Ive lost my pregnant partner, shes left and need advice desperately.

[1Lostsoul]

I thought id post this here because i'm at a complete loss with what to do now. I had only been with my partner 3 months when she became pregnant and the first month or so of pregnancy was so exciting but as the pregnancy went on we struggled a little with finances and the usual stuff and it started to cause little rows. I was starting to get very anxious and stressed at this point which ended up making me come across as a controlling person (especially with finances) as i just wanted everything done right for the baby. I also committed a massive sin of being very hot and cold with her 3yr old daughter which i know is terrible and im struggling to forgive myself. Shes a great little kid. I realize this was wrong but at the time just didn't accept that I was doing it, i guess you could say i was in denial. We had a few mini breakups where she spent a night at her mums. It finally came to a head and she moved out...

I was distraught and she was at this point (2 wks ago) 7 months pregnant. I felt like my whole life was ended because not only did i loose my partner with my unborn child I also lost her 3yr old who i miss so much. I tried to plead and bargain with her to come back and even just start from scratch dating again.

I thought i really need to prove to her these stress induced or underlying flaws in my character are gone forever so i booked in with a psychotherapist who dug until he seemed to find the problem in my childhood and we seem to have over a few weeks fixed it. She commented on a bunch of flowers on facebook, so i had them delivered to her. She had cravings for the smell of lavender so i went round with lavender candles.

I just dont know what else I can do.... she says she wants space and is being very "me myself and I" about everything to do with the baby and her daughter. I thought at first maybe it was anti-natal depression as she had postnatal with her first child, not wanting anyone to touch the baby etc.

I just dont know what to do. I understand her wanting space but my little baby girl is due in 7 weeks and i feel like a lost soul without my family.

Any suggestions or anything from people who have been through similar would be massively appreciated.

Well, it's good that you have admitted to your role in the break up, although you're still blaming her and possible depression.

Just because she is pregnant you don't have to stay together. It was all too much and too soon, and I feel sorry for the little one in this.

You need to give her the space she's asking for and show her that you have changed. It may be that you are not right together and you may need to accept it.

And are you sure she had pnd?
Not letting anyone around the baby sounds more like exaggerated motherly instincts, the opposite of what is normally seen in pnd, but I don't know enough about it.

She let go of you to protect her dd and herself and she was right to. You really should have listened to her much earlier, not when you actually lost her.
Whether it's too late or not, you'll just have to wait and see, don't pressure her.

Maybe just give her the space she needs, no pressure.
Was she a single parent to her dd before you and she got together? It's good that you are addressing any issues you have by seeing the psychotherapist.

It sounds like you will be better off apart. If you become controlling during the stress of pregnancy I can't see you'll cope all that much better with a baby and sleepless nights.

You also still seem a bit angry with her- insinuating she's being selfish. I can't see that. She will be absorbed in her pregnancy, a lot of things are changing. She has the birth to worry about, etc.

Support her and listen to her. If she says she's not interested, she's not interested. If she says she needs space, she needs space. Respect her wishes. Continue to contribute financially and be there for her and the children after the birth.

Maybe things would have worked out if the pregnancy had come much later but itself difficult when someone falls pregnant when neither party really know each other fully. Also difficult for children to meet partners so soon, etc.

Good luck. Let her take the lead.

Leave her alone.

Pregnant within 3 months? That's a lot to deal with and I think you are still behaving in the same way as you were before. The flowers and candles thing is really invasive, as is the questioning her mental health.

You treated her daughter badly and she wants to break up.

There is nothing wrong with this, she's being a good mother and she doesn't owe you a family.

Focus on being a great dad to the baby right from the start.

Leave her alone. The only way to make things better is to leave her in peace for the moment: she may, in time, be prepared to see you again, and for you to have involvement in the child's life when it's born (and yes, ultimately, you could take legal steps to see the child if she refuses to have anything to do with you, but that's not a route you want to go down and do NOT threaten her with it now.)
The last thing a pregnant woman needs is harassment from a whiny, entitled, self-obsessed, controlling man. What you need to do right now is put yourself and your wishes last. You're the least important person here.
Send her one card/email stating that you will respect her wish for space, that you wish her well, that you hope to see the baby once s/he is born but that you will wait to hear from the mother. Then back off completely.
That is the only decent way to behave, and it';s what you should do for the sake of the baby and the mother, as well as for yourself.

I think that after 3 months you barely know each other, and within ten months you became a step dad, moved in together, combined finances etc. it's possible that if you didn't do all that, your relationship could have fizzled because you weren't all that suited.

For now, I'd stop pursuing a relationship and just concentrate on getting ready to be a father. Support her in any way you can, ask often what you can do to help, provide whatever you can for the baby.

That might lead you back together, it might not. But you can be relatively sure your baby won't be bought into a home with conflict and stress which is fantastic.

Did you really manage to find a psychotherapist! have enough sessions to discover really deep seated childhood issues and fix them within the last few weeks? Sounds rather unlikely!

I agree with SGB and others - leave her alone. She's moved out and doesn't want to be with you. Stop stalking her Facebook. Concentrate on being a good Dad when the baby arrives, which includes respecting the choices your ex is making.

Thankyou all for your input, I have not been pressuring her and thought the gifts would be a nice gesture, it seems i have to take a step even further back although there has been a nice breakthrough where she has txt me saying she wants me there for the birth and that she is still going to give our little girl my surname so i guess plenty of space and see what happens, Im sorry if it came across asthough i was trying to blame her for any of this as thats not my thoughts even if it read like this, im just in a panic and finding it hard to cope so i cant even imagine what my poor gf and the little girl is going through. Again thanks for all your comments it has made me realise i need to give her even more space.

I understand your urgency with wanting to reconcile this with your daughter being born in 7 weeks. I also understand about you wanting to organise the finances. People prepare for a birth in different ways and this was a practical thing you could do, albeit a little controlling in hindsight.

I agree to give her space and not put pressure on her but you do have as much right to play a part in your little one's life and this will come.

You have realised the part you have played in the break up and it seems to me that you are doing all you can to rectify this but do it for yourself, not to prove something to her. FWIW, I don't read your post as blaming her potential MH on things, it reads that you are just putting your conflicting thoughts down to try and understand.

I hope it works out for you all.

All you need to do is be a great father to your daughter and support her in being a great mother.

Co-parent as a team. If your ex has decided that there is no future for you two as a couple then you should respect her decision and move on.

Your "relationship" now is as parents rather than partners. What will happen in the months and years to come is anyones guess. But from now on, the main priority is putting your child first.