief medical rundown, and then she'll start with a further list of reasons not to trust db1. It's sending me nuts!
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Can I just unload a load of crapness? EPIC!
22 replies
SEmyarse · 27/07/2014 18:48
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