Is it EVER possible for an affair to have ZERO impact on a marriage?

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I'd really like to know whether it's possible for an affair to have zero impact on a marriage if the wife/husband doesn't know that their spouse is cheating?

Is it possible to really keep an affair and marriage completely separate and distinct? To 'compartmentalise' to such an extent that a husband/wife is maintained as the primary relationship and there is no 'crossover' of priorities, that the husband/wife continues to put their spouse first?

I think it would take the most extraordinary level of selfishness and deceit to achieve this but maybe that capacity for deceit is already there?

I have a reason for asking; my friend (whose ended affair I've mentioned) seems to have re-written it in her head and says it had no impact to his wife until she found out about it. I disagree with her.

Many (successful) men feel no guilt for having an affair. They have a sense of entitlement.

They are also already living mostly separate lives from their wives and kids - because successful men aren't successful because they work 40 hours a week and go home.

I think only sociopaths can truly separate their feelings to such a degree.

It doesn't matter if the affair is purely physical, or if the wife knows or not. It is, in itself, a shitty, cowardly thing to do.

The example the op gives is ludicrous. Its like saying "hey I've drained our joint savings accounts which are 50/50 contributed to, but its okay because she hasn't noticed yet, and I always give her enough money so that she doesn't feel poor".

It's possible - woman at work didn't find out about her Husbands OW until it had been going on for about 14 years - by then her H and OW had a 12 year old son.

Currently a man at work has been conducting a 3 year affair with someone else at work whilst his oblivious wife carries on. W is a very busy lawyer, life is full of nannies/domestic arrangements and a full social calender. He meets his mistress every lunchtime and the odd day here and there.

Just because it is unknown doesn't mean it doesn't have an impact... there is a price whether it is time, emotional or financial. The person who knows loses a certain amount of peace of mind regardless of how entitled or compartmentalised they are... as soon as someone starts lying it is enviable

I agree with belagh

Just because a betrayed partner doesn't find out, doesn't mean there has been no impact on the marriage

Time, money and attention stolen from the primary family has a detrimental effect...how could it not ?

I want to know where do people find the time for affairs!

We know someone who felt entitled to have an affair. To him it was one of the trappings. Nice house, nice car, lovely wife, children at private school, etc.

I guess it just shows how some men view their families and women as posessions.

I am sure there are some couples with "open marriages" who manage successfully have affairs, because it's agreed before hand that they are both happy with that happening. Which is fine, if both truly are happy with the situation in the first place.

I agree that there's a loss to the marriage. It might be minor (if the person wasn't a great participant in the first place) or really significant if prior to the affair they were decent and 'whole' in their relationship.

Looking at what my friend has given up, no - thrown away - for her relationship with her married partner, I can't see how she would have covered it up. There would have been signs (with her). I didn't spot them though and we were very close. :(

I know her affair partner slightly; we've worked together on occasions and he seems to be quite 'masterful' in deception. He knows that his ex is my friend. I'm fascinated to watch him... in so much as you would observe, behind toughened glass, a cobra.

I've always thought that if affair partners can't/won't stop themselves having the affair, won't confess, won't end it - then the best they can do is at least keep the marriages intact by making sure that 'status quo' is maintained and the husband/wife is not hurt by their actions outside the home.

I don't know what I think now but I've come to the conclusion that:

a) It can possibly 'work' as described by Lighthousekeeping and WildBill; funnily enough it's men in both cases.
and
b) Looking at the mess of my friend's life, men are far, far better at keeping emotions in check than women are. That's not meant to be a sexist comment, merely an observation that I think that women place more emphasis on emotion than men do.

I read somewhere that having an affair is what you do when you're not quite ready for suicide... and I think that's apt really. Emotions do come into it and with that comes a heck of a lot of pain - and that's just for the affair partners.

Well, yes. Having an affair is not that many steps away from suicide I guess. It can certainly completely implode your life , but more importantly the lives of those close to you.

Agree with you completely on that AF. I wonder how many people who have had - or are having - affairs would push a re-set button if they could? Take them back to just before they crossed the line, but with the knowledge that they now have. The changes they would make right now...

I don't believe that people set out to hurt their loved ones or themselves but they just don't take enough care NOT to do it, possibly because they believe themselves to be invincible and that reckoning day will never come.

I've always thought that good people do hurtful, stupid things for selfish reasons but, when the truth comes to light, they are eaten up inside and, even if forgiven, it would be like living some kind of a half-life. You can't be 'whole' again and, if emotion doesn't come into it before the end of the affair, it certainly comes into it afterwards.

What I said about suicide being apt, it wasn't a flippant comment. My friend was so distraught at the end of her affair that she was talking about it constantly. Horrendous time for everybody involved, no more 'giddy' moments, that's for sure.

I don't think anybody took it as a flippant comment. This stuff destroys people, both the givers and the receivers (as it were)

Yes. If the one having the affair has always been a compartmentaliser and has always had flings here and there then the other party will not see a difference in behaviour. I suspect there are plenty of marriages that are like this.

If the marriage was a true partnership then no, it's not possible for an affair to go un-noticed. The wronged party might not realise that there's a third person in the marriage but they'll sure as hell know that something is wrong.

Absolutely AF, no argument from me on that at all. It's possibly the most destructive and divisive thing that can ever happen to a couple because one of them made it happen.

I was with my friend the other night, having a rare night in with her and we were watching Harry Potter something or other. I can't remember which one it was but it was great not having her talking about married man... and then the scene with Voldemort came on where he was drinking unicorn blood and I think it was Hagrid who said something about it, ie. if you drink unicorn blood you become a creature living a half-life (which is probably where I got the thought from).

... anyway, she piped up that that's what having an affair is like, condemns you to a half-life of sorts. I wonder what her ex-husband thinks? Poor man.

andsmile said this back up the thread: Of course it bloody does because the unfaithful party changes their behaviour towards their spouse. This in turn prompts a response from them and so on - the interaction between the two in the primary relationship.

I thought that was really pertinent and it ties in with what you're saying, BeforeAndAfter. Something going on but you can't put your finger on it, you just know that something is wrong. I imagine that the betrayer has to work very hard at remembering how things used to be and trying to make them the same.

Affair/suicide analogy is interesting.

I had an EA. I knew it was wrong and it would end badly and I felt like I was on a self destruct path I couldn't stop, or didn't want too. I know I was in control but I did feel a bit like I wasn't.