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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will I ever stop loving him?

22 replies

Hup · 26/07/2014 17:01

My DH of 16 years walked out five months ago after a couple of bad months of him trying to decide if he still loved me or not, I did not help as after a year of ill health following a miscarriage I was unable to cope and every time he said something to me I gave it back tenfold. There is no one else involved and I just can't stop loving him. Sometimes we get on ok and others we argue. Every time we argue he uses this as a "see why I left" ...

The arguments are silly backstabbing types started by either of us.

He asks me not to contact him, so I don't - and he contacts me - that sort of thing.

I just love him, miss our life and my poor DS has been really bad ( another story).
Just that really.

OP posts:
chinamoon · 26/07/2014 17:16

Is there any chance he'd agree to couples counselling? If it is as straightforward as you say: massive rows due to MC stress and no one else involved, I'd think there's a massive chance you can both overcome this.

But if you can't, well you may not stop loving him but you will stop feeling this bad and you will start enjoying life again. Even a year from now you could look back on this post and see how far you've come.

For now, put yourself and your DS first. Make a priority of treating yourselves extremely well - lovely food, small treats, excuses to have a laugh together, get out and about. If you can, visit family and friends to help him understand that a lot of people in his life are still stable and available just as they always were, and play whatever part you can in ensuring he keeps a good relationship with his dad.

Only you know if your anger and emotional response to him was truly out of control and disproportionate or whether he is using that as an excuse. If it was really out of character, it could be due to depression brought on by your MC and could be helped by counselling or ADs.

Try to ditch the anger and blame when you do end up talking to him. Stay civilised and cheerful if you can manage it. And keep building small things into your life that you can look forward to, especially things that don't remind you of him - girls' nights out or a new hobby.

It gets better.

Original poster
Hup · 26/07/2014 20:12

Thank you cinnamon. He does use my behaviour as an excuse - we have both behaved irrationally and out of character - wanting to hurt each other. He has looked a lot to justify what he has done.

Sadly and bizarrley a couple of mutual female friends (both married) got involved and spread stories between us that we both stupidly believed (we had no reason not to as they were alleged friends!) . This caused a lot of mistrust.

I also believed it was a breakdown ( he has had them before) and he is adamant it wasn't.

DS and I are doing lots of exciting things. Sadly DS is a real emotional wreck - very uoset by change (under camhs, suspected to be on spectrum). We both just miss him and it is so hard for me to be upbeat all the time!!

OP posts:
chinamoon · 26/07/2014 21:07

Well I don't think you should put pressure on yourself to seem happy all the time. If you explain that you're sad at the moment about DH leaving but whatever happens you'll handle it, you would be teaching him how to cope when things get rough.

Original poster
Hup · 27/07/2014 00:18

Thanks. I never thought this would happen to me - we were/are so right for each other. The thought of him meeting someone else kills me

OP posts:
Isetan · 27/07/2014 08:43

Disengage, disengage, disengage. You're still engaged in the 'drama' which marred your marriage. I know you're hurting and you love him but you need to break the habit of being sucked into this corrosive attachment and focus on yourself and your son. It is hard thing to admit that the relationship that you have invested so much in isn't workng and even harder to accept that the person you love doesn't want to continue the relationship but you really don't have a choice.

Original poster
Hup · 27/07/2014 09:24

I know I need to - but 16 years is a long time to wipe out

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/07/2014 10:04

Agreeing with Isetan you have to find the strength and self-respect to reject him properly rather than keep clinging onto the crumbs of interest he throws your way and then letting him reject you over and over again. It's very cruel behaviour on his part. A clean break is the only way forward. It doesn't 'wipe out' 16 years but, carry on as you are, and you'll just get more and more depressed. It's not him having a breakdown, it's you.

Do you have friends or family that will support you in keeping him out of your life?

chinamoon · 27/07/2014 20:48

Cogito how on earth can you diagnose a breakdown on the strength of a few internet posts?

