Asking your permission then ignoring your answer?

[Boomerwang]

My DP wanted to buy some 'herbs' last night and asked my permission because he knows I don't like him using it and I've told him he can never use our money to purchase it. We are lucky to have a little money this month and he wanted to spend some of it on this stuff. He asked, I said no. Then he stayed there and I could see his cogs whirring, thinking of ways to change my mind. My answer stayed the same the whole way through his attempt to 'reason with' me. In the end I said 'you're going to buy it anyway aren't you? Even though I said no?' I wanted to know what my opinion was worth if he would ignore an answer that he didn't like.

He didn't buy it in the end, or so he says. We already have trust issues so it's tricky to work out if he's telling the truth sometimes. I told him to never ask my permission on something again unless he's willing to accept my answer. However, not asking permission means he will suffer my wrath if I find out he's done something I wouldn't ordinarily let him do. I sound controlling, but it's with good reason as he cannot handle money responsibly and we have a toddler to think about.

How should I realistically deal with this, though?

No chance of meeting anyone in England??
Getting on a bit at 32??

Yeah, I picked up on that too, green...

You shouldn't be in a relationship with someone when you have to tell them not to do things.

You have to ask yourself if you are happy with a person who does or wants to do those things. If they do they you don't have a relationship with him. It's very simple.
I assume you are both young (I don't mean this is a patronising way!) so you should know that there are plenty of people out there who have the same views as you on things and who you won't need to "change".

It's a common thing to subconsciously think "if they change for me then I must be really special to them". It never works out. You just set yourself up for a fall.

Sorry just read your update and read that you aren't young.

So he was on probation and rather than that punishment making him turn his life around, he counted down the days and then just continued again. You took him like this, you are stuck with him I'm afraid.

Would you have the resources to live separately?

Hello and thanks for further responses. I would find it difficult to leave him because of our daughter. I'd have to move back to the UK and I'm not that certain I would have the right to bring her with me. She has a Swedish passport. Apart from that, I don't actually want to split them up, they love each other very much. I also love him, despite these issues and I know he loves me. I'd rather work through it than chuck in the towel.

In the UK I worked in care with other, much older women. I never met any men, at least none that I wanted to have a relationship with, and I'm not the type to go to a bar on my own. I used to have body issues (still fat, just don't care so much now) and I was still feeling the death of my fiance every day because I couldn't let go. I had not even an ounce of desire for anyone else until I met my dp and it was his voice I heard before I saw his face (VOIP - like Skype) and I instantly knew I'd be with him before the year was out, and I was right.

Anyway, love story told, I still don't know how to solve the problem of him asking for my blessing (as opposed to permission now) to do something I don't want him to do. If I should let him make his own decisions, what do I do when we run out of money for food? Ignore that he spent thirty quid on something that gets him off his face at night AND made him eat more food?

I don't know what the solution is. In my eyes its a bad thing, he shouldn't be doing it. I couldn't even be friends with him never mind live in the same house with him but that's your choice. I suppose what it comes down to is that fact that you don't really have the money for him to be doing it so he needs to stop. End of. Or he needs to get a job paying more money. But really he just needs to stop.

If I should let him make his own decisions, what do I do when we run out of money for food? Ignore that he spent thirty quid on something that gets him off his face at night AND made him eat more food?

Yes. You will have to ignore it as you are not willing to do anything else.

You say he loves his daughter. She will grow up knowing that he loves her, just that he loves weed more. He loves it enough to let her go hungry. Is that ok with you?

Are you a British citizen by birth? If so, your daughter is a British citizen by descent and you could send off for her passport tomorrow. Dual nationality has been allowed in Sweden since 2001 and it's allowed in the UK. www.gov.uk/check-british-citizen

Not that it makes a great deal of difference. Why would you have to move back to the UK if you split up? Employment might be hard without language skills, but it would be in the UK with a small child. If you stay where you are, you're an EU citizen and would be covered by the Swedish welfare system (I assume?), and your partner would have to contribute, right?

You sound under-informed and as if you haven't considered your rights, but you need to get information about your situation because you can't rely on your partner. Luckily you're in a country where lots of people speak your language, and there's loads of information on the Internet in English. Look up information on embassay sites and go to the equivalent of the CAB and get informed.

I would go to the UK because that's where my parents live and they have always told me that they'd get me a plane ticket the same day if I asked them to. They don't like my dp and they resented that I moved abroad and had my child away from them in the first place. I would therefore have support if I had to start again in a new place. Plus I've been here for so long and have never been able to find a job that paid a proper salary, just bitwork here and there, despite being at an average level of learning for the Swedish language.

If I left him and moved to the UK with my daughter, I would break three hearts. If I stay, then at least one heart remains whole.

His heart remains whole but what about your daughter? Surely she deserves more than this?

