where's the line between justified suspicion and insecurity

[Baabaapinksheep]

Something I've been pondering for a while. I've yet to be a in relationship where the other person is faithful and this has made it very difficult for me to trust the person that I am now seeing. I'm assuming that it is only a matter of time before he cheats on me.

I know that I have my own insecurities due to past experience and don't want to second guess everything he says/does, but at the same time I don't want to be naive and trust everything he says.

How can you really know that someone is not lying to you? Should you trust someone unless you have a reason not to? But then how do you know whether the lack of trust is down to your own insecurity or not?

It must be awful living like that. I'd say trust until you get reasons otherwise.

I think the only way you know that someone is lying is after you've got to know them properly. There will be 'tells' and giveaways in their manner that you'll come to recognise. In the meantime, until you get to know them, I think it helps to employ some mild cynicism rather than out and out suspicion. Don't take them fully on face-value (that would be naïve), but be realistic, especially in the early days. Assume there's a little exaggeration and bending of the truth going on. Be alert to inconsistencies in stories. Ask questions. I also think it helps to approach the whole relationship on the basis that, if you have to give them the heave-ho, it's not the end of the world... a little emotional distance rather than hearts on sleeves.

I think that part of the problem is that I don't trust myself to pick up on the signals, my ex cheated on me more than once but I had no idea, I never suspected anything!

I got it so wrong in the past, so can't rely on my gut instinct about someone. If I can't trust myself how can I trust someone else? Does it come with age and experience?

Well your problem isn't that you're too suspicious...you're seeing the wrong guys

If this is your experience, then why on earth would you trust anyone.

You learn what you live. This isnt an issue with you not being able to trust people. Its an issue with you being fucked over one too many times.

Hopefully in time, youll find someone who is trustworthy, but trust is a feeling that comes naturally when someone earns it. Not something you should feel bad about for not having, and you dont ever have to trust someone 100%
Someone who does that is a fool

That's the thing though, if you don't have any reason not to trust someone how do you know they're no good?

I trusted my ex 100% and got it wrong. It's really putting me off being with anyone again in case the same thing happens.

X post. Yes that makes sense. Maybe it's something that will come in time.

Do you routinely trust people and believe everything they say? Are you very unquestioning typically? Are you too willing to believe what they say as long as it's nice? Are you too eager to please? Don't like confrontation? You will be getting the same signals as anyone else and some people can be extremely convincing liars but perhaps there are things you can work on personally to give you a better chance.

I'm not hugely trusting and tend to be quite cynical, more so as I've got older. I'm quite observant so would notice if someone's story about something changed or something didn't add up. But at the same time I'm not sure I would know if someone lied to me about something, unless it sounded unbelievable or didn't add up with something they had said/done previously.

I want to find the balance between being too trusting and getting taken advantage of, and not trusting enough and inevitably screwing up a potential relationship.

youre doubting yoursekf because he successfully pulled the wool over your eyes. I imagine most people that have had this happen will go through a time of massive self doubt like this

there is a type of people who are very good liars, like your ex. It's not yourt fault if you didn't suss it as he may have been vey good at it - the point os to avoid such men (minority thankfully! most people who try to lie, slip up quickly). You need to observe what he's like generally, regadless of your relationship.
Listento how he describes any episodes from his past, and how he handles minor unpleasant situations - does he tend to boast that ho's got away with something by being clever? or that at work he had to lie (even white lies) and managed to get away with it, etc.

See how he is with others - does he conceal stuff well with his facial expressions/body language? Most people are not good at this consistently - if you notice that someone is very good with controlling their body language while in people-facing stressful situations, I'd avoid if you have trust issues (or take a long time getting to know them at least).

Of course, it matters what his values are, try and raise the subject subtlely, on unrelated subject, what is his attitude re honesty? Or even better, talk about a person who lies and see what he says about them.

Thank you, that really helps. I'll keep my eye out and hopefully spot anything dodgy.

Not all men are like my ex, but it might take more time for me to be able to trust properly again.