OP some people on MN have a massive impulse to spread doom and gloom about any relationship in trouble. Yes, it's very tough for you but it may or may not be the end. the important things is to stay string and to feel in control of how much communication you have with your DP. No need to make the mistake of deciding whether things are over or not. Just focus on taking good care of yourself and your child. the rest will follow, and whether you reunite or part, if you stay focused on looking after yourself and your son, you can't go wrong.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/07/2014 21:21

I'm not diagnosing anything. I'm using the word 'breakdown' in the colloquial sense. The OP is upset, confused, & deeply troubled having been rejected not once but many times by the same person. Yet all the sympathy seems to be with Mr Breakdown Hmm It's not a question of 'it may or may not be the end', if the OP ever wants to move on and find peace of mind, she has to put an end to his ability to hurt her. It's called being strong.

Isetan · 27/07/2014 21:26

No need to make the mistake of deciding whether things are over or not.. OP's H has walked out on her, she can't make the mistake of staying or ending her marriage because her opinion wasn't canvassed. I don't think Cog was suggesting that OP's H was having a breakdown but rather stating that the OP was heading for one if she didn't disengage from her H.

Isetan · 27/07/2014 21:27

X posted.

Original poster
Hup · 27/07/2014 23:43

Thanks I think? No breakdown here from me and have been incredibly strong _ I just still love him and the place we are in we hurt each other. Tried staying away. One of us caves in.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/07/2014 00:15

Do. Or do not. There is no try Yoda: Empire Strikes Back

Either commit to get back together or commit to stay apart. Limbo hurts everyone.

Original poster
Hup · 28/07/2014 00:20

I sense the darkness in you, cog!!! Seriously I know I need to stay away. He is like a drug I can't function without. I need to go to man rehab!!!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/07/2014 00:30

You can stay away. Like all addictive substances, it's tough to leave them alone to begin with but it gets easier with time. Set your boundaries, find people and activities to fill the gaps he left behind and make a particular effort to keep any communications to the bare essentials concerning DS.

Jan45 · 28/07/2014 12:04

5 months is not long enough to get over a 16 year relationship, going back will just be more of the same so what is the point, I know it's hard but you need to build a life for yourself, you are possibly focusing on it because you don't have enough going on in your life, you will be amazed at how keeping busy helps your mind to think better.

You can still love him, living together though doesn't look an option anymore......I think for as long as you are engaging in the drama, you wont be able to move on.

Jan45 · 28/07/2014 12:09

Every time we argue he uses this as a "see why I left" ...

This is why you shouldn't go back there.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/07/2014 12:34

You can stay away. I know it feels like yu can't but it is the only way you will have the space t start to heal.

Trust me, I know how hard it is. But it can be done.

Original poster
Hup · 29/07/2014 11:41

DS and I are really busy - I work in a school
So lovely long holiday ahead. Off to Spain, Wales and London. Meeting friends etc.
H has taken 4 days off to see DS - I have tried to persuade him to take him camping but he is not sure if he can!

I will get through it, no breakdown (still think he has as we had such a great relationship until things went tits up at work). I just still love and am in love with him.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 29/07/2014 11:54

You can still love a person but if it doesn't work, it doesn't work, if you actually give yourself time to be on your own and not part of a couple you will start to realise this..............but you have to give yourself that chance.

Phoenixrising99 · 30/07/2014 17:47

Cogito gives brilliant advice, trust me.

It is early days and I would say get through one day at a time. I let my husband come back after his affair and he stayed 2 weeks and left again as the woman who he had had an affair with was playing the cold, hard to get one. That got him back! I was the weak needy one and he left again - I should never have believed him and been so desperate to have him back. But still...I loved him etc and wanted him to come back to us and have councilling.... Anyway big hugs

Original poster
Hup · 30/07/2014 20:50

Thank you all

OP posts:
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