I meant my daughter :/

She hasn't got a clue what's going on. In front of her we are always nice and make nice sounds, apart from one or two humdingers in the past.

Here's another scenario: you stay there, but split up with him. Your daughter grows up in contact with both parents (and her grandparents visit). She enjoys being with a mother who is not angry and worried all the time. You meet a loving, decent, hard-working man and he is a great stepfather to your daughter. Your Swedish improves, and along with it your self-esteem as you know you have the willpower to get through a difficult situation and have learnt and grown.

How long have you been in Sweden? Three or four years? I found it took about 5 years in Germany (without actual lessons) to be able to hold a basic conversation with native speakers talking at a normal pace. Another 5 years not to sound like a bit of a moron while doing so. Now after 22 years I've almost got the hang of it. If you say you're at an average level that sounds quite positive to me. Your line of work might actually be quite a good one as you can get away with a fairly limited range of phrases, and there are usually quite a few foreigners doing that kind of thing (unfortunately as it is not that well paid, though!). Qualifications might be hard to match; you might want to start looking into that now while you are still at home with your child.

She hasn't got a clue now but she will as she gets older. Also, you said he is spending food money on weed, so she is most definitely taking second place to his habit.

That's just it, he didn't spend the money in the end, my issue was with the intensity of this discussion where he tried to make reasons that he could spend the cash on weed. Ultimately I had said 'oh do what you want to do, you will anyway' but I didn't like being made to feel that I had to decide if he could or not, I wanted him to already know that it was a bad idea. I wanted him to have thought it through prior to asking me, and to have reached the same conclusion that I had. Since this didn't happen, I was made to feel as though I was denying him of something he really wanted - which I was - but it could have been a new fishing rod or something and that would have been unreasonable for me to say no to, right?

You should be an equal partner in a relationship where both people have responsibility. The problem is that you are not: he is not acting responsibly. That's why you are being forced into the unreasonable position of having to "deny" him things he wants: because he is acting like a small child. You're forced to act controlling, then you get accused of being a controlling bitch. This pattern will no doubt repeat itself.

He should be aware of how much he can spend. He should be checking his bank balance and saying "Oh dear, we have to cut back this month. No weed for me". But he isn't, and that must make you very worried. He could drag you into his debts.

You already said that maybe he did get the weed, just secretly. You know that he is secretive, hiding his drunk driving ban until you'd already committed! That should have made you run a mile, but you were (understandably) excited about your dream of happily settling down, and willing to turn a blind eye to anything.

That's what a lack of self-esteem does to you. You may now feel happier about your body shape, but I bet that in fact, it is your poor self-esteem that is now still leading you to come up with reasons to stay with this loser.

If you don't want to break up there are other ways to manage finances that will give you a bit more control and possibly help your dh to be more responsible. You have three bank accounts. One for household costs, and one each for spending money. You work out together what needs to go into household costs (can be a really good exercise working out what you really need as a family and how much that costs) and then split the rest in a way that seems equitable. You might want to have a savings account too. That way you know that costs are covered and you both have a little extra. That extra gets spent on whatever each of you want with no need to ask permission or worry. Alternately you use cash for the spending money (ie spare gets divided and again is subject only to individual wishes).

My dh was rubbish with money and it led to huge fights between us. Now we don't really need to talk about money any more, except when deciding together on any bigger spending. Our individual money can be saved or spent and is not for discussion. This means I don't feel I am subsidizing dh's smoking for example, wish I absolutely hated. When we were very hard up dh found that having a certain amount of cash was a very good discipline.

Have to say I don't feel smoking the occasional spliff is a particularly big deal, so long as it's like the occasional drink, so a nice relaxing hour or so at the weekend rather than a debilitating habit.

Well I'm worried that it is becoming such a habit, as at first it was just a few tokes on someone else's spliff, then going round at night purely to have a smoke and coming back, then staying round all night to have several, and now wanting to buy his own weed. He had bought some before and made out that it was paid for by money owed to him. I found out the truth from our mutual friends (where he goes to smoke the weed) that not only had he bought it himself, he'd bought theirs for them too. This made me livid but I took time to calm down and confront him gently about his lie. He admitted that he didn't know why he'd lied to me. I said it was because he knew what my reaction would have been. I told him that this time I will let it go, but to know that he cannot ever do it again.

Unless he's lied again this time, then at least he showed enough respect to ask me first. I'm just concerned he didn't consider that I might say no, and therefore how to proceed from there wasn't something he'd thought about because he knew in the end he'd just do what he wanted anyway.

I'd like to have separate accounts for our own spending money, but we don't really HAVE spending money, if you see? Once the bills are paid, the groceries are bought, we have about £50 left. Hard to split.

I do have a paypal account and any money I receive from my parents for example, for a birthday or something, stays in there until I want to use it. I usually just save it until it's someone else's birthday then use it to get a present.