Really rubbish sex life. Advice needed.

[Onaccountofnothing]

I have been with my DH for thirteen years and in the last six our sex life has become progressively more shit. I have been upfront yet sensitive about this but he ignores me.

We average sex once every three months. The last time involved no foreplay and he just pointed at his cock and said come on then. Because we do it so little I went with it and it was the usual boring experience. If I try and change positions or suggest something new he sort of faffs, panics and the loses his erection.

It is so tedious. It's always me having to get on top, he then loses his erection or nothing happens, I climb off and he wanks himself off furiously with a death grip.

When I have attempted to introduce toys he visibly cringes and does that insecure-I'm so not into this- which is a complete turn off.

He is always wanting cuddles , dozens of times a day,but hasn't kissed me in over a month or made any sexual approaches to me.

He doesn't like giving women oral sex and on the two occasions he has he has gagged. I have NEVER had this response before and I am very clean so it's not a hygiene thing but utterly mortifying. He has suggested doing it since but funny enough I haven't felt comfortable.

I don't really know what I am asking but I am feeling more and more angry towards him as time goes by. I miss having great sex.

"What is a dearh grip?"

Describes only being able to ejaculate by means of an artificially firm hold on the penis - a sensation that can't be replicated by vaginal intercourse. It's a desensitisation problem and often associated with excessive reliance on masturbation.

I just wonder if the OP has a particularly bad lover for DH. Take away the ED problems, late sexual start and fondness for porn and what you're left with is someone who doesn't seem to be at all interested in giving pleasure, only taking it.

Cogito, your definition is way more articulate (and mature) than mine.

If it's mature it's only because I'm an old git :)

I would also bet heavily on him being a very regular porn user. Classic symptoms.

He sounds like my ex who also lost his virginity late and found it hard to maintain an erection. I think now that he is probably gay, or at least vastly prefers men to women. I also found sex very tedious and I am still damaged by the whole experience. Sorry no real advice but you need to think about whether you want to stay with him or not.

I would bet a signficant amount that he is lying to you about the porn.

If he was a porn user previously, then he is ok with it and has the association: porn = easy gratification, no hard work (and, for a self-conscious man) no embarrassment.

So I would bet my hat that the root of your troubles lie here.

Porn combined with a selfish and lazy person who has little interest in emotional connection AND is quite self-conscious adds up to a 'perfect storm' of 'utterly shit sexual partner'.

It goes: developing a good sex life is WORK. It means putting in good loving quality time with your partner. It involves 'putting yourself out there' and not being shy of learning new things or being told, maybe, that you could be doing something better. It involves communication.

All of this is not very appealing to a selfish lazy man. But of course he does have a sex drive, so how to deal? Well, porn of course. It starts off with him feeling horny and you not being around/it not being the right time and ends up with him simply finding it easier, more instant pleasure to simply have a sly wank.

Soon, he has less and less sexual connection with you and desires real, messy, effort-filled sex less and less. He gets so used to gripping himself hard (the death grip!) while wanking that PIV sex feels nowhere near as intense. He starts to lose his erection when you do have sex as a result of this - and the slippery slope gets even slipperier. And that's where you are.

This should now be about what you want. Do you think it - he - is worth the effort it would take to try and sort this out? Is he wonderful in all other respects? I would, again, bet my hat that the answer will be no, because this whole issue partly starts from the fact that he is selfish and lazy.

Castle has put it so well.

I would just like to say that men can have ED that are not heavy porn users, or gay. Some of the responses are very harsh towards men.

Men with ED can still be physically affectionate towards their partners. If he's getting a harsh reaction it's not because he has ED but because he is showing the OP no affection. The porn use is a reasonable speculation.

ED doesn't mean sex or a relationship has to be bad. There are other things to do whilst the issues around the ed are resolved. Plenty of men can manage it.

The problem this guy has is he's a thoughtless, selfish moron who in all likelihood is busy getting his rocks off to strangers on the Internet instead of prioritising his wife's happiness and their relationship.

Well he cuddles her dozens of times a day. That's not 'no affection'. You lot are jumping to a lot of conclusions

Don't get me wrong, you could be right about this guy, but it makes me uncomfortable that a lot of you seem to think that ED equals gay or addicted to porn

He just sounds totally turned off by the idea of having a physical relationship, lots of cuddles, no kisses and definitely no sex - why would anyone accept this as being ok if they want a fulfilling sex life with their partner?

hasn't kissed me in over a month or made any sexual approaches to me

I cuddle my dog every day dozens of times. There's affection and affection between a couple.

Perhaps being less selective with the quotation you choose to use gives you your answer?

A while ago I lost my sex drive totally due to depression, I couldn't bear my husband to touch me. Does that make me a thoughtless selfish moron? Should my DH have left me because he has a right to a fulfilling sex life?

The difference between you and the man in the OP InSpace is that you presumably were unhappy enough about your feelings to do something about it, get treatment for your depression, apologise for the rejection etc? Your DH presumably still felt that you loved him and you were worth the wait?

Well actually it went on for a long time and I had no idea it was due to depression. It was very difficult to talk about and I'm sure DH felt very rejected. What I'm saying is, it's a very complicated area with no clear cut answers. He might love her to pieces and just be not very good at showing it.

Unless he talks about it and actually seeks help in finding out then there's not a lot the OP can do.

He has to take some responsibility for causing the situation, in fact the situation sounds like it's been going on for years, that's a long time to be depressed.

Also, the way he is making her feel will soul destroying, pointing at his cock ok then you can have it....? Gagging at oral....?

inspace if your dh wanted to end your relationship that is his perogative. I have bipolar and if my dh is not happy with sex or anything else then he can end it. That for me is an argument for a different thread. But anyone can decide the sexual relationship is not what they want and end it. Why on earth not? It's a huge part of a relationship and has all sorts of negative knock on effects that can be really damaging. If op ultimately decided she wanted out as a result of this she is perfectly justified in doing so.

Where does it say the husband is depressed or struggling with a health issue that might affect all of this? If there was, then I suspect the responses would be quite different. Some of us are making judgements because we have been there and experienced it. This is typical behaviour from a man who puts his own wants first and yes, is an avid porn user. And it is not fun to be on the receiving end.

I think you are not looking at the whole picture but you are welcome to disagree. From what the op has said, yes he is a thoughtless, selfish moron and I pity her. The comment alone about the ex girlfriend is enough, let alone the rest. What woman would want to be with a man who treats her like this? For six years? With no end in sight?

Op, so sorry, the last sentence was not meant to disparage you in any way or anyone else going through this for that matter. I was thinking at the time of writing what one of my friends said to me once the relationship ended and I felt really bad about it and hurting him and which was exactly that. 'what woman would want to be treated like this?' to try and make me realise I had nothing to feel bad about. And my now dh still looks at me and says 'eight years? Really?' when he hears another gem about my ex.

I would also be interested to hear if a friend told you about this - what would your reaction be?

Well, obviously it doesn't say he is depressed or has a health issue. The point I'm making is, I was like this for years and it was actually depression causing it although we didn't realise it at the time. I'm not saying this is the problem with the OP's partner. I'm just saying that it seems like, on MN, if a woman doesn't want to provide loads of great sex, then that's fine, it's her body, her husband shouldn't feel 'entitled' to it. But if a bloke isn't providing loads of great sex then he must be a selfish thoughtless moron, or gay, and she should LTB